Hello,

Today I was feeling depressed and that caused some axiety about going to work. I laid on the couch waiting for the time to leave. I had not done my hair or eaten. My husband did his best to coax me off the couch but I felt like moving was impossible. I kept telling myself to get up and I wouldnt... couldn't. When my husband asked what was wrong, what brought this on, or what he could do I had no anwser for him. After seveal minutes I manage to force mylsef up and walk to get my purse. On the way back my legs freeze. I can feel my breath shortening. My mind is racing. Legs shaking. Then I collapse to the floor, crying, and hyperventalating. I want so badly to just go to work but my body wont move and my tears wont stop. My husband stands close helpless. Fustrated that he doent know what he can do. He gets me a glass of water and asks if he can do anything. I ask for my sister. 

My sister lives across the street and also has anxiety/panic disorder. My husband goes and gets her at my request. She comes over and knows exactly what to do. I've managed to sit up and lean on the wall. She sits next to me on the floor and tells me everythig is ok. Strokes my arm gently and asks if its ok that she touches me. I shake my head yes. Asks she can hug me and I shake my head no. Then she tells me I need to take a day for myself. Tells me I have been trying so hard and I need a break. This causes me to burst into tears again. Hearing those words causes some weight to come off my chest. Just to hear that it is ok...She gets me up slowly and helps me out of my shoes and into bed. My husband ques into her nutring ways and tucks me in. Tells me its ok and pats my sholder. I take a xanex and go to sleep. I wake up four hours later to a text from my employer. My husband had called him for me. He hoped that I was alright and to call him when I felt up to it. He was compltly understandable and supportaive. I could tell also worried. I am very lucky to work for a company that understands mental health... 

I am a recent grad and working in my field. I LOVE IT. Yet, some days it is so hard to go. I am guessing its because I will be afraid of having a panic attack at work and being stuck in a public place. I have spoken with my bosses and they have accomadated me and let me know nothing bad will happen. I moved my desk to a corner so I can have some priviacy and I am allowed to step out of the office at any time. I am learning its a safe place.

However some days that isnt enough. Some days all I can think about is being at home between my covers. Its is where I feel safest. I just want to be alone in a quiet, dimly lit room. My cat on my stomach and my dog on the floor next to the bed. Even tough I am laying their with guilt and anxiety about not working I feel safe. Often drifting in and out of sleep. When I am at work I worry about how I am effecting others, what they think of me, and my preformace. It isn't logical because they have told me time and time again that they understand and want to help.

Another layer to this is my husband and I faced homelessness and ended up living sepratly with family and friends the last few months before I graduated. The reason being I could not manage work and school. I now want to do all I can to contribute finically and keep our lives stable. He has done so much and sacrificed so much for me to be able to graduate. The thought of not being able to work terrifies me on multiple levels. Even though he has a new job as well and we would be able to pay our bills if I lost my job. I dont want that to be the case. I want to return his investment and use that degree we both worked so hard for. 

I have ADHD, Dylexia, Major Clinical Depression, Anxiety, and Panic disorder. I am in the process of finding a therapist. I am on Trintellix which helps me with my day to day needs. Trying to be more active and eat better too. I meditate from time to time... What else can I be doing? I dont want to loose my job that I love so much.