methinks i'm actually okay. the calm which so often triggers my hypervigilance/self-sabotage has responded well to therapy tools and our little ship of fools continues to hold steady through the stormy sees. the pieces of the toxic mom throne we brought back from the urban property are settling into the farm house with surprising ease. dare i give in to the optimism which has been trying to break through the hypervigilance? (checking over my shoulder for fast moving trains) in moderate, balanced doses?

today's read from "hope for today" is feeling like a healthy meditation for that question. thought i'd share.

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when my children were little, they didn't like cooked carrots. however, they loved to eat carrots raw, so i always kept some around for snacks. i don't care for those big, thick, pale carrots that seem to taste like wood. i prefer the slender, sweet, bright ones. so when i shopped for carrots for the kids, i carefully chose the skinniest, brightest ones i could find.

i didn't realize it at the time, but as i searched through those piles of carrots, my young son had been sitting in the kiddy seat ot the shopping  cart, coming to his own conclusions. recently, as a teenager, he expressed resentment that i always  bought him scrawny carrots. scrawny carrots? i had so lovingly selected them for him! i had been doing what i thought was best and he was resenting it because he wanted, or thought he wanted, something different.

once at a support group meeting, i heard sharings on the topic of spiritual gifts that come disguised as something one doesn't particularly like. this idea was in the back of my mind as i listened to my son. suddenly i found new insight and understanding. was i resenting god's "scrawny carrots?" were the challenges and losses in my life actually gifts god had chosen carefully for me so that i might grow spiritually? i knew it to be so and i felt simultaneously humbled and overwhelmed with gratitude for the nature of my higher power's love for me.

thought for the day

mine is a disease of distorted perceptiion. higher power please help me to appreciate the "scrawny carrots" of my life as the gift they really are.

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on my personal recovery road, i have so often had that experience of blessings which come in packages i don't much like that i've given up on holding my preferences sacred. these days, i works with what's available.