From my own experience, I believe this situation is more about you than your aunt. I eventually realized that I needed to avoid getting caught up in the chaos and arguments that would arise. It's often just best to agree and go with it. By controlling my reactions, I was able to reduce my emotional stress. Maybe it's different with your aunt, my loved one seldom remembered much from the last visit. Don't be so hard on yourself.

Thanks bytes! You are right! It is about me and all the times that I have been put out because of her. I even had a slight nervous breakdown because of her. She has no clue what a pain in the ass she has been. She is the person you avoid at the store so you don't have to hear all her problems. It's 95% about her and she'll throw in a "how you doing". When I used to pick her up to go grocery shopping and to pay bills every Saturday, she would start complaining before she even got in the car. Ugh! I had to listen to her sob stories of people stealing from her. I would come home and flop on my couch, drained. So not signing the form because of her paranoia was just the icing on the cake. I do so much for her, way more than her children do. And her daughter was giving me a hard time about mailing the form back that she signed as POA. We tried scanning and emailing but the nursing home wanted an original. Thanks again for your concern!

So sorry GreenEyes. You have been through alot with your aunt. More than some do for their parents.
She does sound like a difficult person to deal with. My mother would get that way when we had her in a nursing home (as she would go in and out). We never could do enough and the complaining never stopped. It takes its toll after awhile this I know. Please don’t make yourself sick over it anymore. She’s not going to change. You are doing the best you can. If it makes the day better do whatever you think will get you there. If you must visit do a very short one.
Take care of yourself. You really care about others. I can tell by the way you write and respond to all my issues.
I wish you strength to get through.

lost feelings or found feelings?

my husband and one of my 10 siblings are the only two long term relationships in my life and i find it hard to like everything about either one of them. i go through phases of being so distracted by their unlovable parts that i almost can't see the things i love about them. during these phases, i feel like i am doing them a service by increasing my social distance until the phase passes. it always has, so far, and i get back to appreciating their lovable parts.

whichever end of the pendulum swing i am on, the feelings on the other extreme aren't lost.

or? ? ? am i lost in metaphor again?

for the missed visits during my negative swings, absence really does make the heart grow fonder. i seem to like them even better after the break.

Take a deep breath and step back = repeat "I must take care of me first, in order to be calm, peaceful, positive, and professional as a care giver".

When an elderly person begins the last chapter(s) of their life, often reflection is made of early events as if they were current. Rather than feed that conversation topic, agreeing often leads to them returning to current moment naturally on their own.

It's often shared by everyone about the challenges of the reality syndrome that creates a situation of which adds stress and distrust among everyone involved.

Every situation has several options, none of which will resolve everything fairly, equally, and with balance for everyone.

Take the 'me' time as needed to refresh your normal energy and balance naturally. It will save you a lot of stress and heartache during this challenging time that seems unending with everything crashing towards the same goal.

Marian, thanks for all that you said. She's very difficult. If she wants her tray out of her way, she will obsess and push at it until someone moves it. She totally obsesses and talks to the aides and nurses by yelling softly for whatever she wants. I could never work there! People yelling the same things over and over. Back to my Aunt, I didn't go see her today because when I took my shower, I realized that I didn't feel good. She called asking about the kids. She thought her great grandsons were there. Then she said they are going to kill her between 8 and 9. I just said okay. It's a constant. I do care about people. One of my oldest friends said I need a break from my Aunt. I certainly do! I'm sorry about your Mom. That sounds like a stressful time for you.

Alfie, I have gotten over being pissed at her in the past. As I've stated, she gave me a nervous breakdown at one point. I was so happy to have a day to myself back then and didn't she call and say she dropped her blood pressure cuff and it broke and she needed a new one. I was beside myself. I didn't feel like I could deal with going in a store. That day, I didn't care if she died. I just could not do one more thing for that demanding woman. I know how terrible that sounds but I was pushed to my limits. This is the longest I have been mad at her. I hope I get over it like you do. Thanks arfie!

GreenEyes. My mom used to do the exact thing. She would say her grandchildren were there (they were NOT). She said one was in the corner, one was in the hallway. And then, when she would come back around , she never remembered that and couldn’t believe what we would tell her. But she did have bad kidneys. We were told “poison” wasn’t being filtered out and it was affecting her brain. Then when they stabilized her , it stopped.
So I understand when your aunt is telling you these things.

Greeneyes, are you sure this behavior is not some form of dementia on top of the typical personality issues she has always had? So it is doubled down to really nutty or angry? Some of what. you describe is not something 90% of people would do. But perhaps it is something 90% of dementia patients towards the later stages would do.

Dementia later stages can cause hallucinations, so can UTIs or some medications given to quiet nursing home patients down.

Her son is wise because he knows not to create conflict with a person who is not in their right mind. You are creating conflict with someone who can't change, isn't in the right mind, etc. It upsets your body and mind and soul to be in conflict with her. Even if she is so difficult. This is YOUR work to do. You having to set positive internal boundaries to manage this stress. She likely can't change but you likely can change to make your own life happier and less conflict filled.

I think you are trying to make her be a different person and to be able to love you in the way you wish she could or you need her to be. She isn't able or capable of doing that - and she might not ever have been.

You can obsess and make yourself sick over trying to change her.

We have to let it go or let it be. Focus on your own self. Understand this aunt is limited and incapable of being the person you want her to be.

Take a break from visiting and get your wise thinking brain back. Rest your mind and heart.

If you had a nervous breakdown in the past, and you said she "gave" you one, well I am saying it is imperative that you change how you are to be more self protective and to be wiser. You matter and this is about saving your sanity and health.

She is simply not going to change -- so how do you want to handle things going forward accepting that fact?

Your helping her isn't helping if you create conflict or react to her conflict. Your helping her isn't helping you, either.

Mid, Marian and hasty: Thank you for writing. You all make perfect sense. Hasty, I have decided to take care of myself. The nurse manager told me the same thing that you told me about the fact that my Aunt will never be the Aunt I knew. I think I get so mad because she's so adamant. She told me yesterday that her daughter is dead and she saw them remove her heart. I didn't react. Her daughter is a psychologist. I thought she should be able to handle her mother better but in the end, she is a human first. In the late 80s, another Aunt was suffering from breast and brain cancer. We visited her in the hospital. She told me that my brother drove a pink Cadillac and that my uncle takes showers with his clothes on. I talked to the therapist who had an office in the house where I worked as a legal secretary and he said that her brain was misfiring. At least her thoughts were violent. I will make an effort to be less reactive when she says these things.

I don’t know if your aunt has a form of dementia but I can say that being a care giver or helper to others who are dealing with cognitive issues or diseases affecting the brain requires a lot of self care as well. My mom had Alzheimer’s disease and fortunately my mom was generally good natured during her illness but early on in the disease, one moment she would be completely “normal” and not 30 seconds later, be completely delusional. It was like whip lash. And we didn’t know a lot about the disease initially so we’d get so frustrated with her. We finally realized arguing with her or pointing out she was wrong or continuously questioning her wild proclamations was just making her more frustrated and I think more scared. I remember telling one of my brothers, who cares if she didn’t actually attend Princess Diana’s funeral or that she wasn’t just in Las Vegas with her work friends. Just go with it. So we did and it really helped us get closer to our mom in a lot of ways during her illness and also helped us accept her new normal in the moment and all the new normals that were to come as the disease progressed.

I remember her telling me one time she just got back from a concert where a bunch of people were killed and she had to run to find cover. She legitimately seemed shaken up and she was so earnest telling me what happened. I said mom that must have been really scary and I’m so glad you are ok. I felt so bad for her that she thought she had experienced such a frightening thing. It was absolutely real to her. She said that it was scary but she was better now. And she dropped it, just like that. Just going with it was the only comfort I could give her.

All of this is to say, it really is so very hard coming to terms with someone losing their faculties. You sort of mourn the loss of the person they once were while they are still living on top of feeling frustrated and depleted. It’s ok to take breaks and refresh. Respite care is a real thing.

And sometimes the only other strategy is to just accept this is who this person is right now. Imperfect, delusional, and unwell. Because honestly they really cannot help it. If they could they would.

Anyway, you will find the right balance.

Thanks rmb! I am trying to put myself first. I used to be prone to a lot of guilt but now I'm not. My Aunt has been diagnosed with severe anxiety. I know that you're right and I'm sorry about your Mom. I am trying to be kinder. I have to go see her soon as she is out of soda and snacks.

Yeah please put yourself first. Honestly there is so much guilt with that sometimes but ultimately putting yourself first makes healthy space for everyone else. It’s playing long game too.

Thanks for the kind words about my mom. She passed away in 2019. We did the best we could given the crappy situation. That’s all anyone can do -their best. Give yourself some grace. Give your aunt some grace too. The rest will follow.

Big hug!

Thanks rmb! I used to be Everything to Everybody! I would feel so much guilt. It didn't help that I have OCD. I used to put everyone first, especially my Aunt. I would try to say no to her and then she would make me feel guilty and I would end up doing whatever she needed. Today she asked if I could bring her some food and sodas. She said she had $2.50 in her purse and spent it on a soda. I felt a little bad about that because I have a ton of soda here for her. I just never went on Sunday, which is my usual day. She wanted me to come before 3 because she said her son, who lives in California, was coming to get her at 3 to take her to the big hospital. Anyway, she said that her other son was beaten real bad or something by the nursing home and she was surprised when he later showed up with his wife. I have told her that she has a problem with her thinking but she believes what she thinks wholeheartedly. Whether I go to see her tomorrow depends on if my cat comes home. He went missing yesterday morning because roofers were here. I heard him around 4 a.m. but he was fighting with something. They ran off and then fought near my shed. I put some treats and a hoodie of mine out there to draw him in. I don't have any music on and I told a friend that I can't talk on the phone because I want to listen for him. But if he comes home and is fine, I will visit my Aunt tomorrow and bring her what she needs.

Hope your cat comes home soon.

Thanks rmb! While the roofers have been here for my new roof and to fix my cracked ceiling, he got out 3 times. He discovered a new way to get out through the crawlspace which I have totally blocked off now. He has been very subdued. The painters finished yesterday. He has spent most of his time relaxing on my antique piano. Now he is on the floor near me as he so often is when I'm at my desk. Today I am going to my Aunt's surprise 80th birthday party, being held at the nursing home and arranged by her daughter. This morning she told me that her daughter was locked in a shed at the nursing home. I told her that she was in Philadelphia but she jut likes to believe the worst. She'll be surprised when she sees her daughter. I have never told her daughter a single story that she has said about her. She has killed her off 14 times. She said she was running a married man and got beat up and deserved it. She has also said many stories about her daughter's husband. She's a mess. Not really looking forward to seeing her today.