Anxiety Support Group
Anxiety is a physical condition marked by intense and persistent feelings of distress, fear, angst or dread. General anxiety caused by routine day-to-day stresses usually passes quickly and is experienced by almost everyone at one time or another. However, such feelings that linger over time and are very difficult to cope with, and which lack a clear cause, may indicate...
My life is not normal and has not been for quite some time. I think it's going to come out in therapy that I have more issues than I thought. I've been self-reflecting and watching meaningful videos on YouTube. I am lonely. I thought I loved being alone, living alone, doing my own thing. I thought I was lucky. Married people tend to tell me not to get married. It's too much work, they say. They envy my freedom. But, for 31 years? June 5th will be the anniversary of a breakup 31 years ago. I had one short relationship that I don't count. There was no relationship. He was on drugs and I didn't know it. I spent a lot of time with his children and even took them on for 5 weeks when things got really bad for him. So I feel like I've been alone for almost 31 years. My last boyfriend was hot when I met him in 1992. Very sexy! I was at my thinnest. I had been alone for 1.5 years. He was on unemployment. He had been a car salesman. We dated for almost 3 years and he never worked a day during that time. To be honest, I was glad that he didn't work. I was very insecure. I was afraid that he would meet someone else on the job. Pitiful, really. I totally settled. My thinking was that if this was all God had for me, I was taking it. When I was breaking up with him, he asked if we could give it 6 more months and then talk marriage. Um, no! When I tried dating again 3 years ago, one guy asked me on the phone when my last relationship was. I wasn't ready for that question. He asked me if I was mental or something like that. In reality, I guess I am. I am rethinking what happened to me when I was 19 with my first dating experience. I have always said that OCD ruined it but I think I actually have a fear of abandonment. That's something i want to talk about in therapy. I recorded myself talking while I took a video of a snow storm in February. When I listened to it, I was surprised at how I sounded. I sounded like someone desireable. Why is it that I am so invisible to men? What part do I play? Why is my lifelong theme that whoever likes me, I don't like and whoever I like, doesn't like me? Why did my 3 relationships feel like miracles? I wasn't even attracted to BF #2. I don't feel that any of my boyfriends wasted my time. I was there too. I knew wrong from right. My first boyfriend was true love. He didn't pay attention to me one night. We were both exhausted and he thought that I didn't want to make out. He fell asleep on me. i was scared out of my mind. i came home and as i was putting my coat away, I thought to myself that i didn't like him anyway. i knew that wasn't true. The next day, when i saw him up on a forklift when i walked into work, he looked ugly to me. Every feeling that i had for him left me. I fought that feeling so hard. I couldn't stand anything about him. i had been so in love. I explained this story in a post a while back. It was a life changing event for me. i have never been the same. So I have to think about why i am so deathly scared of being hurt. i have to talk to my therapist about it. A great person on YouTube about childhood trauma is Gabor Mate. I watched a video of him on the Jay Shetty podcast last night. He's amazing. Years ago, my brother had DVDs made up for us of his 1988 wedding. I guess he did it because our parents were in it, along with others who have passed away. The DVD depressed me. i saw myself as a pretty girl with a nice figure and a great personality, who never got scooped up by Mr. Right. it wasn't fair. I think my first boyfriend was Mr. Right actually. We are still friends on Facebook. i always send him a birthday wish. He always writes back. Some guys on POF wrote to me in the last 6 weeks or so and i responded to one and then I looked to see if he responded and he hadn't but other guys had written. Again, the guys who like me, i don't like. I am not attracted to them. There is a certain chemistry that i look for. i have been known to say that i wouldn't mind meeting a guy at the gym. That hasn't happened. There are older guys there too so that's not the problem. I am invisible. No one takes a second look. I do believe that everything in life happens exactly as our souls plan, but it totally sucks. Recently, I thought about two women in my life who are either not attractive, not intelligent, mean hearted, not personable, but have wonderful, loving husbands. Tears just fell down my face. it's just not fair.
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I invited Bill to have dinner with me last Sunday. He wasn't willing to drive 7 hours to mid Michigan and teased me with his beautiful ribs!!! So, of course I ate alone and had cedar salmon
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I didn't think my life was THAT abnormal, how could I need therapy? Then I went.
SOmteimes, it's the subtlest things. I got lucky/blessed but it also depends ---- are the men what YOU are looking for? That might be a question to ask, I realized after posting previously.
And how much of this is you hate single life and how much is "society says to pair off"? Because if I hadn't gotten lucky with my hubby? I"d probably be single. Sometimes, we just have to embrace the best of what we have, even if it's not always what we want? Wow, that sounded like a bad fortune cookie, sorry.
Puma hugs. It's real, it sucks, and we're here.
Their version of 'truth' and 'facts' are not on the same path, and it has created so many folks to step back quietly after being falsely accused of 'truth' and 'facts'.
The type of person you are attracted to comes in many directions. Finding the balance between being in touch and being touched is significant, especially when the word 'abandon' is present in the feelings, emotions, and actions.
You can be lonely in a relationship on a regular basis and not really focus on it simply because it works in that moment.
You're not alone on this path. Here's to finding a relationship that is positive and connected.
https://www.boredpanda.com/single-women-no-longer-interested-dating/
Honestly the most important relationship we ever have is with ourselves. It sounds trite but it’s really true.
Life just happens, through a series of choices and circumstances. I personally don’t believe in fate or destiny, in a soulmate or that there is someone out there for everyone, that there is only one true love. I think that creates so much self imposed pressure. We live our lives and maybe meeting someone happens or maybe it doesn’t. If you meet someone, it might work or it might not. I don’t think it’s any deeper than that.
I don’t have anything all figured out all. Still a work in progress and hope that never stops. But to me, any relationship I’ve had has been pretty much about the right place, right time. Or wrong place wrong time. When I’ve not been in a good place myself, I would tend to be a bit more desperate, so kind of just settle for people who were not that good for me. Or to me. And in those cases I tended to loath myself a bit. And honestly I may not have always been good to them because of my own issues. For me nothing has shone a hotter, brighter light on my own issues more than being in a relationship.
We don’t have perfect knowledge of what other people’s relationships are really like. We don’t really know why people are attracted to some people. But it’s not really ours to know. And it has nothing to do with us.
I’ve had three serious relationships in my life. I’m 61. I had flings or casual relationships as well. . And times I didn’t date at all. Like for a couple of years. I traveled solo, made some good friends, tried doing new things, learned to be ok in uncomfortable feelings. I learned to just be still, to be present, emotionally and mentally. I think in that stillness, I figured out, that I am ok. I’m ok. whatever happens in my life: love, loneliness, heartache, loss, joy, all of it, I’m ok.
I think we chase validation and acceptance through others. It’s human to do that. But to really be ok without the validation and acceptance, that is some kind of power.
There is nothing wrong with desiring companionship. It’s what humans are about. I think though chasing a sense of value and self worth through a relationship doesn’t necessarily bring happiness or contentment.
I have been thinking that maybe I reject people before they can reject me. Do you ever think this way? I feel like maybe I am going from too trusting to not trusting anyone nor being tolerant of their issues.
I also had to learn to be self-valuing and put my own needs first when I needed to. I did this deliberately by saying mantras and then when situations arose, I had to say to myself if I value myself and I mean no, then I have to say no.
I had a few years of meeting lots of people who wanted to use me for various things I was doing in volunteer work. I had to walk away and learn boundaries but I think my boundaries are overly strong now.
I think I need to both value myself and be open to new friendships, people, etc. I attract users who somehow think I am usable (but I am not longer willing to be used or treated as less than).
Where is the middle ground where I recognize the users and stay true to myself. Say no when I mean no but also allow some people into a friendship group with me. Hope this makes sense.
This morning, I am going to look at the messages from the guys on POF. Thanks for trying to cheer me up. It is what it is but I think I am ready to put myself first, clean my house and find that boyfriend. I am so glad that I went back into therapy. I have another appointment tomorrow morning.