Anxiety Support Group
Anxiety is a physical condition marked by intense and persistent feelings of distress, fear, angst or dread. General anxiety caused by routine day-to-day stresses usually passes quickly and is experienced by almost everyone at one time or another. However, such feelings that linger over time and are very difficult to cope with, and which lack a clear cause, may indicate...
This is very hard for me, and I'm new here as well. Today marks the 6th year anniversary of when my life completely changed and has never been the same since. On May 5th, 2015, I was drugged and taken by 3 men. Our neighbor at the time invited my mom and I over to watch the mayweather and pacquiao fight. There had been other people there as well... He was always very weird with me but my mom would just tell me it was all in my head. I was 21 at the time and I know one drink wasn't going to make me black out. I remember him making me a drink and feeling weird. What's sad is that I still can't wrap my head around how this all happened with people around, including my own mother.. I remember telling my mom I was feeling weird, and she told me to stop, that it was all in my head and to just go to the bathroom then.. so I did. when I came out, my neighbor was standing there waiting. He was in his late 50s... He started telling me how I need someone like him in his life, a grown man. He then grabbed me and kissed me. I remember pushing him off of me and I started walking to the porch to get some air because I felt like I was going to pass out. Some other guy asked me if I was okay and I said no, that I needed air. So he took me outside and then when my memory went black. I do remember being in a jeep or something and my neighbor was on top of me, kissing me and under my shirt. I remember someone being in the backseat too..... And then it went black again. My mom said I had been missing for 3 or so hours and she found me laying on our front lawn. Like nothing... she saw me leave with them and everything, why, I still don't even know why.... I was scared to go to the police, so it took me a week or so to finally do so. That was a shit show and he never got in trouble... my life just completely went down hill after that. I drank a lot, I didn't care about myself I allowed people to take advantage of me so much. There wasn't not one day I didn't want to die. I was terrified to go outside, and I had a mother I lived with that made me feel like I was crazy for feeling this way. She even started messing around with him and told me that he said he was sorry....... that he was sorry.. and that was supposed to be enough .. my drinking for so bad that I forced myself into treatment. I haven't drank in over 2 years ( I'm not in recovery though ) but I still have this overwhelming fear of doing anything alone. I moved into my own place a little over a year ago, alone at that... and it's like all I can muster up the courage to do is go to work and come back home. I can't go food shopping alone, I can't go for a walk alone, nothing really. Not even just sit out front. It's like I'm terrified of people looking at me, I feel like they can see right through me. I'm extremely insecure with myself no matter how many compliments I get. I never feel clean enough still. Dating is extremely hard because it seems like I gravitate to the absolute worse men, and then I'm even more traumatized afterwards. I just feel so lonely. I am seeking professional help, I see a counselor and I'm on a waiting list for a licensed therapist as well. I know I'm on the right path, but I just feel so empty. I feel like a huge chunk of me is missing and I don't even know what it is. Everything just feels like I'm constantly fighting through something. Even when I'm out with friends, out eating, or just hanging out, it's like it's this huge thing for me because I'm constantly in my head repeating over and over again that I'm safe and there's nothing to worry about. It's exhausting. I just want to be able to live, not just exist.... I'm 27 and I don't even recognize myself
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Years ago, I won a mirrored armoire from my job. It's in my bedroom but I rarely stand in front of it. Yesterday, I had to have a dexascan done so I had to change into a gown. There was a full length mirror in the changing room. I'm aware that I gained 5 to 7 pounds over the last year from cheating on Keto but I didn't know what it looked like. It was a reality check.
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"don't be a hate hole" has been one of my recent mantras which seems to be escaping my mouth more and more often. it emerges when i am faced with the endless list of chores i would rather not deal with. insurance. head lice. bureaucracy. in-laws. the list goes on and on and on and on, ad infinitum.reality checks requested. am i making sense?"ever'thin they is but loving leaves a rust on your...
You've taken the important first step in writing it out.
There is a PTSD board here on DS that might give you better suggestions to improve your well-being.
Keep writing, in a private journal, to help you sort out all your feelings, thoughts, words, emotions, to help you heal and recover your balance naturally.
You are responsible for what you say, do, react, and respond. You are NOT responsible for what others say, do, react, and respond. When you change the way you do, act, react, and respond, their usual response no longer fits and sometimes, it gets worse before it improves.
What you do now will NOT change what happened, however, it changes how you manage the memory when it pops up. You are much stronger than you realize. You exposed the danger in writing it out, now you have choices, options, decisions, and planning how you respond for your well-being will give you a better balance.