I always had a dream in my life. I have prepared myself for that my whole life. And last year I finally decided to do it. Moving away to another country, since its my dream, and I never fit in here. I am so diferent from everybody here...

In this same time, I went over there and met a man. It was the first time I oppened myself after a terrible break up 5 years ago. This break up, really break me. I was never the same, and the anxiety crisis and depression really got me after that.

And he liked me. So much. He didnt want me to come back to my country, and was making plans and everything. but I did come back. 

during 3 months after I came back, I am sure we had a long distance relationship. I missed him, but I was good. He knew all my problems, maybe not deeply, but he knew. Then I bought a plane ticket for christmas week, to see him, and to make another step to the moving. 

When I got over there, he was so cold, and weird. I asked him, whats going on, the answer was that he was with flu, and didnt want me to have the virus. After some days, he got better (he really had a stuffed nose) and things were getting better. on the last day, the good bye was SO cold. Safe travels. Only this. Then my insecurities started. 

Along with this, one of my relatives who live on the country I want move, who were supposed to receive me, kind of put in the air, he didnt want me there. Thats is dificult, that I should stay where I live, and that what I am doing its insanity. 

I have come back here in early january and since then, everything its falling apart.

My relationship ruinned. I dont know why. I just realize that he is getting more distant everyday. I inquire why. The answer was that he is working so much. but the way he treats me changed. Where is the cute nicknames? The conversations? Everything? All this only were putting fire in my anxiety. 

As for the moving, the dream of my life. I finally break. Nobody wants me there. Why would I do it? And if I dont have my dream anymore, why I am forcing myself in a job that I hate (everybody thinks that my job is perfect cuz since the pandemic I am in home office and have nothing to do, so basically I am paid to stay home and do what I want). And since I have lost it, nothing matters anymore. No even the things I like the most.

As for the job, here the reasons why I hated it. First even I dont do anything, when I have tasks they are very sensity and I`m very poorly paid for that. Since the pandemic there is no hours anymore, so people call my phone any time, sometimes in the middle of the night, just to complain something ridiculous. The emails are even worst. people want to show that they are working, so they keep sending them making questions that the answers should be have you read what I have sent before? And to finish the question there is a boss that finally got away that I know is coming back in 4 months. He mistreated me a lot of times. Said that I was worthless, inutile, and other things. For a person with depression and anxiety thats too much, I still dont know how I survived that. And he is coming back. I dont want to pass throught this again. And yes, I had complained about it to HR, showing them the records and conversations on whatsapp of what he did, and HR never did anything. I am trying to find another job for the past 6 years, with not even a interview. Here, in Brazil, jobs are very difficult to find. Another reason that I want to move.

So finally today I broke. I had my strongest crisis ever. Anxiety and depression allied. It was like a bomb. I even thought about killing myself, what I didnt do it because I dont have the courage. I am losing the dream of my life. What I fought all life. In the way I lost the man I thought would be at my side forever. 

I spent the day in bed, with huge headache, trying to breath and think. And of course, my mom, (she is always complaining that I dont have the reasons to be depressed, and she thinks that I am her luxury maid, since she doesnt know how to do anything, she needs me for everything) was mad and complaining saying that I have to accept my life and be happy with the job I have. She doesnt care that my dream is falling apart. For her is probably better. 

as for my supposed boyfriend, because I dont know if I still have one, after I told him that I was giving up of moving and everything, desapperred. Said that I should move, just find another way. But there is no other way. I am 32 yo. I am too old, and everyday gets more dificult to get away. I dont do a lot of money, and I dont have more time to save it. If I move I need to go to my relatives house, where I wont be welcome. (He still lives with his parents and dont have a house, so moving with him isnt an option) 

I dont know what to do anymore. Should I insist in my dream, that I fought so much and be unwelcome? What if I didnt found a job? If this happen and I come back here, I wont find another job. But at the same time, staying in my actual situation is unberable. In this time, my anxiety are exploding, I cant do anything besides crying. And I am so depressed that I dont see a way out. What should I do?

Sorry for the long post