Fubar I guess. I was pretty much sheltered my entire life with minimal access to the outside world. And then when I was molested I was not even allowed to talk about it to anyone, but a therapist. But my mama was allowed to tell everyone she could and took my pain to use it as hers. Without even thinking about it, that night still sneaks in my head almost two decades later. And its not like I want it to. I forgave and forgot, but my aniexty won't let it go......I wasn't allowed to go outside and told at the age of 3 that if I went outside by myself there would be people waiting to rape and kill me. I didn't go outside by myself til the age of seven and I clung onto the doorknob because I was too afraid that if I let go I was going to be kidnapped. I would have night terrors that my mom would be stabbed or killed somehow that stopped once I hit 5th grade because of that. I would have night terrors that I would be kidnapped on the bus til 3rd grade because of my mother. My brother would always lock me in our dark closet that had no light which caused my fear of the dark and sleeping in the dark. This would happen when my parents weren't there. I was always told the reason why I wasn't allowed to go to friend's houses was because I would be raped and killed. I wasn't allowed to have friends over because my mom didn't like people and didn't trust anyone either. I wasn't allowed to hang out or text guys when I was in highschool. I could only hang out with girls and that was when I was 17. My parents threatened to send me to juvi or a foster care of their choice if I ever tried to text guys or date a guy until I was 18. I have social anxiety, depression, I shake, get weak in the knees if I have to talk to people, I don't ever drink at bars, I don't trust people, I have a hard time being in a large crowd, loud noises scare me, I can't handle the sound of a balloon popping. I am a weak person. I used to bully myself hard core and spit in the mirror and tell myself horrible things. I've gotten better with that. I over analize everything. I over think everything. I was always told because I have adhd I won't be smart enough to do anything. My mom she would give the shirt off her back....However, I don't think they way she rasied all 5 of us wasn't the best. I don't like to stay at friends houses too long because I am afraid of being gone from home too long. My parents brought us up as strict catholics. But they are soooo damn judgemental that if you don't bow down to them, you're not one of them.......The problem is I'm 25 and living with them......I am moving to NJ to be with my bf and I still haven't told them anything. I'm too scared to. But I need to break away from these chains and be my own person and to let go of all of these fears. I need to break away from them.