Anxiety Support Group
Anxiety is a physical condition marked by intense and persistent feelings of distress, fear, angst or dread. General anxiety caused by routine day-to-day stresses usually passes quickly and is experienced by almost everyone at one time or another. However, such feelings that linger over time and are very difficult to cope with, and which lack a clear cause, may indicate...
Moving into our new house with new challenges. As my friends here know, spent a year and a half in about 8 different location as my wife rejected a house, then regretted her rejection, blamed herself for problems, sank into a deep depression, was hospitalized, and treatment was generally ineffective. Before then 65 years of mostly easy sailing (literally), about 15 cruises, her job did well 30 years of great reviews in a tough job), 33 years of happy marriage, raised 3 kids, could be voted least likely to have problems, pretty, pleasant, engaging, confident, and happy. Now anxious, scared, and depressed much of the time.
1. Nervous about house In the house, about 1 in the afternoon, asked to go somewhere (I work at home). Spent about 3 hours, went for lunch looked at some nice areas. Wanted to go out again, and then went for dinner and then to a bar near the beach, and arrived home at about 9, but she did not want to go home. Around 10:30 and then 11, said I want to go back out, and tried to grab the keys. When going home, said, I don't want to go back there. Seems to have a PTSD kind of condition with stress on moving in or out.
2. I want ice cream Waiting for the cable man at home and trying to catch up at work. Scheduled from 11-2. At 12, said I want ice cream, explained that we need to wait and I also had work. Kept repeating I want ice cream, let's go. I attempted to explain I had calls and emails to check and the only response is, I want ice cream.
3. Sister Her sister and daughter came down and did a lot of work and were very helpful. That said, sis does not believe in there is a psychiatric illness, there's apparently some type of stigma in the family, talks derisively about medication (they change your brain you understand that, these drugs are very dangerous), and suggested we look into physical causes. But we've done this. seen at least 5 doctors for physical issues, had a brain MRI read by 2 doctors as normal. I want her sister to be part of recovery, her sister loves her and they talk but she is also opinionated. My wife either from family or independently has adopted many of those views and we see the psychiatrist and he is perplexed about what to do because my wife is not following the medication treatment plan, electing to take less than recommended and still having severe anxiety and depression.
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Years ago, I won a mirrored armoire from my job. It's in my bedroom but I rarely stand in front of it. Yesterday, I had to have a dexascan done so I had to change into a gown. There was a full length mirror in the changing room. I'm aware that I gained 5 to 7 pounds over the last year from cheating on Keto but I didn't know what it looked like. It was a reality check.
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"don't be a hate hole" has been one of my recent mantras which seems to be escaping my mouth more and more often. it emerges when i am faced with the endless list of chores i would rather not deal with. insurance. head lice. bureaucracy. in-laws. the list goes on and on and on and on, ad infinitum.reality checks requested. am i making sense?"ever'thin they is but loving leaves a rust on your...
Set up basic set of rules - work from home does NOT allow for interruptions for food, drink, or activity.
She is responsible for her behavior.
In other words, since they want to go the physical illness route, force it to be physical - and if she refuses to do something by the rules, step away, and point to the work sheet.
Here's how this method will change (it could get worse before it improves) the way she uses her 'illness' to be mean and in control.
Yes, she's being mean. You've taken on the role of care giver and she's taken on the role of controlling what happens.
Take the control back (yes, it's hard, and it seems mean, however, it's the only way to force her into accepting that it's her brain, her actions, and her behavior creating the mess, it's not the result of what happened.)
I work from home. There is no way in HELL I’d indulge this. Sorry I know it is not easy but I think you have to be direct with her about your time, the hours you need to be engaged with work during the work day. Don’t give in. Let her sulk and be upset.
Frankly boundaries are needed with her sister too in my opinion. I get you want her to be part of the recovery because of your wife’s closeness to her but since her sister doesn’t believe your wife has psychiatric issues to recover from, how can she be included in her recovery? I’m not saying don’t let them see or talk to each other. I just would cut her out if appointments, discussions etc. I know you need support. I really do. The sister is not helping either of you though. Maybe the psych had some recommendations on how to handle this.
I don’t know if you are seeing a counselor for yourself yet but I really think it would be good. This is not easy stuff and you deserve help navigating this and some peace.
1. Wife's birthday She has a group of friends and wanted to get together for her birthday. She went and had a very nice time, but let me relate before..
Function scheduled for 5:30, around 1:30, I start suggesting she get ready, procrastinates then says she doesn't want to go. I push, please get dressed, please get dressed, promises to get ready and then stays in bed, It's quite frustrating since I know she'l have a nice time and be happy she went but in the interim, its 2 hours of hell trying to get her ready. Then in the car she changes her mind, and tries to get me to stop for water when she really wants to procrastinate and turn around.
2. She's two people and does it make sense to refer to that- anxious Jenny wants you to be unhappy, and doesn't want you to enjoy the new house,
3. Doesn't want to take part of her medication, but is having hallucinations and paranoid thoughts.
4. Cuddling She will come to me and ask to be held and say she loves me, but it feels manipulative, and I'd rather if she really cared, she give me less stress. Is it appropriate to say that.
So, back to #4. You can certainly ask for less stress, just give her some examples that would give you less stress. (I mean, I know you don't mean that you come out and say "Could you give me less stress??").
An example could be "We're having Sam and Judy over for dinner tonight. How are you feeling today, do you still want to see them tonight? It would be great if you could let me know now how you're feeling about seeing them."
I'm just making up an example. Something where you're asking how she feels about doing something, so you at least have a head's up as to what her mood could be later.
Hope you are taking care of yourself, doing your self care. Is there anyone else around (family member, friend) that could talk to her, someone that she will listen to? To give you a break.
Take good care!
We are in our new house! (about a week). Everyone seems to love it, my wife was impressed while it was empty.
Regarding your example, its funny, we had a close friendship with another couple, and then all of a sudden they would start cancelling things, sometimes last minute. One time my wife had spent close to a $100 buying and making appetizers, setting things up, and an hour before, they gave a lame excuse about something coming up. I now realize that this was similar, last minute social anxiety, something my wife never had before.
But note, its very difficult to work with uncertain plans, in your example, Judy hired a baby sitter for $15 per hour, she convinced Sam to postpone golf, so they're not going to be happy with a last minute cancellation. So a how are you feeling tonight doesn't really work. Right now, I tell everyone plans are tentative, and I hope she will come or attend, recall she decided not to come to our best friend's son's wedding, a close cousin's dad's funeral, and other events.
It's hard to give mental health professionals an accurate picture because my wife is so socially adept (her father was a diplomate). She walks into the psychiatrist's office, smiles and looks at him, nice to see you, how is your summer going, wonderful that's a great place to go, and how often do you get to go. In an area where many have social anxiety and difficulty interacting her superior skills, make it hard to figure out what's going on.
This is a very different situation but when my mom first had Alzheimer’s in the early stages she always was super high functioning when seeing the doctor, did well when examined, etc. I think she really made an effort because she wanted to appear she wasn’t declining. When we got her home from the appointment she’d be completely spent, and almost cognitively worse for a couple of days because of how much effort it took her to pull it together for the doctors visit.
This is all true and insightful But what to do about it, not see people.
The only negative thing people notice is that she tries to shift attention away from herself and does not like any deep talks about her situation. .
Maybe her trying to shift attention from herself or have deep discussions about herself is because she feels embarrassed, feels pressure, feels it’s no one’s business, feels uncomfortable, etc.
I don't see her being able to accept or follow boundaries. For example, while away, i said I'd get breakfast, ordered, and took a seemingly nice walk for about 10-15 minutes and came back to the restaurant. Sir, your wife called twice said its urgent, I called and then found out she was walking a mile in 90 degree weather because she was worried the food had not come. Waiting to take a 10 minute jog, I heard noises and found she slammed a take out order because she didn't like the food and was sad because she had cooked better.
She had always been a social person, again nice skills nice person, so my thinking was trying to get back. She smiles and seems to enjoy herself with people but getting her there is hard. And you're right there does seem to be some effort,
Generally you try to let people determine their lives, when our son, captain of a team decided not to play college sports, we said fine. But when my brother-in-law, out of work, decided to associate on some strange venture with an 82 year old man that seemed clear to fail. There after giving my views, I just avoid discussion, but my wife is with me, 24/7.
Solutions are hard, but one thing is clear, you provided some good insight into what she is thinking and I appreciate your trying to help.
Simple example but let’s say If she wants ice cream but you have a meeting then tell her no and hold firm. If she chooses to get upset about it, she can.
I’m not saying it’s easy. I just am thinking there has to be balance between letting her have some autonomy but not giving in to her every whim and mood swing. It’s ok to say if you don’t want to go, cool, but I am and if you want to join me this is when I’m leaving. Period.
I know there was an issue with this before. Has there been any progress in the medication department?
Let's face it, moods can be tricky in a lot of people anyway, let alone someone who is showing signs of depression, anxiety, possible other mental health issues such as bipolar or a personality disorder (again, I have no idea what they diagnosed for her). In which case, medication would most likely be the first part of treatment. This will stabilize her mood. Then second, regular therapy.
Her moods seem to strongly fluctuate, and I don't know if she was always sort of moody and impulsive, but from what you describe, it seems a lot of these moods are new. And I know she's been through a million tests and evaluations already, but.... what were the professional's suggestion for action?
Also Bobby, thank you for your posts. It is interesting to hear the perspective of a person living with a person with anxiety. I hope we can give you some insight... although no two people with anxiety are the same, so unfortunately there just isn't one pat answer to this. If we had the one cure... I would be first in line!! :-) I am sure this is frustrating for you. But, there is help out there. I hope she can get the help she needs.
It is really hard to live with someone who has mental illness but isn’t willing to fully commit to treatment. I think it’s something they have to choose to do.