Anxiety Support Group
Anxiety is a physical condition marked by intense and persistent feelings of distress, fear, angst or dread. General anxiety caused by routine day-to-day stresses usually passes quickly and is experienced by almost everyone at one time or another. However, such feelings that linger over time and are very difficult to cope with, and which lack a clear cause, may indicate...
i am writing this out because I guess, I am trying to figure out what is going on in my mind.
Had a huge argument with my boyfriend. Seems like my suspicions about his sister were right, she doesnt like me. And I had to force the truth out of him, and it hurt like hell. Although he was resistant to it, saying things like "i know your going through a lot lately that why I was protecting you from it".. from the truth. But I could feel the off vibe.
It started off with planning a dinner for this saturday, it is far away from where I live and i asked him if he could bring home after. And his first reply was "its too far..." of course I felt disappointed. And after awhile I decided to confront him about it... and I was annoyed he kept bringing up his sister (at this point I didnt know the truth that she didnt like me). And I was thinking its the way he has been treating me lately... and after awhile he came out with it. Essentially he didnt want to bring me home BECAUSE his sister was there and she didnt like it. And he said she as mad I didnt invite her to my place, which is bullshit because no one comes to my house not even my friends. I think she was trying to make excuses to not like me... what a b*tch. And I am angry. especially as I tried so hard to accomadate her, be nice, all that. Anyways, Im not going to the dinner anymore because my anxiety is already high... and I feel weak. Dont think I am strong enough to put on a smile for even just an evening...
And whats worst? over the past year Ive struggle with the same acceptance with my own parents, who can be cold hearted racists. They hate my boyfriend because he is Indian. My dad screaming at me "I hate Indian people.." was so truamatic but on another view its like are u freakin kidding me, isnt this the 21st century?!
When they make racist comments my blood boils, but I cant say anything, I try to avoid interacting emotionally with them now, because my anxiety got so high to the point I was having suicidal thoughts. My home life was a nightmare... especially my dad being a angry, drunken fool,, who get violent and verbally abusive. ran away some nights to escape.
Now, I asked the boyfriend for space, because I feel confused. I just dont know if I have strength to be with him right now. He tells me, I am his strength but I feel weak and I dont know how I can be his strength. Particularily, right now I have medical concerns, I am awaiting surgery and just that is overwheliming... I am just feeling so anti-social. I want to isolate myself... expect the worst, and see myself disappear into nothingness... feeling super sad, cried a lot tonight.
Guess I just wanted to express it, everything in my mind is still processing. I just feel so hurt and empty. I dont know how to be strong, ask for help. its a lot of pressure, even to get up in the morning, with anxiety always beside me and with the chronic pain I experience. Lifes hit me hard and Im falling into an abyss in which I dont know how to escape... because at the moment, I am weak, all I see is surgery and a lonely journey ahead. My worst fear, facing this surgery alone... and I do feel alone.
-
I haven't written in my diary on my computer since May because I thought that my computer was dying. I got away from writing but my computer is hanging in there. I think that I will start writing in it again. It's so therapeutic.
-
Years ago, I won a mirrored armoire from my job. It's in my bedroom but I rarely stand in front of it. Yesterday, I had to have a dexascan done so I had to change into a gown. There was a full length mirror in the changing room. I'm aware that I gained 5 to 7 pounds over the last year from cheating on Keto but I didn't know what it looked like. It was a reality check.
Hope getting it into words helped. I know it usually helps me. Until I find words for ^it^, ^it^ tends to roll through my life like a cloud of acid rain. Getting ^it^ into words is my first step in making sense of ^it^.
Gentle support while you sort and process. It's allot to sort. Be patient. Vent freely. Vent often. Your answers are in there.
Through God's assistance I learned that I do not have to care if his family likes me or not. I've explained to my husband that I am disengaging from his family for awhile due to the drama. I also emphasized that in no way do I expect him to follow me and do the same. I stressed they are your family and you love them and I want you to spend time with them and enjoy their company. ( i really do mean that too) This is difficult for him but slowly he is adjusting. Maybe if you try the same with your boyfriend it may help you.
As far as your parents, you cannot control what they think about "Indian people" or any other people any more than they can control how you feel about your boyfriend. You can control "how you respond to them". Calling them racist or getting in their face will do nothing to change their minds and only serves to upset yourself. (which sounds like what they want anyway) Continue to gently set limits. Tell them you know they don't like your boyfriend but you love him and you don't want to hear the negative talk. If it starts....tell them nicely I don't wish to hear this, I love you but it is time for me to go, hangup the phone or whatever. Eventually they will get the message or you will know they never intend to get the message. If it comes to them never getting the message...you can also disengage from them for a time that seems suitable to you. You are in control of who is allowed in your life.
As far as being alone for your surgery, if it comes to that. It is okay. Many people go through surgery alone, it isn't easy but it can be done. You sound like you are strong enough to handle it if it comes to that, but it may not. Keep in mind just like the surgery is necessary for your body to heal properly setting emotional limits is also very important to healing emotionally. The fact that you are reaching out for help shows you are a fighter. You have more strength than you give yourself credit.
Finally - I agree with others who say...give yourself time. You don't have to have your entire life planed out today. Maybe just work through getting through today without drama and stress then worry about tomorrow when it rolls around. Day by day you will gain more control of your life and happiness You can do this!
I hope this isn't too long winded. Take care and stay strong!
This is one of those times where you have to keep reminding yourself that you are NOT responsible for what others say, do, or how they respond.
You are only responsible for what you say, do, and how you respond. When you put the option that best fits your well-being first, and you give the response that fits, it will force others' response to change as their usual response will no longer work. It does NOT always improve positive, and you keep putting your well-being first in positive, it does improve.
Due to my anxiety, I limited visitors to my hospital room, and it was the best gift I gave my healing. It was for people who were there for me and spoke with me.
When it comes to sisters, it is definitely not about you, it's about her feelings, her expectations, and her responses. She is pushing her brother to see what he is willing to do to conform to her...and if you are able to provide him support by not responding in kind, and keeping it positive (even if it is silence), it will change the outcome in a better way. By putting your well-being first, it shows self respect.
Parents, same method. Just keep reminding yourself, staying positive for your well-being first will give you the better option for continued improvement. If you do not want to call them on their behavior, then choose a way to gracefully remove yourself from the conversation.
Keep your focus "in the moment". All of the above suggestions are ways to give yourself the ability to recognize your strength in the moment.
Best wishes! You can do this!
I’m sorry you are having a tough time. Please know that we are here and we care for you.
I pray for safe surgery and things will get better in your family. Take care and I hope you will stay strong. Please keep us posted. God bless.
Didnt see anyone this weekend, which makes for an uncomfortable longing (chest is always tight) but I stayed in saturday and watch netflix. Wasnt bad, but still felt lonely... weird, to feel alone and want to be anti-social at the same time.
kinda making a little nest inside my head, a place thats "safe" but dont know if I want to stay there...
Im definitly going to try to write more to help myself navigate through the waves of emotions.