Hey I'm Bea

For a long time now I’ve been wanting to join one of these groups. Wanting to just get all my thoughts out and who knows maybe my rant can help someone going through the same thing. 

I can't remember exactly how it all started but when I was young I would worry about things that wouldn't make sense. 
I was always getting my feelings hurt if I thought I did something wrong. My mom always said she never had to tell me what I did wrong because I’d already be beating myself up in my head. Overtime I have let it go unchecked and it got to a point where I can't go to work, go to a party or any unfamiliar place without feeling anxious before. 

It’s gotten to a point where It’s physically draining and I just can't do it anymore. 

To be honest it’s created a really big conflict in my life and in my relationships. 

I was doing some research about the kind of anxiety I think I have to learn what I can do to overcome it. 

I’ve struggled with social anxiety recently. Doing things that are probably normal to most people like meeting new people, conversations in large groups, parties, and large gatherings were difficult for me. I would always set myself up for disaster. I overthink before I go anywhere then when I'm there it shifts to me just being really nervous. 

I frequently feel nervous and anxious about things that I have no control over. I have an excessive fear of being judged or criticized by others. I think it’s made me want to avoid people altogether. I have a tendency to predict the worst in situations and people. I get easily embarrassed over little things.

I am very sensitive when people confront me. I often misinterprets comments as negative when they’re not. I am really hyper critical. 

 I might just list things but I get stuck on negative thoughts. I do have excessive senseless worrying. I worry about things that I don't think other people would think about. I get stuck on certain fears or anxieties 

I have a tendency to say no without thinking first. I have an intense dislike for change and recently all I’ve had is a lot of big changes in my life. I need to learn how to embrace change as a good thing. 

 I have a short fuse and I am very irritable around the people that I love. Which really it’s not what I want at all. My boyfriend and I have had a few arguments about my anxiety and just how I view myself. He gets frustrated because he doesn't understand completely and hates it when I beat myself up and I get frustrated because he doesn’t see how hard I fight to not let my thoughts just consume me. 

I started those thought patterns and didn’t understand how much it would affect me. If I could go back in time which we all know we can’t. If I could the only thing I would wish to do different is to live fearlessly and to not let what other people thought about me shape who I am. 

I let my thoughts dictate my actions. I have let my thoughts control me for too long and I think it’s time to be rid of any negative thought patterns I’ve been hanging onto. I believe that it is so hard but so easy at the same time.

When I was researching my anxiety some things about depression came up and I started to realize that I still have it. I am restless most nights I’m very irritable sometimes and I do cry a lot and most of the time for no reason. I don’t sleep a lot and i’ve become an early morning person. 

I have constant appetite changes and decreased energy 

These are just a few depression characteristics. Most of these things I’ve blamed on other things wanting to pretend like I’m not struggling with it. 

I used to struggle with depression really bad and maybe I thought it was done and over with but I never really dealt with it. 

I started struggling with depression when I was a young teen around 15 or 16. It started with me feeling like I didn’t fit in at school. I grew up in a more wealthy town and coincidentally my family was not wealthy. My mom divorced my dad when I was very young so it was always just her raising four kids. I am the baby of the family. Even into your twenties you’re still the baby. 

I always felt like an outcast in school   I felt like I needed to look a certain way. Act a certain way. Pretend to be someone completely different then who I was. In the process of trying to make myself "fit in" I threw out what made me uniquely me. I see how now that uniqueness is the most special part of me. 

I don't really talk about this much but me comparing myself to other people in my school affected me for years. I thought there had to be something wrong with me because I wasn’t like everyone else. 

I developed an eating disorder that got out of control just as soon as it started. I didn’t really have a lot of weight to begin with so when I dropped a few more pounds it was noticeable. I thought being pretty was defined by my outside but it isn't at all. I'd rather be beautiful on the inside then the out. Eating Disorders are so dangerous. I wish I was warned more as a kid to stay away from them. 

When I did eat there were times I would throw it up. It’s crazy because you become addicted to this mindset of skinny and all your attention is focused on that. 

My body years later is fairly skinny but I have some muscle on me now. When I really starved myself it would be days and it affects you. I still have rib pains which I think is from being that skinny. 

I woke up one day I was really hungry and I decided I couldn’t do it anymore. I had to take care of myself and not choose ‘beauty’ or having a good figure but to choose myself. I stopped forcing myself to throw up. I knew It had gotten way out of hand. Your body needs food to thrive. I’ve been trying to not be too harsh on myself for eating. I used to hate meal times and eating. Now I love eating and I have more of an appetite than ever. 

I used to hurt myself when I was consumed by my depression. 

It would be because of a mistake I made  or if I gained weight. Then when it got too far was when I was doing it for the release I thought I was getting. 

The best decision I made for myself was to stop and throw away everything I was hurting myself with. I also made the decision to start taking care of myself that day. To start loving myself rather than hating myself for everything. 

Looking back now it gives me the chills. I was looking for an escape in something that could never fully make me feel free. I would just end up spiraling more and more. I was very secretive about my scars for years. I never had the guts to tell my family. It just make my heart ache when I think about how they were concerned and could tell something wasn’t right. They actually point blank asked me if I was hurting myself and I said no. I was so ashamed I couldn’t face it. The only person I’ve ever told is my boyfriend. He was really supportive and caring. He asked me to tell him if I ever got in the mindset again. 

This may sound cheesy but my boyfriend has been a huge blessing in my life. He knocked down all my walls and has helped me to feel more complete. Before I met him I think there was this big hole where my heart was supposed to be. I remember feeling like no man would ever love me with all my flaws. But God saw my struggle and put an amazing man on my path. 

I think this is why I decided to write this today. Because my trauma was never really dealt with but instead just shoved further and further down inside of me. 

I believe I can work through this anxiety like I’ve worked through my other issues in the past. 

I am going to try my very best to give God all my worries and all my doubts. I know that God is stronger than me and I was not meant to bear this anxiety alone. 

 So to anyone else who may feel in the middle of an anxious battle, you should all just give it to God too. 

We were made to live our lives not worry and obsess over them. I try to remind myself of that every day. 

Sorry for the novel. 
Thanks for listening