Well, I hate to say this to anyone, but it doesn't sound like you are in a very healthy relationship. If you're husband treats you like a child and is frequently looking to box you up in your own emotions using his own anger, you might be with someone with narcissistic personality disorder. That might be leaping ahead, but what he's doing just doesn't sound right. I might be a little biased because my own ex-husband was like that, so if I'm way off, just ignore me.

Also, it sounds like you are on the submissive side in the relationship, which isn't healthy, either. A marriage should be a partnership of equals. Also a little thing like wiping the counter shouldn't send you into a panic.

I know what it's like to try to please someone like that, and trust me, it can't be done. If I were you, I would start to take a good, hard look at your marriage with the help of a good therapist.

I agree with Judy my wife is like u and I make her tell me what's on her mind so she doesn't go off and kill me lol she bottles everything up so I have to keep at her to tell me but it's worth it in the long run I have panic attacks and she doesn't understand that but she supports me now when I have them she used to get mad and that just makes it worse and she finally get the message loud and clear when the doc told her she has to support me or she makes it worse hope u feel better

I am afraid I would tell my husband, in not very nice terms, that if he wants the sink wiped down he can do it himself.
I finally learned that the world isn't going to end if someone is angry at me. I had to look within as well as be willing to have him leave me if need be. Then facing the worst fear w/in myself(abandonment) it no longer had power over me. The world won;t end if someone is mad at you.And yes your hubby sounds a bit controlling and abusive, but still you can't change him. You can only change yourself and your reaction to him.

I have started a project which starts with 'shine the sink'. It is from a website that I will not mention here, however, the use of this process has been positive in our home, improving active communication is the direction of encouragement.

However, I have noticed that the responses already listed work on the relationship part of the situation. Here's what changed the response in our house. I can not change how the other person feels, reacts, or responds. I can, however, change the way I feel, react, or respond, and in turn, this changes the response because the usual response no longer fits the situation.

With 'shine the sink', it is keeping the sink shining, and taking care of the dishes to where they belong. When I first started this, I was spending a lot of time doing dishes at the end of the day, and not always getting them put away out of the dish drain til the next day. So, I do the dishes first thing in the morning, cleaning out the sink so it shines.

When it comes to people complaining to me about how they dislike the way I do things, I usually keep quiet. It's their problem. When a solution is mentioned, I consider it. However, I do not have to respond in kind to the negative statement. Doing that is not helping my well-being. I have learned to wait until I am calm, focused, and ready to put my plan in action before I answer a complaint made in a manner that shows the person speaking is not ready to listen.

If it bothers you to keep the counter clean, then write out in a journal what you would prefer to do. Often, when we write out our real feelings, keeping them private, we discover that the underlying issue may be something else entirely.

Best wishes. Hope you find a way to work through this. It really is the little things that add up to a combined feeling.

I know my relationship is far from perfect. We both have issues and the feed off each other. Most of the time my husband is pretty laid back about the house. We have been together 5 years and the dishes have never been done all the time. I told him it wasn't going to happen and I have always done them as I got to them.

We have been doing renovations for a year and a half and living in a construction zone for almost a year. This has caused both of us a lot of stress. When he has a lot of pressure and stress he usually has more of an issue with the little things. We never had these problems before this renovation. Most of our problems were normal disagreements over little things. I have always had a hard time with fighting though.

Now that I have my first home I want to be able to handle if he gets upset over dumb stuff. I don't know how to let it go and not let the fear of someone being mad control me.

My husband defiantly could handle situations nicer but I really believe that these situations are made bigger because I panic when people are mad at me. Even my parents I can't handle it. I try to do things so I don't upset people. The bigger issue is I have a hard time with this and don't know how to fix it.

Sorry if I leapt too far ahead. I was in an emotionally abusive relationship, so I tend to see things through that lens. Whatever the case, it sounds like you might be having some difficulty communicating with each other, due to the stress of the renovation. Fortunately, that's a temporary situation. Now you have the opportunity to learn a little better communication.

My husband and I trade cooking and doing the dishes. Whoever cooks, the other person does the dishes. I always wipe down everything when I'm done. My husband tends to leave all the pans to "soak" and he doesn't wipe anything down, which meant I was finishing up the next day. I lived with it for awhile then one night I decided to bring it up. This is how I communicate issues to my husband: make a little joke, then seriously tell him what's bothering me, then I thank him for being him and for doing all the things he does. In this case, doing the dishes whenever I cook.

Joke, criticism, then gratitude. Because I am really thankful he helps out around the house. It keeps the peace. And he is a lot better now about leaving half of the job for me.

As far as your panic goes, I would ask myself why I feel so scared of the other person's anger. Try to get to the root of your fear and you will have a better handle on it the next time you have a conflict.

I am working on my anxiety issues. It is hard. The other night I was having a panic attack so I forgot to mention the renovation part. We have been under this stress so long it is starting to feel normal. We both had a hard time communicating before and my husband can get moody but so can I.

I'm just overwhelmed and sick of living with anxiety. Although my husband gets upset (maybe more than some people) how I react each time is something I can change. A lot of my issues are internal and I have distorted thinking and tend to blow things up.

I can certainly relate to that. Perhaps do some deep breathing, or take a walk when it gets to be too much. That's actually the oldest marriage advice in the book: take a walk when you're upset and everything will look different when you come back.

Are you doing any therapy or taking medication to deal with your anxiety problems?

I am going to see a doctor to get back on Meds and I need to find a new therapist. Mine thought I was fine and kept trying to stop seeing me because she thought I didn't need therapy anymore. So I just stopped going and need to find someone new.

I have been praying when situations come up or mostly when I fear they will come up and that is helping.

In the moment is still hard. It's too cold for a walk but maybe I could exercise in the house.

Oh, I forgot how cold it is in the states. We live in Germany, where we've had a very mild winter. I do feel cooped up when it rains, however. That could be part of your problem.

I do a lot of yoga at home and it helps my anxiety tremendously. I hope things get better soon, maybe with the help of a new therapist!