Hi Kennedi10,

I do remember before, and I assume this is the same 19 year old son, that he took your car without permission, he quit college, and is home smoking pot all day, and you said he kept asking for money back then. Have any of those behaviors gotten better? (Is he back in school, did he get a job, does he have a car, did he stop smoking pot?)

It must be a tough position for you to be in. You want to help him because he's your son, but when does that help end, and will he ever get back on his feet if you keep helping him?

Some questions to ask yourself. Good luck with all of this. I am sure it is very hard on you. Don't let him guilt trip you into something you did or said years ago?? Remember - you are the parent.

Ouch to the nth degree, Kennedi. My theiving cherub is 40 now and still on the entitlement plan he established during his teen years. His demands keep growing with his waistline and social isolation.

I waited until he was old enough to be prosecuted as an adult to press charges. My hindsight wish is that I had pressed charges while he was young enough to receive the juvenile justice services. Just wishing. . . The past cannot be undone. I don't know if pressing charges earlier would have prevented his current fate any, but? ? ? It remains tough turf for me to navigate. Little ones, little heartaches. Big ones, big heartaches.

Gentle support while you figure your own, Kennedi. It's a toughie. Wish I had easy answers for all of us.

Hi unfortunately he hasn’t changed any of his behaviors. I know I’ve got to do something. This is easily the toughest decision I have to make. Especially during this particular time of the pandemic etc. ugh.

Sorry. Is his father in his life at all and do those two get along?

Yes he does talk to his dad. He’s in another state but they have good relationship.

Hmm. What I'm going to say is that you're expressing hurt feelings over criminal actions.

Take away the relationship, the names, and put person a and person in the place and write out what you would choose that way.

This is NOT about relationships. This is NOT about a person. This is NOT about what happened in the past.

This is a criminal action.

It's something that affects the well-being of you, your lifestyle, your environment, your safety.

In order to take care of others, you must first take care of you.

You can NOT do both.

Ignoring the criminal action means it will probably happen again and again and again.

His words mean absolutely nothing-they are his usual response guaranteed to get you thinking emotionally: "How do you help a kid who steals from you?" "How do I correct this?".

$1,000.00 is a felony in most cases. It is a serious criminal offense and affects their ability to obtain decent paying jobs with a career focus.

He's harboring anger for a decision you made a couple of years ago and later corrected?

His actions belong to him. He is responsible for what he says, does, responds, and how he reacts.

You are responsible for your actions, what you say, do, respond, and how you react.

If this decision is still affecting how both of you are responding two years later, then this issue needs to be responded to in a different way to change the outcome.

If you do nothing about this criminal action now, you have made your decision.

He is able to do criminal actions, and have you take responsibility for his actions.

As a parent of an adult "child", leaving the juvenile justice system behind is a decision a lot of parents make, in the hope that their child learns from their experience.

Sometimes, it works and the child moves on, takes responsibility and is able to make better decisions.

Sometimes, it does NOT work, and the child is now an "adult" in the chronological sense. They are still making "child" decisions.

These decisions come with much more serious consequences.

The expectation that their parent will bail them out, cover their financial expenses, and provide them with shelter, food, clothes, and stability continues.

If your decision two years ago is affecting your ability to think clearly, please write it out in a private journal and work through all of those to understand your feelings. Feelings are valid, feelings are real, and the hurt needs to be worked through so you are in a better balance to manage the situation for your well-being.

Once you get your well-being in a better balance, you'll be more calm, able to focus on specific ways to challenge your son's usual pattern of behavior and help him learn to manage his actions with responsibility.

Best wishes.

I don't think we help people when we enable them or rescue them or take away their consequences. I don't think we help people when we remove their consequences and what Al Anon says is we actually make them hate themselves and us more by indicating they can't take care of their own problems. I think perhaps reconsider the filing of fraud charges. Lock up your credit cards, etc. Change the passwords on your bank accounts and don't allow him to use your computer. He is not going to change because he doesn't have to. I know I am saying tough stuff. One of my adult children is diagnosed as a sociopath and only they can fix themselves or change. This adult kid truly has no empathy and feels entitled to my money because I owe him and the world owes him. Family members have rescued this adult kid over and over and they have faced no consequences their entire life. Your son may decide to estrange from you as punishment. This is something that should not stop you for doing what is best for him. Sit and think about what is truly best for this adult who has no remorse, no empathy, uses you, steals, lies, etc. Let go of any guilt and shame and don't self blame. No matter what you did a few years ago. It has no bearing on who he is and what he is inside of himself.

Lock up the credit cards, car keys etc. Let him know you have zero trust in him. Sell his phone, laptop something worth $1000. I wouldn’t press charges but tell him next time you will.

Call his father and let him know what is happening. Maybe he should go live with his dad.

Or, why is he living with either of you when he is almost 20? I think he needs an eye opener. Tell him you will kick him out. That he has to get a job. He has to get his own place. Or live with his Dad.

You need to be firm, because it seems, from before too, that he will keep walking all over you if you don't put a stop to this.

Thanks everyone. I’m an enabler. Ugh. I said it. I hate that word. He stole from me. And has zero remorse. And I’m still trying to save him. I’m still concerned about his well being. And he doesn’t give a ish about me. I could tell you about done property damage he’s done in the last month to my things but I’m gonna spare you. I just clean up all his messes. And he knows it. And that’s why he does what he does. So I’m struggling to take the next step to protect myself and my things. I’m struggling with wanting and needing to do something. It’s my son. We are supposed to protect them and be there for them and all of that. I’m now looking to hire an interventionist. But I know exactly what I need to do. I need to strip him of all the pleasantries he has - cell phone, meals, and the car. His father is of little help. He’s still upset with me because I left him years ago so when
My
Son talks about me to him I’m sure he prob agrees or whatever. I am going to do something - I just have to decide if I want to do an intervention or if I just wanna take the chance and put him out and take possession of everything That he is clearly enjoying right now which is the car and the phone and feeding his ungrateful ass.

You've expressed the dilemma you are coping with to make the decision you want to make, but don't want to leave your child hurting, aching, lonely, suffering, or otherwise "not being taken care of" as you are always going to be his "mom", no matter what.

When two parents have to live apart, be apart, be separate, and one parent has NOT accepted their part in the relationship changes, the child often feeds off that behavior. The difference now is that you are capable of understanding that no matter what you do now, someone is going to have to suffer the consequences, whether it is you or your son.

The intervention is possible as a short-term solution, however, if your son chooses to follow the rules in that moment and then switches back, what do you have in mind for that? You have to face this in the intervention-the end result.

Yes, the vehicle (those keys, the insurance, the tags...if you pay for them, they BELONG to you)-take the keys. The phone - if you pay for it, it BELONGS to you and is only used for emergencies. The food-this one took a little investigation to figure out what was most eaten-only purchase minimal of special items and if you have something special you want for yourself, then keep it hidden.

Best wishes! Let out your feelings in a safe way and cry those tears of hurt, and then when you face this person, be strong, be calm, and be kind to your self!

Thanks so much Mid - I’ve taken the step of getting my son out of the house. He has through this weekend to get out. I had a talk with him and told him the deal. I’ve done everything I can to help him but I told him the lying and stealing I can’t tolerate. He says he has friends he can stay with so I risk him have at it but he has to be out of the house by Friday. This is very difficult for me but I know I’ve gotta do it for him and also for myself.