"I don't want to hurt her feelings because she will feel like she doesn't make me happy and then that makes me feel worse.." I think that is a mistaken male perception. Instead I think women consistently say they want communication, and would prefer to discuss the hard things. Read Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, which discussed the tendency of men to retreat to their cave.

You may have some hard decisions, and there are some obvious choices.

1. Can you transition to another profession, at least another area with your skills,
2. Can you find way to deal with your anxiety.
3. Would a counselor or career coach help.

I think writing here was a good first step in confronting issues and problems.

Welcome to the anxiety board at DS.

Writing it out is the best gift we give ourselves.

I'm going to tell you this particular insight, both as a female, as a spouse of a 'silent' communicator, and as an individual who has gone through a therapy treatment plan to help me find my better balance in the moment, no matter what is going on.

You are responsible for what you say, do, act, react, and respond. You are NOT responsible for what others say, do, act, react, and respond.

If you withhold words, events, feelings, and use the '...', then you are missing the connection of relationship communication.

Due to the way the situation rolls, a lot of work information is classified for the safety and security of the first responders and the clients they provide public services for.

What this means is you learn the boundaries of communication for official information purposes, and then you work through the feelings through doing activities that connect you and your spouse. It can be as simple as taking a walk together and doing a special meal (planning, preparing, and clean-up is included).

In other directions, you find relief for the situations you deal with in your profession in a positive way.

The first responders I know, all have their own ways of decompressing from work to home.

They all say that knowing they can just sit here quietly, have a cuppa, and hug for those moments where loss and tragedy have overloaded their ability to balance have given them the courage to let their minds heal and reset with doing physical activity.

Anxiety is your helper. The ability to remain calm in the stressful moment is important to use to help yourself decompress to a natural balance as well.

You have taken a huge step in coming here to help find your path to healing.

Thank you for your responses.

I'm sorry, I should have clarified I am a female married to another female. I have told her that I'm going through a lot in my head and she listens. However, I get distant, don't talk much, and more and that makes her worried that she is doing something wrong and it's like I need to reassure her at the same time I'm trying to breathe without feeling like I have an elephant on my chest constantly. I have deeply debated on another career path and I just can't find anything that interests me, I guess I'm just not ready to move on yet.

I've started different medications and I talk with my counselor and I believe those have helped, but it's like this ptsd/anxiety has spiraled my entire personality and I don't know what can help. I'm forgetful, I don't speak up, I'm more shy and not as outspoken. I used to hate when people took hours or days to respond to texts and now I have become that person. My temper is short. I get annoyed easily. I'm all over the place with my thoughts. I feel like I'm just a whole different person and I hate who I have become. I think if I could get back to who I was before, I could get through this but I don't know how to do so.

Is it due to the graphic nature of the scenes your exposed to, due to your career? Cant get certain things out of your mind?

hello medic. welcome to ds. sorry for what brings you here, but glad you are here.

my spouse is wonderfully tolerant of my ptsd psycho ticks and the psychotherapy attached, but i subscribe to the notion that loved ones make lousy therapists and/or therapy peer supporters. personally, i am ever more grateful that my husband is not capable of detaching far enough to be a good therapist nor experienced enough to be a good peer supporter. may he never truly understand what i am going through.

i hold solid and diverse peer support as the most important element of my recovery. the pros are a wonderful source of theory and information, but it is my peers who help me translate that academic expertise into every day life and help me hold steady through the difficult process of accomplishing that. a single piece of pro advice can take years to implement. support needed. it is far easier said than done.

this very forum is one of the nodes on my diverse peer support network. i maintain a network instead of a single node for the sake of covering all possibilities, but this forum is a mighty fine start. i hope it serves you as well as it has served me.

welcome aboard.

My brother is in his early 40s. He became a firefighter at age 18. He became an EMT with the fire department maybe 6 years ago. He became really burned out from being an EMT and it started to take a mental toll and it was hard on his wife as well. He recently was able to transfer back to being a firefighter. He has much more balance in his life and is happier. He started taking classes last year to eventually become a nurse. His plan is when he retires from being a firefighter (probably in his late 40s/early 50s) he do nursing.

Maybe start thinking about a plan B with your career so that when you are ready, you have a path forward. I think these types of jobs are rife with burnout.

In the mean time find support like here, or if there are support groups through your profession. I suspect there are a lot of people in your shoes.

I’ve been through PTSD through my job in the past I’ve been through a trauma mental arouse meant by a supervisor I can relate to some of the things you have

Being a paramedic is not easy. I worked with many first responders in my own job, day in and day out. One never knows what the next call will be. This is a field that requires a lot of understanding about life in general as well as the ability to undergo the day to day stress it puts on you. Many I worked with were actually well suited to the rigors of the job, those that weren’t were easy to identify. It could be your talent lies in another medical field more suited to your particular human characteristics. If so, don’t look at it as a failure, you tried, and it’s not working out. So what? Try a change in fields, if you need more education, get it. Besides ptsd, there is also job burnout, which affects many in your particular field. You should look at the symptoms to see if they fit what you are feeling. A good sense of self confidence is needed in your profession, if you are experiencing anxiety related to your job, I would expect that you are simply lacking the confidence you need if you, in fact, like what you do. If you are going to therapy, that’s what I would suggest you start to focus on. Anxiety robs us of what self confidence we have. Another avenue would be to fully understand your abilities and limitations as a human being. We are not perfect, we won’t save every patient, we won’t always be able to do things according to protocol because sometimes shit happens. All we can ever do is our best and second guessing ourselves is no good. My colleagues would always discuss calls, hash them out, gain insight, learn from each other, share their failures and successes. It is so much better than keeping those feelings bottled up with no outlet. As to sharing with your spouse, discussing calls, feelings about them, etc, there is nothing wrong with it as long as names and such are not given. General information is not violating any privacy law when it comes to discussing your experiences and how they made you feel. Give your spouse a little more credit for being understanding, after all, you are together for a reason.