I feel like I cant do this anymore. I cant go on fighting so hard and ending up w/nothing. I am not like other people. I dont believe Im normal or worthy. I dont believe I have the right to live, work hard, and reap the benefits of my actions. I am a failure. I followed the footsteps of many people before me. Their steps led them to happiness, peace, and success. Those same footsteps led me in a circle leading me back to where I started from. Broken, used, thrown away, damaged, unworthy.
I get up every morning and go to work. Im good at my work. I clean my house, call my friends,, and try to do the right things. I end up broke, I end up alone even when surrounded by people, I end up wanting to relax and feel peaceful. I fear that peace is not possible for me so long as I am alive.
I go without so much. I dont travel, buy new books, eat out frequently, spend money on frivolous clothes and shoes, have a cell phone, or engage in some of my favorite hobbies. I say no to many pleasurable activities for financial reasons. My financial restraint has gotten me through college, through being laid off, through quitting a horrible job. By the time I dig myself out again and have another savings account built up, I will likely be out of work again. Yet, my family judges me by my brothers poor financial decisions. They treat me as if I cannot do for myself what they can do for me. Other family members say Im well off. I have so much. Friends are just frustrated that I cant meet them for lunch, take a weekend trip, or go to the movies.
Everyone looks at me and sees me through their biases and assumptions. What few see is the pain and the fear. They dont see the fear that when I look over my shoulder the devil will be standing there. The fear of knowing my brain is malfunctioning as no healthy brain would tell me to face my shoes to the wall so that if they begin walking, they wont walk towards me.
I went to counseling. The guy in Buffalo was a creep. The one in Albany cancelled most of our appointments. In Norwich, the counselor admitted to being intimidated by my education. In Dunkirk the first counselor thought I should try EMDR therapy. So I switched to someone certified. That counselor said I needed more intensive therapy than they could provide and recommended I go to the county behavioral hygiene clinic. The counselor there has no suggestions for me when I told him I go to bed each night hoping to not awaken in the morning. What else could I have tried? The Psychiatrists, counselors, doctors, and other mental health professionals all said they couldnt help me.
So I sit hear crying and wondering what I should do. I could OD on pills. God knows I have enough pain killers and psychiatric medications to get the job done. But what if I vomit after passing out and live? Could I bear the humiliation of the world knowing I cant even do that one thing right? That fear is the only reason I dont kill myself right now. The fear of fucking up one more thing.
There lies my pain. The pain of knowing I am a failure at both life and death.