To an extent, I have been avoiding my friends.  I am normally not the type to avoid people that I am close with, but since the pandemic, I've been doing it a lot more.  I'm not sure exactly what is causing it, but it started when the pandemic started. In 2020, we met vituallly on zoom when the lockdown was in full force, and it was nice at the beginning and kept me going. By the end of 2020 I just dreaded the zoom calls more than you can imagine. We had one friend who dominated the group with her rage and self-centeredness, I remember we were unintentionally actually shouting right over each other one evening, so I thought to myself it was very unproductive, so I really backed off.  The rest of the people in the group were angry as well and it was upsetting me. A lot of politics and virus. When things started opening up again, I started getting out of the house again and stopped the zoom meetings. 

One of the things that we started resuming was our road trips and hikes this year. We had been on hiatus for literally the whole year.  Before the pandemic, a lot of times I wound up driving, which was not such a big deal, but lately it has felt like a big deal because this same person I spoke of above has just decided to stop taking turns driving. Nobody else wants to do it, so it defauts to me, and that is way too much effort and stress.  I told her I just couldn't do it continually, as it was so tiring and her response was blunt: "Well you have a nice car so you can do it."  (?)  I would be available for local hikes/excursions, now that the weather is good, but I am working alongside going to school until the end of the year, so my availability is next to nothing for even local events.

When I get the monthly hike emails I usually respond, even if I can't go-I will say something just to be polite and not blow her off, even if it's to say I can't make it. We've been hiking together getting close to ten years. Lately, I don't respond at all when I get the emails, I just freeze. I just emotionally panic and freeze up because she gets so belligerent and demaning that I can't handle it. I'm afraid that if I say I wiil be available for something local-and then something changes due to my crazy schedule, she wiil not be able to accept it.  She argues, gets frantic and angry when things don't go her way in the slightest, so it's just easier for me to say nothing. And, then I feel guilty about saying nothing. I feel like I walk on eggshells with her. It's really stressful.  I feel conflicted.