Hello Different :)

Tell your mother she is everything to you. That she makes you happy and you care for her.

Both of my parents are gone, and now I wish so much I'd told them
when I was able. :(

Lots of ppl live some years before life's events allow them to start meeting ppl they are compatible with. And in my case I was on a social service project in a ghetto -- about a dozen of us.. One of the young women a!so on the project -- and I -- hit it off.

It was unexpected. Was a thousand miles from home, just for the summer. It never crossed my mind that I might....

It was *very* unplanned for.

You'll do fine. Average marriage happens at almost 30. You're young.

. :) . . sincerely, Caleb

Calebb, said it very well at the end of his post. As far as never being abused, etc.. it sounds like somewhere down the line, you were afraid of rejection so you make sure you destroy the relationship before they can. Is any of this possibly true? You were so young when you first started dating and I don't even know if you could understand what true love is at that age, not a love that will last a lifetime. Because you had your heart broken at such a young age, I think that is part of where your fear of rejection comes into play, and I think you are obsessing about wanting to be married. You have plenty of time for that. What worries me is that you are going to keep choosing the wrong guys and will continue to leave them before they can leave you. Let a relationship grow, don't force it, and then you will find one that will last. But first you have to get over this fear of being alone. The best and longest relationships are when two people can start out as friends and they build from there. Right now, I would be concentrating more on your mother because you don't know how much more time you have with her. Hugs GB

Hey Gramybear :)

I think you may have misinterpreted me.I never try and leave them. I have only had three instances where that happened...

1. When I was 14, and the guy became uncomfortably clingy (not wanting my friends around, wanting to keep haire, etc..no thanks!!)
2. Breaking up with someone I dated a year, he wouldn't work and was lazy. He had a good heart and honestly did love me, but I no longer wanted it.
3. Guy I dated for 5 months. Started fine and he knew what he was doing, but started to get a tad rude after a few months. Not by much, but I pulled away and he pulled too close. Ended.

Every other time I have been dumped. I used to want a future with every partner I had, but I have gotten selective now that I am older.

The first

***the firstguy I dated broke me. I was 14, he was 15. We were "in love". He wrecked m

I have a fear of that now, and think it's potentially affecting my current relationship. This partner I chose very carefully, and yes we were friends for a few months before. We started dating in June, but by early November I was upset I didn't see him as much, he didn't respond to texts near instantly anymore, and we had a nasty fight. I was childish and dumped him, we got back together a few days after. We have been fighting a bit recently, and he has distanced himself when I flail out at him and call 50 times/text 50 times when there is an issue. Some days he wont come see me because of the way I act and try to guilt/control him. I love him, and he loves me, but he said he feels like I am getting too attached in a non-healthy way. I get offended when he wants a lot of free time or time to sit back after a day at work and watch movies/xbox with friends for 4 hours. he still responds to me, but takes longer. My anxiety is setting in now because he gets off work in an hour and will probably do that. I used to be that space and he keeps telling me that that's how it is in new relationships, but we are more settled. I have anxiety he will dump me because he said we feel "different" after the last few spats, but says we won't break up :/

Well good for you for leaving the first 3. They sound like they could have become very abusive and toxic for you. So good job on that. You come first. Try not to do to this boyfriend, what was done to you. Don't become obsessive because that will push a guy away really fast. It does concern me that he told you that things seemed different. I don't know why he is fooling with your mind like that. Here is a great quote I found and maybe he should read it too, just not on your site, right? LOL

1. A reporter asked a couple,
"How did you manage to stay married for 65 years?"
The woman replied, "We were born in a time when if something was broken we would fix it, not throw it away.

Too many relationships want it all to be sugar and spice, but a real relationship takes time and takes a lot of love. I didn't mean to upset you with my last post to you, I just want to make sure you don't get hurt anymore. Hugs GB

Listen to what he is saying to you. You are slowly smothering both him (and your relationship) to death. Stop obsessively calling and texting him, Pull back and let him come to you. Let him miss you. Develop your own interests outside of the relationship. You will become and much more fulfilled and interesting person.

A hard lesson I had to learn was that you have to learn how to love and be comfortable with yourself before another person will.

Gramybear- Thank you! I know my self-worth. Your quote helped, and that's how we view it. We have been together through a lot, and are working towards fixing it.

During the day we broke up he asked a friend on a date, and they kissed. He wanted to see her after and do more. That was brought up and yes it was cheating, but it was once and only but STILL no excuse. He realized this, and I believe honestly it's because I was dragging him down so much. Again he admits it was no excuse, but sometimes you have to consider other people's feelings. Even the friend said it isn't in his character to be like that.

Clover- The thing is, I don't know limits honestly :'( That and what my mother feeds me. My mom is very strong and independent (her and my dad have been married 30 years, and she definitely put him in her place) and she is very insistent about how if it's an issue now I better leave him, we shouldn't go through struggles, etc and how I deserve better. I feel like his behavior needs to be better, and so does mine. That's what it comes down to. We were never like that before the clinging began, though it isn't all my fault as he readily says. I mean...I doubt a 21 year old guy would be sitting there in tears holding me close saying how wrong he was and how he never wants to let me go and loves me if he didn't feel like that.

With that being said, he said he feels smothered because of what I do to him. He works a four day work week as an auto sales rep, so a desk job...so ten hours a day, 10-8:30pm. Because of the sensitive nature of insurance information he receives, he is not allowed to have his phone out in his office. Only outside on breaks. He used to talk to me on text during breaks, but he isn;t going outside now since it's cold (I don't blame him). He told me when he gets home, he likes to relax- play video games on headset with the guys, post to youtube, talk to friends, family, etc. I would get upset if he didn't respond to me in under ten minutes. Very upset. Or recently him and his guy friends have gotten into some new xBox game, and they do this headset thing with it for four hours a night. He still talks, but I get upset when he doesn't talk right away or takes longer than 10 minutes. I want him to video chat or call me for 30-45 minutes a night, then respond in under ten minutes to IMs/texts. On top of that, I want one of his days off for the full day, and the other half. He said that's just a bit too much.

I cried and asked him why we used to be like that, and he told me he's made some new buddies at work now and they like to have fun too. He said a half day may not be the best out of the three days he has off because of him liking to sleep in and now having even more interests, although I am still important he said. I think this is outrageous that he is cutting his time with me now and being selfish to allow himself more alone time just because he found a new hobby/friends. I don't know who is right and who is wrong. We are going to Oovoo in about 30 minutes when he gets home to talk about how we can make a compromise with it, because he said nobody should have to sacrifice anything in any relationship.

If I don't cling, I feel like he will forget me or spend more time with the guys/family/friends/self. He thinks they are just as important as me, and it hurts. One day he told me, "you realize acting like this pushes me away and makes me want to see you less and oovoo less because you make it seem like it has rules and obligations?" I feel like he will forget about plans because he sees relationships as fitting into each other's lives and makes plans like a day before or i have to bring them up :'( So I remind him at least 3 times a day.

"One day he told me, "you realize acting like this pushes me away and makes me want to see you less and oovoo less because you make it seem like it has rules and obligations?""

I don't see how much more of a picture he needs to draw for you. Your "10-minute response" rule is just that -- a rule and obligation.

Give him some breathing room. While he is unavailable and playing games with his guy friends, go have a "girls night out" with your friends. Take up some new interests, enroll in a class. Do something except sit around and ruminate about this guy. Push the envelope and date other guys.

Frankly, if a guy I was dating, went out with a friend a mere day after we broke up, (and wanted it to go further than just kissing) that would be a huge red flag. It sounds like he wants more of a casual relationship whereas you want something more exclusive and committed. Gain some self-respect and dump him before he REALLY hurts you.

If you truly want a serious committed relationship that would eventually lead to marriage, then you need to look for a guy who wants that too.

Sorry to sound blunt, but earlier in my life, I did enough begging for crumbs than I care to admit. On the other hand, I've also been with needy, clingy guys and at first I felt mildly annoyed and smothered. That quickly turned into disgust and distancing.

Good luck to you.

The girl was a longtime friend, they were hanging out. The kiss was the only thing that happened, but he wanted it to be overnight. It was just explained and he said so himself- you pushed me away, called me mean names and controlled me, I thought it was going to be rocky and end and you'd hurt me more, I did it as an emotional escape. It was reiterated again that this was not okay, and he cut off contact with her for good, even showing me screenshots. I cannot say any different since I cheated then too with a classmate and went further than that. I personally believe everyone may be entitled to one slip up, depending on the circumstances, and I felt that it was forgiveable, even though it was entirely his fault. He admits it, and the subject isn't drilled any longer. However, if either of us pull some crap like that again, we both know we're done for and that problems are handled more effectively now. He kept his relationship status private since that fight and explained because of the rocky times and the constant suffocation, but all was fixed and back to public.

We talked about it over the phone for 3 hours. I see his perspective. I'm going to stop being so clingy and demanding and sometimes mean, and he's modifying his actions too. If we didn't love each other, I don't think we would have sat there and did that.

He wants marriage too, and for me to be in his life forever. We talked a lot about our future as well. this was brought up before I even said anything, both then and now

So, in answer to your original question regarding "relationship anxiety", I had no idea there was an actual term for that behavior. However, my son has the same problem you have. He's 31 and won't date due to his deep fear of rejection. Like you, he was rejected early in his teenage years, when one is most vulnerable to long-term emotional damage; particularly, when one is inexperienced. Additionally, he has a very controlling father who has never felt that my son "measures up" to his high standards. Typically, low self esteem leads to the type of behavior you're referencing, but not knowing you personally, I can't say that is your case. I do believe, having read your posts, that you have become too controlling. Could it be that your need to control comes from living with a parent who has controlled you? Again, not knowing your childhood, I can only ask. If that is the case, however, you might want to think about how that made you feel. If it worked on you, then maybe that's why you have a tendency to use that tactic on others. When it doesn't work with others, that may be what makes you anxious? Just some thoughts. Good luck!