Oh my, yes. I also have this issue with my mother. It started when I was a pre-teen - her letting me know that I am weak. I would hear "you have such a low threshold for pain" or "it's all in your head. Just get over it". UGH! The feelings this brings back. And it wasn't jus the words that hurt - it was the tone she used. A tone that said I was the scum of the earth. Last year she and I went to therapy together and worked out some of the issues.

As I have worked on these issues with my own therapist I have learned that I am not weak at all. My mother is. She projected her own feelings onto me. She wanted me to grow up strong and insulted me (tough love) to help make me strong. All it did was put a huge wedge between us. It's possible your mother is doing the same thing to you. She may outwardly say she is strong - becuase she wants to believe it - but inside, she really feels very weak.

Mothers.....

Thank you for your post. I am trying to help my husband who is dealing with anxiety. I am sad to say that I hear myself in you mother...I says these things to him all the time! My comments were always coming from a loving place...or at least until I read your post! I not know how that it is not helpful at all and he probably feels the same way toward me. THank you for opening my eyes!

Also, I hope you understand that your mother is probably also coming from a loving place but doesn't know that she is saying the wrong thing

Thank you for your posts lucky and nkrmom. nkrmom, I am glad that my post was helpful to you, it seems when you live with anxiety that we are a bit more sensitive than your average person, I can't take someone being mad at me and sometimes no one is mad at me but I am convinced that they are, I am convinced that everyone hates me but I know that, that isn't true. It is so hard to live with anxiety so please be patient with your husband. I can tell you from experience that he needs your love and support more than anything else in this world. You guys are probably right that my mom isn't trying to be hurtful but like I said I am very sensitive and I have a tendency to take things the wrong way. My mom and I have had a good relationship and than a not so good relationship involving how she treats all of her daughters differently (favoring one daughter over another) so that has always been an issue with me. I think I always feel inadequate because I am one of the daughters that she didn't favor. I know my mom has issues herself but her actions have really hurt me a lot and her words hurt a lot too.

My Mom and Dad raised me to be tough. They always gave me the "tough love" approach. This has probably caused my Anxiety, but I think you should know your Mother is coming from a loving place. Are her comments insensitive? Absolutely. She has no idea how you're feeling or what you're going through. However, it's usually the people that say comments like that, that are going through a hard time. Apathetic people (like myself) don't want to show empathy or understanding. We feel like it's a sign of weakness. Does that kind of make sense?

It sounds like maybe your mom has gotten into a better place with her anxiety, which probably occurred over time and due to better circumstances in her life so possibly it is more difficult for her to have empathy. Sort-of like a person who has dieted successfully or stopped smoking, they tend to address overweight people or smokers who want to quit, with a bit of an air of superiority, like "I was strong enough to master my problem but I see that you are not." They don't actually mean any harm but certainly it can be offensive. :-/ Hugs to you my dear, I hope you are able to get your dress and that the ceremony goes well!

I agree with what Sadiefae said. For example, my Sister used to be overweight. As soon as she lost all of the weight after having her Daughter, she started excessively dieting and exercising. (To a healthy degree.) I used to have an eating disorder, so I can't diet or exercise properly, without a relapse happening. She constantly tells me to stop smoking and get off of my lazy ass. She means well...but she's doing more harm than good. Kind of like your situation.

Thank you so much for your comments. I guess that old saying is true you always hurt the ones you love. It may not be intentional but the words still hurt just as much as they would have even if she meant to hurt me.

I also feel like having anxiety makes me more sensitive to things. I never really thought about it until rskb3 mentioned it, but now it's got me thinking.

It took me a long time to come around to this. Decades. My Dad openly called me passive just like my Mom....and it drove him nuts. What he didn't realize was that my being passive was a way of survival. I certainly couldn't speak up for myself because he would either shoot me down on the spot or use it against me later to his advantage. In addition, I have always had a hard time speaking up for myself or asking for anything. I don't want to hear the word: no. That word hurts and I heard it too much when I was younger....for things that were not unreasonable. I was a motherless daughter being raised by a narcissistic father and my voice was mute to him. I was only acknowledged for saying or doing things that made HIM look good.

Now that I am far away from him and have no contact for the 2nd time, my strength has been building. I am a strong person. In fact, I think that my inner strength is intimidating to others -- esp. if they have some personality disorder issues going on. I know what I want but dang, there are just so many messed up people out there trying to knock me down all the time. Standing up to them has been absolutely draining....but necessary in order for me to keep putting distance between what I was forced to be and what I am today. My father has always been the weak one but he plays his game well. I actually think I am stronger than him now because otherwise I wouldn't have been able to pull off the no contact...

(((Lots of hugs.)))

Ah, no. Your mom may have fear every day that she overcomes, but anxiety - by definition - is not something you can just "get over." If you could just get over it, you would. No one chooses to feel anxious. It sucks!

I've actually never met braver people than those with anxiety. Fear feels like a mouse sitting in the corner. Anxiety feels like a pack of hungry mountain lions with rabies chasing you down!

Growing up, my parents felt the best cure was to have me face everything that made me anxious. Afterwards, they'd say, "See you made it!" Well, that wasn't the point. With each test, I developed more and more stronger anxiety.

Now I have finally built my life the way I want it. I do what I am comfortable doing. If I'm not absolutely comfortable doing something the answer is "no."

What I've learned is that when I let people know in no uncertain terms, that's that. And they seem to accept it if I tell them with confidence. I mean, if someone with another disability said they couldn't do something it would be accepted. We deserve the same respect.

Of course, part of the problem was that I didn't know my "comfort zone" so I drew up a sort of map for myself. It was concentric circles. The center circle is what I am always comfy with. The next circle, I'm almost always comfy doing - but not on days where I feel prone to anxiety. The next circle I list things I might do if I'm feeling particularly brave. The next one would be things I wouldn't attempt without a ton of support AND on a very good day. Beyond that are the "you have GOT to be joking" things.

I also set expectations with people. If someone asks me to go into town, for example, I might say "That sounds really fun! I'd love to say yes, but I need to say maybe because if I'm feeling anxious I won't be able to go."

I also give people a percentage and they appreciate it. When a friend wants to do something with me I tell them - sounds great. There's a 90% chance I'll be able to make it.

They thought it was weird at first but now they really appreciate it.

I hope that things get better for you. I firmly believe that drawing boundaries and expecting respect can help.

Who else on the planet would even consider doing something that would make them physically ill for hours? No one would sign up for that! Be gentle with yourself.

Anxiety is no more your fault than if you had diabetes or if you were deaf. And you don't see diabetics agreeing to eat something that would make them sick just to accommodate others and no one demands for deaf people to "listen."

Take care and know you're not alone.