Anxiety Support Group
Anxiety is a physical condition marked by intense and persistent feelings of distress, fear, angst or dread. General anxiety caused by routine day-to-day stresses usually passes quickly and is experienced by almost everyone at one time or another. However, such feelings that linger over time and are very difficult to cope with, and which lack a clear cause, may indicate...
Background My wife was a personable, calm, socially adept considerate person with a healthy self-image. We decided to move, there were serious problems, and she could not decide whether to go through with a sale and we lost the house and she blamed herself. Thereafter she could not select another one, and we lived with a family member and in a rental house. Issues and problems,
1. Regular Jenny and Anxious Jenny My wife now juxtaposes the two personalities. She will seem calm and confident with people and quickly returns to her social skill, but when problems arise at home, anxious Jenny returns with a vengeance. She was stressed because she saw a strange car. At the same time, I located an appealing home, but anxious Jenny refuses to see it. Anxious J will complain she is uncomfortable in the rental home, where are her things, she does not want to be here, but when we spot a nice house, anxious Jenny is the first one to screw it up finding fault in something.
With this anxiety, she gets in her own world, and it's near impossible to get through without yelling. Jenny, do you understand anxious Jenny is f... up your whole life, she's happy when things go wrong, she wants you to stay unhappy and she'll make sure you don't get a new house. Why can't regular Jenny who handled things well for the first 28 years of marriage return. And you've gone to therapy and programs for now 4 months, why can't you start applying the relaxation techniques, meditation, direction, and other things, instead of just letting anxious Jenny control and screw up our lives.
I feel bad when I yell, I've probably yelled more this year than the last 28, but it seems impossible to get through to anxious or regular Jenny (hiding) without that. She gets mad when I refer to her as 2 people, but it seems clear she is, and my son likewise refers to her that way, sometimes saying I'll talk you regular but don't want to hear you in the anxious state.
Then she'll say she wants a hug or a kiss and come by me, but it feels funny, like the other side of her anxious state, not the regular person I married.
Any suggestions on dealing with it.
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I haven't written in my diary on my computer since May because I thought that my computer was dying. I got away from writing but my computer is hanging in there. I think that I will start writing in it again. It's so therapeutic.
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First, I hope everyone is doing well, and continuing to fight that good fight! Keep up the great work on yourselves; I'm rooting for all of you!So, I started doing therapy at the beginning of the year, when I was in my most depressed state, but with my therapist, I made big changes and steps in the right direction. But, over a month ago, she couldn't take my insurance anymore, and I had to stop...
a good example is not one way to influence others. it's the only way.
Beyond general approach, the challenge is in the specifics. Agreed I can only control myself, how do I approach these situations:
1, Wife doing nothing She is wandering around doing little. Do I provide a list of possible things to do, goals, etc.
2. Pose alternatives As a spouse, you naturally try to provide advice when alternatives seem clear. Do I say, your choice is to improve your life, create a list of things to do, exercise, call your friends, establish some structure, and see your life improve, or just mop around, let yourself and your life deteriorate, ignore your friends, become more depressed, and prevent me from working- it seems 2 has been your choice.
3. Food I take her for ice cream. Then at home she asks to go out again, try to ignore her, for 1, 3, 10 requests. Again, after being a wonderful and easygoing wife for 3 decades, we now have challenges that therapy and assessment have seemed unable to resolve.
My feeling is EVERYONE is affected when our partners are not well emotionally or mentally So to me, I think the person with anxiety goes through things a spouse can’t understand but conversely, it’s as import to acknowledge a spouse of a person in a poor mental state is going through a lot as well that perhaps isn’t understood. It’s taxing, draining and frustrating, and to me no less important.
I think being direct is being compassionate. You don’t have to be mean or crappy about but I certainly see nothing wrong with not over indulging her. So to me I wouldn’t do 1-3. She has a therapist, she is on medication, it’s up to her to do the work, apply her therapy tools, etc.
So what do you do? Be direct? My wife does far better seeing friends as she has done for the last 68 years. I suggested a concert is coming up and we could invite a friend. But I get a "let me think about it" BS indicating anxiety Jenny is handling this. Direct, direct means I say, cut out the crap anxiety Jenny, you know regular Jenny would enjoy herself and you're not going to let that happen, but AJ will give me crap about thinking about it for 6 hours and then not go. I had to cajole her for 6 hours to finally have a nice day with my son for my birthday, because anxiety Jenny was up to her usual stuff.
Regular Jenny complains we do not have a house, but when i suggest looking at homes, anxiety Jenny takes over and says not today. Directness means remining her that anxiety Jenny is ruining her life and doesn't care about her or me.
You wrote, she has a therapist, However, therapists and programs consistently say she soft-pedals issues and problems, making them hard to address. She speaks relatively little in group settings, and I sometimes have to tell them what's going on- she's so depressed she did not want to see her granddaughter.
Multiple medications have been tried. One study divided medication into 3 groups: yielding results something like this, nothing 2, placebo 5, medication 7. So while medication does better than placebo part of its benefit is the belief it will work, as studies with acupuncture showed. However, with Jenny, one therapist noted a reverse placebo effect. She and her sister believe these drugs are dangerous and quickly attribute various types of problems to the new drug. So even at low doses, the drug is alleged to cause problems, rather than provide benefit.
So sure, its extremely frustrating dealing with this, and since she has been unable to resolve it on her own, saying let her do it, seems to accomplish little.
What I mean by being direct is simply being honest and to the point, not tiptoeing around. With that said, being direct doesn’t automatically mean she is going to listen to you. Sometimes all you can do is offer a suggestion or make an observation and then that’s it. She can take it or leave it. You are constantly trying to compel her, which is exhausting I’m sure and unfortunately that tactic doesn’t work because it truly is up to her.
I hear how helpless it feels. It’s hard when you see what’s happening, the damage to herself, and to your relationship and to you. That’s why it’s so important right now, I think, for you to focus on you, your own well being. If she doesn’t want to do something after suggesting it, drop it and just do you. That is being direct too, expressing your desire, and then leaving it up to her. Otherwise it’s this cycle of trying to fix her and putting all your energy into that.. That will just leave you frustrated, resentful and empty.
If you aren’t seeing a therapist yourself you might consider it because it’s very easy to get entangled as a partner into trying to manage the other person. It might help you talk to someone to work through how to navigate this situation so that you can maintain healthy boundaries, a sense of self, etc.