I suffer greatly from GAD, paranoia and panic disorder, but am coping. I have my good days and my bad days. One of my biggest accomplishments this year was getting a job as an assistant teacher at a daycare, which is my dream job. I usually do very well in the daycare within the limits of my anxiety and all the staff like me, but I'm really intimidated by my boss, and as is characteristic of me, I always have fearful, repeated paranoid thoughts about losing a child in my classroom, harming a child or displeasing a parent in some way. To ease my anxiety, I am always taking a constant headcount of the children I'm in charge of, which you are supposed to do anyway, but I do very excessively to always make sure one hasn't wandered away from me. I am always very conscious/worried about how many kids I have in my care at once and where they are all throughout the classroom, constantly counting, recounting and checking numbers. Today, about a half hour before closing/my shift ending, I was working outside, watching eight children(aged 1-2) with another staff member when I took two boys inside to change their diapers upstairs. After changing them, (one's mom came while I was changing him), I returned downstairs with the remaining child. I lead him out the door back to the outdoor playground where we previously were. Immediately upon entering the playground I asked how many children we had, and I was told by both staff members that had been there that there was seven children (including the one boy I had brought back down). Us 3 staff members then went to take all seven children inside for a drink of water. As was usual for me, I was doing silent headcounts during the time we were moving inside and sitting at the table. I counted the children about three times, but only counted six each time. During parent-pick up time and when different groups of children combine, the number is constantly decreasing, so I took my count of six instead of seven with a grain of salt and dismissed my anxiety over it, telling myself I was being silly for thinking I "lost a kid" and that the other two staff members had just given me the wrong number, as there has never been an issue with a child actually missing. Well I was filling up cups of water for the kids when another staff member who had just started working here yesterday came in and said to the girl that was working with me "there's a little girl outside." My heart immediately stopped and I rushed over to the door to let in Carley, the 1 and 1/2 year old ittle girl that had been outside with us and the missing number seven. She had been outside alone on the fenced in playground for around 30-45 seconds by herself. When I opened the door for her, she seemed a tad frightened but was not crying. I quickly started apologizing and gave her a cup of water, she seemed to be totally fine. The director didn't notice, and the two other staff members I were with were okay with it after they saw Carley was okay and no one else noticed. Now however, it is almost 11 PM and I am in tears thinking about how I just left her behind. Even though it was technically the other two teachers faults because I had only been with the group for a few seconds before we went inside and Carley was left inside, I still feel immensely guilty. I have never once lost sight of a child and just feel like a total failure/terrible person. I can't believe we left her outside. We would have been back out to the playground to return in a few minutes and have found her, and the area was fenced in, but I know its NEVER okay to leave a child unattended. I used to think all my anxiety about leaving behind a child was silly- not anymore! Now moving forward I will be so much more anxious, worried and unhappy than before about losing a child from the group. I feel so bad for the little girl. Her mom picked her up a few minutes later and all was well, but I can't believe my mistake. I'm terrified I'll make another one like this but can't imagine me being any more careful. I feel guilty that I dismissed my thought that there should be another child with us when it was really true. Of all times for me to do that! I can't stop thinking about this. Does anyone have any comments to help me figure this out or feel better?