All this pain I'm dealing with starting with me throwing up two months ago. It has been one of my biggest fears to throw up for a long time. Then the dogs we were fostering had to leave. Then my gerbil passed away. Then my friend's mom passed away. Then my mom started hosting Summer camps 4 days a week every week. Then my best friend threatened to end our friendship unless I did something against my standards and religion. Then I had to go to Girl's Camp, by myself the first day, and ended up having a meltdown the second day and a sensory overload in front of everyone. Then I had to endure more little kids at our house. Plus some who are my friends. (It may sound good that they want to spend time with me but I need time alone!) Then we drove to Utah for a family reunion. My plan to see our doctor up there was canceled because he never got back to us. Then we had to leave the very next day which meant I didn't get the chance to enjoy my favorite state. Now I am absolutely terrifyed that my grandma will die soon because she was talking about what she wants for her funeral and that she's old and doesn't know how much longer she'll live. As soon as we got home I had another meltdown. I was rocking and my mom stopped me and then I just started to sob. Then more camps. Now my best friend isn't even texting me. I've been texting her but she won't answer. There's one more week of camps after this week. Last night I had another meltdown. I never understood how people cry themselves to sleep but now I do it about every other night. I'm craving someone to talk to in person who will listen to everything I say and give me time to talk. All I want to talk about is Autism but my parents get mad at me or roll their eyes whenever I do. A therapist will understand and listen to me but I don't think my parents want to spend that money on me. They did on my sister when all she was dealing with was anger. I'm dealing with stress, grief, Anxiety, depression, stress headaches, possibly an autistic burnout, and lonlieness. No one to talk to. I'm getting horrible thoughts. Suicidal thoughts. I've already made a decision a long time ago that I will never commit suicide, but these thoughts feel so real. They feel like I'm actually kicking over a table or grabbing a knife and throwing it. It's scary. I also feel judged by my friends and all the other kids at the camp because I don't go downstairs to help. I can't. If I go downstairs, I have to act happy, and mask up all of my pain. My Mom gets mad whenever I watch Studio C. Studio C is one of the only things that help me. She doesn't like Studio C and she doesn't hesitate to tell me that. I'm so tired. I need at least two weeks of down time but I can't get that until after the camps are over. Next week's camps are theater and my Mom wants the kids to act out my scripts I wrote and me to direct them. I can't. I really don't want to.

I really don't know what to do. I'm too quiet and introverted and mask everything up too well that people don't know how much I'm hurting inside. This was this one girl at Girl's Camp who said "My Mom says I have Anxiety." and one time said something rude to someone else and people got after her so she said "I have Anxiety, okay!" That really hurt me because she offended me by using Anxiety like that and used her "Anxiety" to get attention. Also, sometimes when I get really anxious, I smile. That doesn't help because people think I'm haiving fun when really I'm an anxious mess.

Life is really hard.