There's truly so much to this story, so frankly it's not possible to go over everything. Let's just say I'm having a difficult time with a friendship dynamic that has changed. Let me get to the main point of why I'm upset. First of all, I feel that I was finally over hurting about this other girl after years of reflection. Then this new girl comes along and captivates me. But I'll begin here. It was at a church activity where I met this girl, which is strange, because she was a former member of the LDS church which I'm a part of. This happened over a year ago btw. It was dark and cold out by this time, so it wasn't the most comfortable way to meet. It was a group of about 6 of us I'd say chatting at the end of the activity. I mentioned my Instagram and she decided to start following me on there. Here's a kind of significant detail, I'm a power wheelchair user, Duchenne Muscular Dystrophy. I'm 30 years old by the way.

Quite long story put short here. This may contribute significantly to my attachment. I have a medical cannabis card and had a little experience with it by this point. She said she smoked weed, so I guess that was a little connection. We'd known each other for a few weeks. She offered for me to try shrooms with her. I agreed, but let me state that she never forced me. We discussed it a little, like how big of a "trip" I wanted. So a little while later she came to my house in the morning. I failed to mention to her that I was taking an antidepressant, I didn't know it was a problem. Plus, a beautiful girl coming over to do this rebelious thing? I took an anti-depressant, that's a nono too... So, we go out on this "adventure", I can't drive, so she drives us to a nice park in the van. I trusted her too much and I was so excited, she shouldn't have offered me 3 bite sized shrooms, I didn't know how much was needed for an effect. But oh boy was it a mistake, she gave me some in the van so it took effect soon. 

Lets just say the "trip" was wonderful at the beginning, but at one point I got knocked out from it and became deadweight in my wheelchair. I scared her a lot, she was probably scared I was going to die. Scared of my parents finding out. Yeah, and that was the short explanation. So that caused some drama in the friendship. The experience was brought up a time or 2 after. 

We had nice times though, she came over a few times following, no shrooms involved. Driving an hour and a half to come see me. So surely she valued the friendship with that sacrifice of time. Things were quite comfortable most of the time, chatting on Instagram and Snapchat, sharing very appropriate things like adventures and vacations. Although, she's sure had some past traumas and sexual experience which may have caused significant challenges in her life. I'm a 30 year old virgin btw, only ever friends with her, thank goodness. She's usually been a bit closed off though, more so recently. 

Her life hasn't been too comfortable, her parents split up, certain forms of abuse. For years I think she was a party girl, and she's at the point where she has to get her act together and figure her life out. She said the main change in dynamics was due to getting a job, and she also decided to get back with her imprisoned boyfriend. I guess I talked too frequently, but she didn't quite make that clear. I thought things were pretty peachy. Due to many factors, she said her and her man saw red flags and she blocked me. Feeling in turmoil from that, my mother convinced her to unblock me. So currently I'm a little bit at ease I suppose, but not enough. 

After unblocking me, a while later she said she wasn't interested in a long distance friendship or being pen pals. I guess it's a bit clear why, she has her life to figure out, and a renewed romantic connection. I know I wasn't perfect, I did certain things I shouldn't have, but no physical boundaries crossed. No disrespectful images shared or anything. Maybe just slightly mature topics that I mistakenly thought were okay. But I decided to make a change, I have been keeping things highly appropriate with her, much more virtuous. 

I've had ups and downs in my mood lately, but some real lows honestly. She said she talks to her best friends' a few times a year which startled me. I'm confused wondering how much of this is because of me or her. I mean, partial blame can be put on me and her. I guess I'm mourning the loss of how great the friendship used to feel and wondering how tolerable it is for her to have me in her life at any capacity. I hold friendships so close to my heart, it may stem from the fact that I have only a sliver of hope for finding a romantic partner. I'm not forever blocked which is a bit comforting, it's comforting knowing I may see big life updates from her, like perhaps marriage or children.

I'm taking a month break from social media, I've gotten such a high from whenever she likes any of my content and a little discontent when she doesn't like something that I think is cool or awesome. 

So, I'm a fairly innocent church boy who fell hard for the rebel girl. Whenever a girl has truly noticed me, I have a hard time ever letting go. A friendship fading like this is something I'm not very accustomed to. I used to share songs with her, some of them she ended up loving. Even when we largely have a different taste in music, I was always chasing that rush. My mind races around nearly constantly. I still want to leave a door open and not burn bridges, on her side things are okay between us. I'm simply nervous and sad about how it is currently. What am I even asking? I just need to get feeling better about this.