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change resistance

arfie
arfie

in 2019, my life as a comfortable retiree was turned upside down by a long series of domestic drama which ended with full time care of my 3 young grandchildren. in september 2019, the traffic deaths of my son and wife added an especially tragic note to the chaos. then along came corona. . . zoom zoom. . . ya know ya know. . . the paranoia from being on the "wrong" side of the masked divide on top of the zoomed family court disputes have had me afraid to share too much of that drama online. if the son's in-laws don't get me, the maskites will.


somehow the domestic front has stabilized over the past two years. these days i call my grandkids, "foster kids" because the grandma stereotypes are wildly inaccurate while providing a harsh reminder of just how much we have lost.


hubby retired from his corporate gig a few weeks ago, simplifying the logistical equation considerably. it is now possible, time wise, for me to resume some of the personal ambitions i abandoned at the start of this long, strange trip. that part has not been going well. i find myself resistant to the change and ? ? ?


i'm not sure what i am reaching for here. just sharing? trying to find words for ^it^?

rmb
rmb
ISometimes when we get so used to operating and functioning under duress or just always reacting, like a reflex, that when things finally sort of level off and there is now the luxury of options, it can be unsettling. It is for me.

And maybe you are finding what were previously your ambitions just aren’t any more. Maybe this is just a time for re-evaluation of what’s next, or just waiting and seeing. Both are good options.
mtd
mtd
If nothing else, I’ve learned as I get older that things that I thought were important really aren’t. My number one realization was that I didn’t have to be superwoman and I was making myself sick trying to be. And I’m really ok with just being me now. Point being that as our lives change, so does our heart and mind.
arfie
arfie
my main ambition --the river research which was well underway back when i was a comfortable retiree-- is still not a viable option. rivers are in constant motion over long distances and i believe these children need stability.

of the sub-ambitions available without rocking that boat? ? ? i think i mostly don't want to risk rocking the boat.

yea, i think i mostly need to lose that crisis mode. 3 years isn't long in establishing a new family, but it's a long-assed time to be operating under duress.
malibumark
malibumark
It is indeed a big transition and I hope you will be flexible with yourself to allow the new version of your pursuit to take form with the sense that it’s unavoidably going to be different. If you have a hard time getting going, which is something recently that happened to me, what helped me was choosing one simple goal and told myself there would be other things I would find along the way. My sense of adventure opened right up! I hope you can give yourself a little structure and that it can kickstart your ambition for adventure!
rmb
rmb
Three years IS a long time to be operating under sustained duress! I totally get functioning under crisis mode. And once “normalcy” starts creeping back in, it’s sometimes a different kind of crisis, a holy shit who am I and what do I do now kind of crisis.

One glorious day at a time.
arfie
arfie
thanks guys. small steps, big faith and lots of prayer. . .

". . .once “normalcy” starts creeping back in,"

what's normal about starting a second parenting career at age 65? i missed the retirement planning seminar about getting kids through college on a fixed income. i'll settle for stabilizing at this juncture.
rmb
rmb
Yeah, maybe a new normal, hence the quotes. I'm starting to think "normal' is subjective and however one defines it, for the moment.
Candygurl
Candygurl
It took a while for you to dig into that life, and now that things have changed, it will take some time to climb out. Also, you have changed, and you'l need to redefine what you want to do. It will come.
arfie
arfie
the only normal i really believe in is, "normal-for-me."

my old normal-for-me got blown out of the water in 2019 with no hope that it can be reclaimed. is 3 years long enough to build a new normal-for-me?
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