Anxiety Support Group
Anxiety is a physical condition marked by intense and persistent feelings of distress, fear, angst or dread. General anxiety caused by routine day-to-day stresses usually passes quickly and is experienced by almost everyone at one time or another. However, such feelings that linger over time and are very difficult to cope with, and which lack a clear cause, may indicate...
Is there such a thing? If so, I think I am in the midst of an episode and looking for my way out.
Prologue: Please no writer advice. I am not, nor do I wish To Be A Writer. I only write and I LOVE my privacy, with a psychotheraputed eye on the fuzzy line between privacy and isolation. An early speech defect made it so that I could write well long before I could hold a conversation. I have been encouraged To Be A Writer for my entire life. My decision to pass on that option was openly considered and quite deliberate.
Therapy journaling has been the backbone of my 47 year recovery from child sex trafficking. Virtually ALL of the names, faces, theories and programs have changed several times over in that long, multi-lingual/cultural journey, but my journal found its format somewhere in the early 80's and it has been the most consistent and effective tool in my psychotherapy toolbox. Child sex trafficking is one hell of a kink in the psychic garden hose. I expect to need my psychotherapy toolbox until the Geezer Train drops me off at Saint Peter's Gate. Who knows. . . Saint Peter might even insist I bring that toolbox through the gate with me.
But psychic stagnation and/or new addictions is NOT the goal of psychotherapy. I have made many tweaks to my therapy journal format over those decades and found them to be helpful in jumping the ruts my recovery has fallen into over the long and winding Recovery Road. My most recent format has been the blog style in various places across the internet. Each blog I have abandonded has felt like a clean and honest healing of the pain and dysfunction. So I believe. . . Proof unavailable.
About 10 days ago I took the leap to move from the blog format to an undated contiguous off-line format. Crash, boom, bang. . . The hardest part being that it has been an intense 10 days with psycho snot knots gumming up the works like a reminder that it is never too late to have yet another psychotic break.
Again, I amnae certain what I am reaching for here or even if I am making a lick of sense.
Thoughts and/or reality checks appreciated.
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I did the dumbest thing today. I charged my earbuds, unplugged the block and put the block in my little bag instead of the earbuds. I wasn't happy about that when I got to the gym. What a dummy!
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Ever since I stopped doing therapy because of insurance, I've been feeling that old tense and irritable sense of anxiety and stress. I hate that. I was making so many strides and changes during therapy, my therapist would acknowledge all of my progress and accomplishments, and I miss that reassurance. Today I thought about it, and I made those changes! She would always tell me that I chose to...
But the coughing up process still hurts like a father fuck and keeps leaving slime trails all over my life. I shoot to take it like a cat coughing up fur balls. They don't look like they are enjoying the process, but they do it with admirable efficiency. Ya gotta do what ya gotta do.
Or am I lost in metaphor again? ? ?
I go quiet and barely breath, feeling like I am barely treading water. I can't choose a direction to turn and move towards because the anxiety feels like sludge, it's enough to just keep from sinking. The small steps won't come because of my inability to discern a safe direction. it may last hours or days, longer too, if I feel there is nothing I can do that will change anything.
What do I want? Is it safe to want?