You say it was a specific situation that happened 3 years ago. Tell us what it was (nobody knows where you live!) and see how it feels to get what happened out of your mind, and into our minds. We'll be in a position to say if you've done something wrong or not, and you'll be able to see for yourself the moment you send it out into the universe. :D

I just feel like when I've explained this to my friends they labeled my emotion in a way and put "my" feelings towards the situation that wasn't necessarily true...but I'll go ahead and hopefully you guys can understand what happened.


I've been dating my boyfriend for 5 years now. 3 years ago we had a little rough patch. Nothing too serious just a lot of mincommunication and misunderstandings. I had a friend who worked at the same building as me. We never hung out, never had lunches together or anything of the sort. We would just text every now and then. I told him from the beginning I had a BF and that I wasn't interested in that way. He respected that. He flirted with me once and I told him that I was flattered and he was sweet for making an effort but that me and my BF were still together and he can't text me those kinds of things. He apologized and admitted he crossed a line. We didn't talk for a while and we caught up again a few months later. Now, I thought maybe he got over the fact that I wasn't interested in that way..,and I asked him for advice about me and my BF. He seemed very mature and answered the questions pretty honestly. But as a few weeks pass by I remember one night as I was telling him what happened between me and boyfriend, He said something along the lines of I need someone better and indirectly said anyone including him would be better for me. I then said, "John, you're moving..." And being the space cadet that I am I didn't bother To explain myself. I meant it as though, he's moving, he can't expect to stay here and me leave my BF. Like he needs to move and figure out his life as I figure out mine. And then he said "woah, is that the only reason you don't want to try things out?" And I apologized and told him no that's not what I meant and I didn't want to make him feel that way. And I can't remember squat about what was said next. All I know is that I stopped talking to him. But I always felt like I was emotionally faithful to my BF. I never once felt like I betrayed him. In fact, I remember a year later I was in the car with my BF and I felt overwhelmed with joy that I have been so faitnful to him and was blessed to not have any guilt that others experience. And now, 3 years later. I'm terrified that I said something wrong. That maybe I forgot that I said something inappropriate to
John. What were my intentions? Did I emotionally cheat on my BF? Did I want to be with John? Why wohld this guilt come out of no where? You know? You don't just randomly feel guilty. And a friend of mine said I would feel guilty if I had something to feel guilty about. Which I feel is true. But I feel like I forgot who I was back then. I could tell you Many things but when it comes to that? I can't remember. What if I blocked it out to spare myself this guilt feeling? What if I made myself think I did the right thing and was always emotionally loyal to my boyfriend when I wasn't?

Oh sorry I forgot to add that after I told
Him I didn't feel that way I also said "I'm not ready to leave my boyfriend. I love him and even though we are going through some crazy times I still think there is much hope for us" and he proceeded to say something else
Which I can't remember for the life of me and I just told him that I didn't want to talk about this anymore and we never spoke again after that. I feel like I gave him the wrong impression. What if what I said wasn't enough to explain to him that I didn't want to leave my boyfriend for
Him? If I were to hear this from someone else I would've thought "well you should've straight up told him, look I don't like you like that leave me alone" but I didn't. And I don't remember feeling guilty like I liked
Him like that at all. I actually remember feeling thrown off and awkward and whenever I would see him at work I would smile
But I never tried talking to him again. Why can't I remember what I was feeling or what my intentions were?

In my opinion, it's something to learn from but drop any guilt about it. I would take it as a good idea to not talk to a man about your boyfriend, at least not one who might be interested in you. Talk only to a female friend so there's nothing to feel guilty about an no possible other relationship for your bf to discover.

Probably because they weren't relevant to you or memorable at the time. Which is a reasonable indication that you didn't mean any harm and were not being 'emotionally unfaithful.' If you were hitting on this guy I think you would have noticed.

I don't think you've done anything wrong or inappropriate. Guys are always hitting on us, we don't always know where that's going to start with - but when we do there's always a line with them that we ride, so that we ourselves can respect ourselves, while we know that they're aiming to get us somewhere, we make sure they can't make us go there.
We would live lonely hopeless lives in a nunnery if we were to attempt to avoid all the men who try to get into our pants. But he self-eliminated so it's not an issue.

What is this concept, emotional unfaithfulness? Did you fancy this guy? Even if you did, so what? Your mind is your own private space. Your actions are the only things anyone has any business looking at. And what is this idea that you'd do something bad without knowing? I suppose we all could do things in a sleep-walking state, but I do think it's moot. We can't know. we can't prove anything either way. We could have hit on this guy, or we could have climbed the empire state building. We could have robbed a bank. why specifically ask yourself if, without knowing, you hit on some guy you distinctly remember getting rid of? What's bringing this up?

How is the relationship with the BF though? Are things going okay? Are you going through a rough patch? Much stress? Change of jobs, marriage proposals?

Well that's what I feel most of the time. I feel like if I did anything wrong or against my morals I would've realized it then. When I'm relaxed and thinking rationally, I remember feeling extremely awkward and wanting to explain myself further because he had the wrong impression of me. But instead I decided to just end the conversation and friendship because I didn't feel there was any use in creating an embarrassing enviorment for him. And my relationship is fine with my BF. We have our ups and downs. But we're great other than that. I do know one thing, my BF has been cheated on many times. And he used to be very jealous and paranoid that I was cheating on him. (This never happens now. This stopped happening a while ago) but I think my biggest fear might be my BF thinking that I cheated on him when in reality, I didn't. Maybe that's what's happening here? I'm not sure. I just don't ever want to hurt my BF or make him feel like he isn't enough for me.

You're right in that you experienced an "emotional connection" that brought your conflicting view to the surface. You've learned a valuable lesson, and to put the situation into a chapter, turn the page, and move on, you have to find what it is that you want to answer your self for. Writing it out here is a huge step! Best wishes!

I think you can trust yourself to notice if you cheat on the boyfriend. :) I think you'll notice it happening. As to him thinking you did? He can think whatever he likes. You have no control over that - and therefore absolutely no responsibility for it.

I do know the feeling, and I think it's an anxiety trigger or was for me. I thought the world was in some way magical, or karmic. the ex boyfriend who used to harangue me about cheating was highly manipulative, and I spent a lot of time trying to figure out how to prove I wasn't cheating when he was saying every time I smiled at a shop clerk that I was harbouring plans of bonking them. I got quite confused about whether I was actually cheating or not.

Now I know it's just mechanical, physical and that that boyfriend was just a giant, bullying f'tard. He was for other reasons of course - your boyfriend is possibly more like my daughter's boyfriend, who got cheated on a fair bit but is not bullying and is in fact lovely. It's okay for a boyfriend to be nervous. It's not okay for them to hound you till 3am every night to make you 'confess'.

But I have to say: you trust your BF don't you? You aren't worrying that he's cheating? Because if not, then put him in your shoes, and put yourself in his. Things need to be fair in a relationship. You cannot prove innocence and the Westminster system of law that we all live under requires the burden of proof to be on the accuser, not the defendant. You don't HAVE to prove innocence.

Hello, welcome to DS. I've had anxiety issues for the last year and I completely understand how awful it can be. Mine literally came out of nowhere. I went to bed one night and woke up feeling sick to my stomach, not myself and guilty when I hadn't even done anything wrong. I had no idea what was happening to me. It is so scary. My suggestion to you would be medication if you're not already on it. I'm taking 20mg of Lexapro daily and I have no complaints. It definitely helps me cope with anxious feelings. I no longer let anxiety control my life. I would also suggest seeing a therapist. If mine was about a specific event like yours was I would have done the same thing. It sounds like you have some stuff to work through and deal with. Good luck to you!

No way do you need to feel guilty, I think that's amazing of you that you stayed so faithful to your boyfriend. Its actually very nice that you asked for advice when you were going through a rough patch too! I think that makes you a great person, and its okay to have doubts about things. Every single person does, and that makes you just as normal :)
Just let yourself be pleased with you, and that you are a good person. Stand in the mirror, and say that you are proud of yourself.
I want to say, that I don't think you should dive straight on to medication. I know that it can help a lot of people, but it's also not great health wise to automatically go on it. I have never taken that route, and instead have tried to work on myself slowly over the years building my confidence. By no means am I there yet, but its all a journey in which we have to experience. It sounds like you have a great thing going with your boyfriend, and I wish you both a future of happiness :)
You need to be confident and believe in yourself, and no one but you can do that.

You have all been so helpful I don't really know how to say thank you. You're all so encouraging and are helping me in more ways than you know...thank you for listening and taking the time out of your days to help someone. I'm slowly starting to rationalizs. It's almost like anxiety makes you think of things in a whole new way and magnifies the fear of "what if". I'm starting to realize what my mind is doing and I think I need to watch where my mind goes. You know? Again...thank you!