Nothing like getting married for wishing for the next 20 yrs that you'd never got married.

You're too focused on what the guy wants. What do you want?

I want to have someone with me who loves me and makes me happy. I don't want to be single forever. I feel like a failure for not having a boyfriend if many years or being engaged.
I want a husband and a family.

I'm seeing some holes in that picture. You can find a man if that is your priority, but he may or may not make you happy. It's not his role to make you happy any more than it's your obligation to make him happy - happiness never becomes anyone else's responsibility

It's his role to be part of a team with you. What kind of a team do you want? What do you bring to the equation? What have you got to offer, where have you looked to meet someone? And what do you expect of them?

How has it all gone wrong in the past? What can you change to make it work better in the future? :)

Interesting post. I think men and women need to focus on themselves and learning to like themselves and be content being single. Then if we find somebody we are really attracted to and the relationship works then it may work as a healthy marriage. However, I think a lot of marriages have not worked because people went into it thinking a certain person was going to make them happy. then when the other person didn't make them happy or meet their expectations, it ends up in a gut-wrenching divorce. if you were not attracted to someone, I would take that as a serious sign and don't try to make that relationship work.

@bridgie101
What kind of a team do you want? I would like a successful one where we can reply in each other when we are art our lowest.
What do you bring to the equation? So far I can only guess my love and devotion. What have you got to offer, where have you looked to meet someone? I have tried meeting guys online and in my day to day life. My day . Day life has produced nothing successful and has caused me more pain than joy. What do you expect of them? I just expect to find someone who will not waist my time for nothing. If they have no intention of marriage and a family then they are nonexistent on my radar.

As for the other 2 questions, I'd rather not say and do not know.

@minidogs2
I have never believed that one needs to be content being single. Whether or not I am content with myself does not change the big picture. (Rather it seems to invite trouble given past experience)
My contentment with myself has no correlation to finding and being happy with someone else's personality, habits, and aspirations. I thank you for the advice though.

You always win by learning to be more content with your unique personality. I don't mean that you need to try to be content staying single. Just trying to understand, what do you mean by "Inviting trouble from past experience"?

It seems that when I am the most content at were I am in my life, I always happen to either meet someone that turns my life upside down, or who manages to make life very difficult for me.

I agree with the others: Having a husband and kids may make you happy and it may make you unhappy, unhappier than you are right now. You don't just get married and "be done". You have to continue to work at the marriage relationship, through honest communication. You have to be as specific as words will allow and be visual, paint a picture with those words. Where woud you like to live with a husband and kids? How big a house? How many kids? How much money will your dream require? How will you directly or indirectly contribute to making or helping your husband make that money? Who will work? Who will stay at home and take care of the kids? If you and your husband both work, can you afford daycare? If you're the one who stays home and takes care of your husband and the kids, are you a good cook? Do you like sex? Do you like giving backrubs to help your husband relax after a stressful day at work? Are you down for changing crappy diapers, vomit, irrational temper tantrums and all the difficulties kids bring? Or are you the one who wants to work to bring in money while your husband stays home, cooks and takes care of the kids? How would that affect your masculine image of your husband?

I'm on the other side of that. I used to feel as you do about marriage. I got married and was absolutely miserable and more lonely than ever for decades. Now I've been divorced for 5 years and it's HEAVENLY. I've found, personally, that I much prefer the company of friends. I can count on them and I have such a wide variety of friends to do things with. I have those I call when I'm sad, when I want coffee, or want to bowl or see a movie. I found it very important to learn to enjoy my own company. And now I know that if I'd like to find a partner, I can. But it won't be a desperate thing where I'll settle. Because I so enjoy being on my own, I'll need to enjoy their company enough and be treated well enough by that person to choose them over my own company.

Be careful what you wish for. But by all means if you truly believe that being in a relationship, being married will make you happy.. go for it! :) However, it seems you care so much about what others think of you and everyone does, but dont feel bad if someone doesnt automatically "click" with you. Its a bit cliche but it takes time... Sometimes when we stop looking so hard for something, do our own thing, it will just show up. Anyways, hope you find happiness and dont worry about it being single. Enjoy it!

LadyT,

It sounds like your fear of not finding the "whole package" may simply be a fear of rejection or a failed attempt at a relationship.

When we put all of these requirements on a prospective partner, it makes it very easy to dismiss the person as "wrong for me." Therefore, you're not rejected and you didn't fail. Everything is fine, and your pride and confidence are still intact. There is no immediate harm to you.

I have a very close friend who has been going through this cycle for years. She'll meet a guy (or be introduced to one by friends who are just as desperate as she is to have her find someone once and for all), and she'll immediately go down this list or requirements in her mind, and she will always find one he doesn't meet, or make up a new one so that he doesn't meet her standards. She has, what I and her other friends lovingly call, the Prince Charming Complex. She is looking for the perfect man, free of any and all flaws. That man does not exist. But she knows that. As long as she continues to look for him, though, she'll never find someone who lives up to her standards, and she'll never have to risk being hurt or rejected.

I understand that there are certain things that are total deal-breakers in a serious relationship. Yes, if you want to get married, and he doesn't - what is the point of going any further? I agree. If you want kids and he doesn't, again, deal breaker. If he is so repulsive that looking at him makes you physically ill - no one here would blame you for not wanting to take part in that relationship.

However, you have to be willing to take the risk to actually get to know someone. Not everyone has their mind made up over whether or not they want to get married and have a family, because, like you, they don't feel they have met the right person. It's not a good idea to be so forthcoming with that question anyway. It can cause anxiety in the other person and push them away, because they feel that you are rushing them into something serious. It also tells the person that you are desperate. They will want to avoid that as well.

Just take things slow and enjoy a few dates without asking them their life's aspirations, how big of a wedding they want, and how many kids they want. If they have some quirks in their personality you don't like, they probably have a reason for being that way. Try getting to know them. Love can be found in the most unexpected places, if you give it a chance and learn to look past a big nose or two.

Best of luck!

@Nyxxion
I want to clarify something. I am not looking for perfect, rather I just want someone who is can be moderately happy with and sexually attracted too.

I do find it difficult to enjoy dates without knowing what the other person wants long term in a relationship. If they don't want kids or to get married, I don't see a point in even finishing the date.

I always expected to have someone by now, so when I was younger I never really bothered with guys because I knew none of them would he my husband. I assumed I'd find someone in college, but that never happened and the level of dates I get that do not start off as online chatting is devastating.
I guess I am just afraid if being alone forever and never actually experiencing what I have always wanted out of life. I admit I have a lot of fears when it comes to relationships, but I'm trying to work on them but by bit and one by one.

LadyT,

I do hope that you are able to work through your fears, whatever they may be. It's nice to hear that you're not setting unrealistic expectations when it comes to men! That definitely helps.

It might help to just go on some dates without wondering what the other person wants in the future, as hard as it may be. Again, sometimes people just don't know what they want until they start seeing someone and think, "wow, I might want more with this person." And, hey, if you find out later down the road that they don't want a long term relationship, marriage, or kids - no big deal. Hopefully, your time with them will have enriched your life and boosted your confidence around dating. I know you probably feel like the clock is ticking and you needed to settle down with someone like yesterday, but no one can control when that will actually happen. Just because you haven't found that person yet doesn't make you a failure or mean that you will be alone forever.

I also see absolutely nothing wrong with meeting people online. While there are a lot of people out there who warn against it, there seem to be plenty of successful marriages that began through an online encounter. Keep exploring all of your avenues to meet someone! It may not happen right away, but just realize that it's alright.

If you have issues working through your fears when it comes to relationships, and you feel like they are holding you back, we're all here to listen. Or, maybe some counseling might help you to rid yourself of the fears altogether.

I truly hope things start to get better for you!

@Nyxxion thank you, and everyone else for the advice. I will gladly come back to the community when I need too.