I am really sorry you're going through lots of pain. I do understand that depression can destroy a person's life. It makes it look mundane and meaningless. That's when one starts feeling hopeless and completely out of purpose. But the thing is , depression only works its way through your body if you allow it to. You shouldn't give up. You said it yourself , you have 4 wonderful girls that you love. Maybe if it'll work out for you if you get yourself distracted until September is there and you have your health insurance ( In that case you can see a psychiatric to work on your depression and anxiety with the right medication). Try doing different things and getting physically active so that your mind won't find room to start thinking in a destructive way. Until then keep taking your medication and hang on. Love <3

I'm so sorry you're going through all of this. Separation and divorce is just excrutiating. I tell everyone this so pardon me if it's a repeat. There is a gene mutation they can test you for and if you have it, it may be the cause of the depression and anxiety (it's also related to heart stuff too). It's called the MTHFR gene mutation. I had it and I started on a special vitamin (methyl folate) and have not had one panic attack since. It's also helped with my depression. And my heart is healthier too! Even if the vitamin doesn't fix everything, it helps medicine work better and folate is critical to good health. I've seen improvement in everything health-wise since I started on it. And I've never in my life had this kind of energy yet I sleep great at night.
There are a lot of articles out there but this one gives a decent overview. Some doctors will poo poo this and say it's a new agey thing, but it's real science. The Mayo Clinic has been working with it for years and knowlegeable OB/gyn's know about it. Women who have this mutation are far more likely to miscarry. If you do get the MTHFR gene mutation test (it shouldn't be over $200), you may ask them to test your folate level at the same time so you know the correct dosage of folate to take. If your dr won't do it, you might look at 23andme. They can't do the folate level, but they do include the MTHFR profile in the saliva test they do.
https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-integrationist/201409/genetic-mutation-can-affect-mental-physical-health

Sounds to me like you have to accept the past, accept the bad things. I would suggest you find someone, a priest? A counsellor? And confess. Tell them your life's story. Offloading is incredible for re-verifying truth, and for coming back inside yourself when you've lived huge lies for decades. Heh. I speak from personal experience. As the victim of incest I spent many years living an entirely double life, where how I looked on the outside had absolutely nothing to do with how I might be feeling, and I completely compartmentalised my innards. Basically I lived a lie. Compartmentalising the truth away from my daily life was not good for me. I had other things that weren't good for me but this is one thing I really do remember: being able to tell someone the actual truth is one thing that led to my healing, which is not yet complete I have to admit; but hey it's 1000 times better than it was.

do you have anyone you can talk to? Maybe you can journal on here? I found even journalling that the stepfather had interfered with me, and having the entire world fail to come crashing down, was just an incredible feeling. It unlocked so much. I was left thinking - why was I HIDING THE TRUTH? Of all people, why was I hiding it? What had I done wrong? LOL. My mother had spent 20 yrs angry with me and having huge rants at me because I had wrecked her marriage and caused her to come away with nothing... and I believed because I was young enough when she started in on me to just consider it part of reality.

Took a lot of counselling to realise it wasn't my fault and how messed up she was. You just don't know what strange hangups you have been carrying till you take off that cloak and step out into the sunlight and then get the shock of your life as you discover how stuffed around you have been by the people you trusted, how lied to and used, and how much of their shit stuck to you over the years. And here you were keeing your dirty secret because you felt so utterly utterly unforgiveably bad about what you'd done to THEM. hmm.

I'm still banging into brainwashing that I have soaked up, and failed to realise was brainwashing, now. And I'm 46. Just get on the road and make a start: you just don't know where you'll end up, but truth is good, and finding it makes things better.

JMHO obviously. :)

Thank you all for your replies. I do actually have an appointment next week to see our old counselor that actually worked with both of us whe. We went as a couple. She knows our background, I don't have to start most of this craziness all over again as far as family issues, plus I feel comfy with her. I know it's not all my fault I'm not that hard on myself we both haven't been saints, but this last time is 92% me. I've been over and over and over it in my head running it over and over to the point I have horrible HORRIBLE dreams even up to last night about the pain I've caused him. I'm trying to look on the bright side I have 4 beautiful girls, I have an AMAZING job and no matter what I know in my heart that it belongs to him, what he does with that is up to him. That being said he doesn't have control to hurt it anymore.