So I've been on this board in the past, going back and forth every month about trying to get myself away from my abusive boyfriend of three years. And here I am, still in it, excepting whatever he will give me. I'm living on my own again about a half an hour away from him so i've seen a lot less of him and am struggling with my feelings of being alone forever. Who's going to want me now that i'm broken and still degrading myself by being attached to someone who doesn't really care about me.I see myself old and alone and with no one else to blame but myself. I've lost myself andfaiththat things will work out, ever. I've just been thinking lately... I was raised catholic, went to catholicschool, was taught the values and beliefs of christianity. I experiences more judgmental and cruelty and importance of materialism and money and status in the church than we did outside of it. As I got older, I tried going back to church in order to understand why so many people found strength in the Lord. I never felt anything. This then made me feel more isolated, and in a way still does. I want to have this magic source of unconditional love and strength... Why can't I receive it. I feel like I've always lived my life trying to be a good person, forgiving those who didn't really deserve to be forgiven, overcoming obstacles I didn't cause at a young age experiencing hardship and PTSD amongst addiction issues... I'm just wondering, why do some people find their answer strengthhopeandfaithin God, but even though i've been open, I just don't feel that. Have I not hit my ultimate low yet, I mean I've been suicidal at times and no one was there. The only thing that got me through was myself. I believe in science but I believe that has to be some higher power, whatever it may be. Am I hopeless or just confused...