Anger Management Support Group
Anger management commonly refers to therapeutic techniques by which someone with excessive or uncontrollable anger can control or reduce their emotions. Typical examples include the use of deep breathing and meditation as a means to relaxation. Psychologists recommend a balanced approach, which both controls the emotion and allows it to express itself in a healthy way.
OH, SORRY, THERE'S GOING TO BE CURSE WORDS... AND ANGER (oooh, Scary!) ... SO IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT, DON'T READ IT. TOO TOUGHEN BAD!
I AM FILLED WITH RAGE. MY CHEST HURTS. I HAVE BEEN SHUT OUT OF THIS FAMILY. I HAVE NO POWER. I AM DISMISSED FROM EVEN CHECKING THE PILLBOX AS I HAVE BEEN ACCUSED OF TAMPERING WITH IT -- AFTER I KEEP FINDING DISPENSING ERRORS DONE BY THE INCOMPETENT NURSING STAFF. THE HIRED MEDICAL ADVOCATE WAS VERY CLEAR THAT NO ONE IS GOING TO ACCEPT THE BLAME, AND THERE'S NO OTHER EXPLANATION FOR WHY THE BOXES ARE NOT ACCURATE. SHE REFUSED TO SAY THAT I AM DOING IT, BUT SHE WOULD NOT SAY I WASN'T, EITHER. BITCH. FUCKING BITCH.
I WOULD FIRE HER IF I COULD, BUT THE MEAN SISTERS ARE IN CHARGE. LEGAL POA AND ALL THAT. I'M TOLD TO SHUT UP, SIT IN THE CORNER.
MOM WAS BROUGHT HOME TODAY FROM THE HOSPITAL BY THE MEDICAL ADVOCATE'S ASSISTANT (I'M NOT ALLOWED TO BRING MOM HOME, YOU SEE) AND THE DID THE SHOPPING FOR HER. THAT'S BILLABLE HOURS THAT THIS FAMILY WHINES IT CAN'T AFFORD. I WAS TEXTED TO STAY OUT OF IT.
I GET EMAILS OR TEXTS FROM THE SISTERS. NO ONE TALKS TO ME. I AM ORDERED TO LET OTHERS HANDLE IT. I AM TOLD I AM "INTERFERING." LIKE A PEST.
MY MOTHER IS DYING. AND I AM NOT ALLOWED TO HELP. I AM NOT ALLOWED TO SEE THAT THE MEDS SHE GETS ARE THE RIGHT ONES. SO WHEN SHE HAS A HORRIBLY PSYCHOTIC WEEKEND DUE TO A MEDICATION SCREW UP, I HAVE TO WATCH HER DETERIORATE BECAUSE I'M NOT ALLOWED TO EVEN LOOK AT --NEVER MIND, TOUCH -- THE PILLBOX TO SEE IF SOMEONE DID SOMETHING TO CAUSE THAT.
OH NO. I AM THE LOSER DAUGHTER. I AM THE FUCK UP. I AM THE ONE WITHOUT A JOB, WITHOUT A HUSBAND, WITHOUT CHILDREN, I AM THE NOBODY. I AM THE BIG NOTHING. AND AS SUCH, I AM NOT TRUSTED WITH ANY RESPONSIBILITY, NOT TRUSTED TO BE HELPFUL WITHOUT IT BEING LABELLED AS "ENMESHED" OR "ENABLING." WTF!
SUCH DAMAGING TOXIC POP PSYCHOLOGY. THE BULLSHIT PEOPLE DO TO EACH OTHER. SERIOUSLY? OH, SORRY, I DIDN'T REALIZE THAT CARING WAS A FRIGGIN' CHARACTER DEFECT! I DIDN'T KNOW THAT HAVING A HEART WAS A SHORTCOMING!
OOOHH>>>> NOW SHE'S ANGRY. NO ONE TALK TO HER. SHE HAS RAGE ISSUES!
YA THINK?!
THEY MUST BE REALLY GETTING OFF ON THEIR POWER TRIPS. GLOATING IN LORDING IT OVER ME. THEY HAVE NO IDEA WHAT'S LIKE TO BE ON THE RECEIVING END. BITCHES.
I LISTENED TO A CODA MEETING ON THE PHONE AND PARTICIPATED. BUT NO ONE OFFERS ADVICE. I SAID I DON'T KNOW HOW TO FIND RECOVERY OR A SOLUTION TO THIS PROBLEM. CLEARLY I AM THE PROBLEM. I DON'T HAVE LITERATURE, DON'T KNOW WHERE TO LOOK FOR IT. IT'S LIKE SPEAKING TO A SILENT TUNNEL THAT ECHOES BACK "THANK YOU" AT THE END OF MY 3 MINUTE SHARE. STUPIDEST THING I'VE DONE IN A LONG TIME. WHAT A WASTE OF BREATH. IT DIDN'T HELP ME WITH ANYTHING. I MIGHT AS WELL SHOUT IN MY OWN ROOM.
READY TO GO GET A PACK OF SMOKES. GET A BOTTLE OF LIQUOR. A BIG OLE FREAKIN' CHOCOLATE CAKE AND A BIG-ASSED STEAK AND POTATOE SMOTHERED IN BUTTER. AND DRIVE OFF THE CLIFF AT THE END.
REALLY, WHAT DOES IT MATTER TO YOU? IT DOESN'T MATTER TO ANYONE. I'M JUST A BIG FRIGGIN' WASTE OF SPACE.
AND THIS IS WHAT I DO WITH MY ANGER. TURN IT INWARD. BECAUSE EXPRESSING IT DOESN'T GET THE JOB DONE, APPARENTLY. IT ONLY ALIENATES ME FURTHER.
SO, I WILL A GOOD GIRL, NICE & DEPRESSED FOR YA TOMORROW.
I AM FILLED WITH RAGE. MY CHEST HURTS. I HAVE BEEN SHUT OUT OF THIS FAMILY. I HAVE NO POWER. I AM DISMISSED FROM EVEN CHECKING THE PILLBOX AS I HAVE BEEN ACCUSED OF TAMPERING WITH IT -- AFTER I KEEP FINDING DISPENSING ERRORS DONE BY THE INCOMPETENT NURSING STAFF. THE HIRED MEDICAL ADVOCATE WAS VERY CLEAR THAT NO ONE IS GOING TO ACCEPT THE BLAME, AND THERE'S NO OTHER EXPLANATION FOR WHY THE BOXES ARE NOT ACCURATE. SHE REFUSED TO SAY THAT I AM DOING IT, BUT SHE WOULD NOT SAY I WASN'T, EITHER. BITCH. FUCKING BITCH.
I WOULD FIRE HER IF I COULD, BUT THE MEAN SISTERS ARE IN CHARGE. LEGAL POA AND ALL THAT. I'M TOLD TO SHUT UP, SIT IN THE CORNER.
MOM WAS BROUGHT HOME TODAY FROM THE HOSPITAL BY THE MEDICAL ADVOCATE'S ASSISTANT (I'M NOT ALLOWED TO BRING MOM HOME, YOU SEE) AND THE DID THE SHOPPING FOR HER. THAT'S BILLABLE HOURS THAT THIS FAMILY WHINES IT CAN'T AFFORD. I WAS TEXTED TO STAY OUT OF IT.
I GET EMAILS OR TEXTS FROM THE SISTERS. NO ONE TALKS TO ME. I AM ORDERED TO LET OTHERS HANDLE IT. I AM TOLD I AM "INTERFERING." LIKE A PEST.
MY MOTHER IS DYING. AND I AM NOT ALLOWED TO HELP. I AM NOT ALLOWED TO SEE THAT THE MEDS SHE GETS ARE THE RIGHT ONES. SO WHEN SHE HAS A HORRIBLY PSYCHOTIC WEEKEND DUE TO A MEDICATION SCREW UP, I HAVE TO WATCH HER DETERIORATE BECAUSE I'M NOT ALLOWED TO EVEN LOOK AT --NEVER MIND, TOUCH -- THE PILLBOX TO SEE IF SOMEONE DID SOMETHING TO CAUSE THAT.
OH NO. I AM THE LOSER DAUGHTER. I AM THE FUCK UP. I AM THE ONE WITHOUT A JOB, WITHOUT A HUSBAND, WITHOUT CHILDREN, I AM THE NOBODY. I AM THE BIG NOTHING. AND AS SUCH, I AM NOT TRUSTED WITH ANY RESPONSIBILITY, NOT TRUSTED TO BE HELPFUL WITHOUT IT BEING LABELLED AS "ENMESHED" OR "ENABLING." WTF!
SUCH DAMAGING TOXIC POP PSYCHOLOGY. THE BULLSHIT PEOPLE DO TO EACH OTHER. SERIOUSLY? OH, SORRY, I DIDN'T REALIZE THAT CARING WAS A FRIGGIN' CHARACTER DEFECT! I DIDN'T KNOW THAT HAVING A HEART WAS A SHORTCOMING!
OOOHH>>>> NOW SHE'S ANGRY. NO ONE TALK TO HER. SHE HAS RAGE ISSUES!
YA THINK?!
THEY MUST BE REALLY GETTING OFF ON THEIR POWER TRIPS. GLOATING IN LORDING IT OVER ME. THEY HAVE NO IDEA WHAT'S LIKE TO BE ON THE RECEIVING END. BITCHES.
I LISTENED TO A CODA MEETING ON THE PHONE AND PARTICIPATED. BUT NO ONE OFFERS ADVICE. I SAID I DON'T KNOW HOW TO FIND RECOVERY OR A SOLUTION TO THIS PROBLEM. CLEARLY I AM THE PROBLEM. I DON'T HAVE LITERATURE, DON'T KNOW WHERE TO LOOK FOR IT. IT'S LIKE SPEAKING TO A SILENT TUNNEL THAT ECHOES BACK "THANK YOU" AT THE END OF MY 3 MINUTE SHARE. STUPIDEST THING I'VE DONE IN A LONG TIME. WHAT A WASTE OF BREATH. IT DIDN'T HELP ME WITH ANYTHING. I MIGHT AS WELL SHOUT IN MY OWN ROOM.
READY TO GO GET A PACK OF SMOKES. GET A BOTTLE OF LIQUOR. A BIG OLE FREAKIN' CHOCOLATE CAKE AND A BIG-ASSED STEAK AND POTATOE SMOTHERED IN BUTTER. AND DRIVE OFF THE CLIFF AT THE END.
REALLY, WHAT DOES IT MATTER TO YOU? IT DOESN'T MATTER TO ANYONE. I'M JUST A BIG FRIGGIN' WASTE OF SPACE.
AND THIS IS WHAT I DO WITH MY ANGER. TURN IT INWARD. BECAUSE EXPRESSING IT DOESN'T GET THE JOB DONE, APPARENTLY. IT ONLY ALIENATES ME FURTHER.
SO, I WILL A GOOD GIRL, NICE & DEPRESSED FOR YA TOMORROW.
The good news is I'm starting to cool off, but I had to Vent, vent, Vent many more times to work this out of my system. I don't feel like this is the "healthy" way to "feel." But these are my feelings, so I gotta express them somehow.
I learned how to "journal" by just writing "Stream of Consciousness" writing -- 3 pages -- every day. Don't judge it, don't censor it, but writewritewritewrite whatever comes up! (it's an exercise from Julia Cameron's book "The Artist's Way" -- but by no means "her" exercise ... but that book does offer useful tools)
Anyway, it is quite possible for you to write it out. Have you tried it?
Some people need to paint it out, ala Pollock or something abstract.
Walking is one of my ways to work off the excess energy, but it's never enough. I wish I had a gym or do some serious work out to work off the steam.
It doesn't change the situation, but perhaps it helps me to get to a saner place where I can try to look at it objectively. It still hurts like hell that I'm being ostracized by this family, disempowered.
But I didn't self-destruct. I didn't smoke over it. And that's a big thing for me as I haven't smoked in 2 years. I wanna keep it that way.
Wish I knew how to handle the reactivity when I experience it, because it's very potent and very real. To me, it speaks of unmet needs... and there's not a damn thing I can do about it. Except ACCEPT IT.
I notice the wow tat's wild posting, smiling. I've been telling myself this phrase since I was a child (deeply love), when I was going though it all.. thinking God must deeply love me because he still have me here and bring me thou all the crap (even today).
While to answer your question about me trying to write no I haven't, but I do plan on trying. I tried the walking but that don't work for me because I will end up with bruises on myself and community away from home, before I come to; and not know what happen. Then watch the news to make sure I didn't do something that hurt anyone. Most of the time had to call the person that I was raging with to pick me up, ugh.
I'm glad you didn't start smoking and congratulation on your two year without, keep up the good work. You mention painting it out. I remember I would go to ceramic class when I would rage out in high school and the ceramic teacher would let me in anytime, and never said anything to me about being in his class. I use to think it was to just get me out of the way of harm, but anyway, boy did I enjoy that. I didn't remember how I would spend hours in that class, until I read your post about painting.
So I need to get me a ceramics pot and plenty clay. Thanks
I have been in situations where my brothers (one in particular) thought he knew better than me, criticized me and put me down. He criticized my morals. It's not pleasant, because 40 yrs. ago, he was the same brother who used to physically punish me, hit me b/c he didn't think I was working hard enough on our family farm.
Keep trying, keep venting when you need to. Hopefully we can share experiences or advice to help you.
I agree with LeftWing, this is the place to let loose.
I think I would be furious too, and I have to say, your anger to me, even though it is escalating, it is telling you that something is wrong. And it is something very serious.
Are you seeing a therapist? If you are, I would suggest that you make a list of your concerns. POA does not mean that you cannot question if things are not appropriate. It sounds to me like you have valid concerns - such as about the meds.
In your situation, even though there are also family dynamics, etc. which it sounds like your sisters are trying to use to invalidate your honest concerns, I would talk to a medical professional about your concerns and your options regarding your mother.
Regarding Coda, I think almost every intro for any 12-step meeting I have ever attended has specified no cross-talk and no offering advice in the 12-step meetings. The sharing is just to verbalize and people commiserate, but I was always told that advice-giving was not part of program. In fact, that is what I like about D.S. Instead of trying to figure everything out on our own, other people can offer advice here, and we can take it or leave it.
The Coda online site has an area to order literature, if there are no face-to-face meetings in your area.
http://www.coda.org/core/index.php
You are among friends here, and I am very sorry for this really difficult time you are facing.
Hugs,
Shar
Ps we R not allowed to use CAPS here...it is considered yelling.
and it is much harder reading
Thx so much