Hello,

I am wondering if this group is the right fit for me.  My main problems are depression and anxiety and my mood issues manifest themselves mostly in the form of panic and crying. I'm not sure if this relates to anger, but it seems to be a component.

I used to have a life coach who on each and every visit would tell me I had anger issues. No matter what the scenario or what I felt, sad, etc. he would condemn me for "having an anger problem."  He was part of a support group whose tag line was "anger is always wrong."  I do not believe or agree with this.  The primary reason my lethally abusive relationship ended (abuse toward me, not by me,) was because one day I completely exploded. While unpleasant, it was the single thing that ended the years and years of being hit, pushed, grabbed, thrown, etc.  My therapist said what I did was a boundary.  The day I blew up was THE last day of the abuse. Prior to that, I was literallly unable to get angry, and would just break down crying.  The irony is that the old life coach I saw, I thought was really hypocritical because one day I saw him cursing and screaming with a bright red face, in his car while I was going through the drive through at lunch.  He has no idea I saw him.  I don't go to his sessions anymore.

Sometimes, I feel there is a kernel of truth to what he says, maybe not the extent to what he is talking about, but I've been extremely panicked lately-since I've gone back to work in a building completely covered in virus and I cry on a near daily basis. At times I feel anger and resentment too, but this is the smaller part. The main part is panic and fear.  My therapist helps me with this.  The reason I decided to post here when this group came up in the search was because on the drive to get my booster shot for Covid (I've had a lot of fear about this too), I was very anxious. 

On the drive to get my booster today, there was a man behind me on the freeway, for what reason I don't know, was making aggressive gestures at me on the highway.  I'm not sure why.  I reacted and started to fume because I don't know if he was trying to force me to go faster or what, but when I get really scared or nervous, sometimes I will get angry alongisde that, like a secondary thing. I get scared of aggressive people on the highway.  I started to feel anxious and some anger, and under my breath, I started to say, "F-Y**" as I went to accelerate and change lanes to get away from him.  My reaction, though small, caused me to speed up and turn sharply left. Good thing I checked my blindspot as I forgot to signal, because I just about crashed into a motorcyclist.  I immediately swerved back into my lane.

The moment on the highway was a wakeup call to me.  "Oh my lord," I thought, "I could have crashed into that man!"  I realized that, yes, there was someone behind me angry at me-but-it was my reaction to it that set the chain of events in motion. Had I not checked my blindspot,  my overly-emtional reaction could blind me to my driving, and I could have accidentally hit the motorcyclist to my left.  I was absolutely mortified.  It's never a good idea to drive when emotional.

I had to think.  How much does anger play a role in my life, and am I underestimating its power?

I know earlier this week I had trouble in the classroom with some very difficult students who were having anger issues-but that's expected because the kids come with issues. The bigger question is whether their anger is triggering and setting off my own latent anger, something I didn't notice.  I say this because the social worker came in and just told me he was giving me a break. I thought, "Hmm, that's never happened before...is he doing this because he is giving ME the time out or is it because the kids are acting up?  Kids frequently do and this is a part of life; they try to get you to react, like some adults do.  Most times I don't, but on occasion I do when they are really working hard: insulting, disrespect, etc.  Still, it's beside the point, I'm the adult, so most of this needs to roll of off me-that's a challenge.

I frequently complain about and avoid friends of mine who I perceive to have a temper (and they admit they do).  But I have to ask myself, "Why does this bother me so much?"  It's never pleasant to be around someone like this, but maybe it also triggers something latent within me. After all, "Birds of a feather flock together. "  (Mostly).  Am I attracting angry people because we to an extent feed off each other?  Or, am I the compliant victim?  Probably a bit of both. Something to think about.