Hello, I'm Vander, and I am an eighteen year old man with concerning anger issues. I'm always angry, it's not at all helped by the mental and emotional abuse I've suffered from my mother my entire life, nor the sexual abuse suffered from my little sister's biological father. I have a natural, brute strength that I can't always control, this makes people who know me fearful when I lash out because of the risks my physical aggressive tendencies pose to them. When I was younger and my sister was only a few years old, her father was regularly sexually abusing me and my mother was making me feel unwanted and useless, I loved my sister, I still do, but at that time if she so much as sneezed I would feel unbearably hateful- I was only nine at the time of my first physical outburst, when I covered her mouth hard to shut her up. That became a reoccuring thing, something I still regret. But, of course, it didn't stop there. As time went on I got harsher and more aggressive, I wouldn't attack my mother out of fear of her wrath, I wouldn't attack my sister's father out of fear of his wrath, and at the time I was too scared to take it out on myself... so, I took out my bottled up emotions on my sister, shutting her up by covering her mouth, pushing her around, hitting her, once I almost smothered her to death. I was... bad, very very bad. And sometime later, when I was twelve or thirteen, my mother and I got into one of our usual screaming matches, her and I pushing each others buttons, her trying with all her hateful might trying to break me down- And then suddenly she hits me. I don't even process the situation before I hit back, prompting her to do the same, leading to a cycle that ends in me beating at her head. I.. I've gotten better at not physically harming anyone, but the way I do so and how I cope with my situation are very obviously unhealthy. I supress emotions, hide from my problems, and lock myself away. Yesterday I almost attacked my mother, we were fighting and she pushed me so far that her current fiance had to step between us and force me away. It was the first time in three years that I had even attempted to lay a hand on anyone, and it scared me. How do I handle all of my repressed rage in a healthy way without risking it boiling over and me hurting somebody?
...Darkness doesn't only occur at night...
I was just recently diagnosed as having AvPD; after watching this video (link below), I can directly relate to some of the scenes especially the baby/toddler..http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3cJw0kea2Ms&feature=related