To ninetyone,
I'll check that book out. When I get the compulsion to say something without thinking it through is one of the things that I am doing wrong. It's a fix if you do it all the time, but I am working on that. I'm doing better though. My GF says so too.Thanks for the advice.

In my opinion, you envy her joy of life. You don't have any and by continually raining on her parade you hope to turn her into you.


If she is strong and smart she will realize that nothing you do or say is any reflection on who SHE is.

She is the one who should read the "Four Agreements"

You realize you have a problem and that's a good thing. There is another great book titled " Nasty People" by Jay Carter, it's all about invalidation.
You're not an inherently evil person. you learned to be this way.

Shasta Sue,
Thanks for the thoughts .My therapist (woman...my choice...I didn't want it to be a boy's club) says my situation is as complicated as two people can get, not simply good vs. evil. She (therapist) will help as much as possible, but ultimately its up to me. Sorta knew that, but she came up with things I never thought of which helped. Long and winding road. Thanks again.

Its funny I read your write up today and felt like i was reading about my relationship.
My husband acts alot like you, he had a very abusive childhood, and because of that i overlooked alot of the things that he said and did to me. Which I now know I never should of done.
We are still together, he has been through counciling and has changed alot for the better.
but the sad thing is so have I, and its not for the better.
I use to be a really soft person who loved going out and doing fun things, coming up with ways to surprise him with presents or just fun things to do.
Now I spend most days at home doing nothing, Just like liza who commented earlier I use to care what I made for dinner, but because of all the past complaining its pretty much instant meals. Why bother? I'm actually really angry with him.
So the next time you want to be a jerk to your girlfriend while she's being nice to you, you might want to realize that someday she is going to get sick of it. Whether she leaves you or stays.
If you don't change not only are you ruining your life but you are ruining hers.
And honestly I would say you are taking advantage of her because you can. She sounds like a nice person, you need to stop being a bully. Take your counseling seriously, it will change your life.

Thank you for your comments and help and I wish you the best! I am taking counseling seriously and never forget to take my med (lamotrogine). I have improving since I first posted with no setbacks. I wiill definitely not sit on my laurels and will not be emotionally lazy.

LoveAlice you are dead on!. His GF absolutely has low self-esteem. No backbone whatsoever. She allows this behavior. I understand that she loves him, but you have to love yourself more.

I'm really happy that you realize you have an issue, but this is coming from somewhere. Dig deep. Honestly why are you so mean? You know why you do this. Come clean. Why?

MsFrustrated
We all are coming here for help, and that's what I have been getting for the most part by people who don't make absolute statements without all or even most of the facts. I appreciate the posts that have opened my eyes and been helpful. But MsFrustrated, your criticism of my GF is out of line in this helpful forum. when you make statements about backbones and self esteem about someone you do not know in black and white terms, you show your ignorance and absence of compassion.

FYI my GF has more personal strength and moral resolve than most people on the planet. She has SURVIVED incest and rape by her FOO. She has survived an actual murder attempt by her parents, and character assassination from peripheral family that she loved. She has been shunned by her family for sticking to her principles and bravely disclosing the truth despite the backlash from so many evil people. Throw in a voice disability that stole much of her ability to verbally communicate, being an outcast because she couldn't talk, and couple of rapes from prior "boyfriends". She has lived her entire life piecing her life together from living alone in the slums to survive, and trying to find reasons for this abuse by people who are/were just plain evil. That became a full time job that has impacted her existence. She has acute PTSD that affects her to this day. She still finds time to do some volunteer work to help others!

Consistent therapy and meds only help a little. Her resolve and most of the time her help from me helps too. It's her strength that allowed her to still be able to love, and she has CHOSEN to work with me on my problem, not ALLOWING my behavior. She could walk out any time she wants because she can take care of herself better than people that haven't walked through the fire. You are in no position to say that this courageous woman has no backbone whatsoever.

I am very lucky she is so strong and compassionate, to say the least. This is why my actions toward her are destructive. Why I do it? I hope that is rhetoric. The important part is I am beginning to learn the deep reasons for it and I am working on it. I'm getting helpful input from people here who have a lot of insight too. I'm making progress and I hope other people with my problem will read this and find help too.