It's hard to give you any suggestions with all the stipulations you have on what you want us to say. All I WILL say in that case, is that I think you need to find out why you act in such a horrid manner to a wonderful human being, other than the fact that she puts up with it which I don't understand. If you can handle constructive criticism then here it is. The second time you treated me in such a manner, I would have had your butt out in the cold. The first time I would have chalked it up to a bad day, but time and time again? No way. Since we aren't going to blame your childhood, stress, or anything along those lines, then what else is left except someone that has a serious mean streak who gets some kind of enjoyment out of hurting someone like that. I'm glad you are serious about asking for help and taking this seriously. Obviously you have chosen not to acknowledge what is going on within you because you don't want to blame it on anything or any one. People don't just grow up planning to hurt people as you are doing. I think you need to dig deep and find what is going on. If you are unable to do that, I would highly recommend counseling whether you think you want or need it, before you truly hurt someone. Hugs GB

Thank you for your suggestions. Yes, I can take constructive criticism. That's why I am here. What you and everyone else should know is that this not a black and white situation. These actions are one part of our relationship. We have plenty of time that we share jokes, dialogue and true concern for one another. This psychological problem does not define our relationship. This why it is so confounding to my GF and myself. I want to know why I am triggered by kindness. Therapy is a part of a solution but doesn't happen as fast as one would like. I also don't want to subdue this anger and have it come out somewhere else. I am trying to make it a great relationship as much as possible.

My father had a mean streak and appeared to compulsively sabotage relationships. He was extremely manipulative and liked to move his puppets around at whim. I was only a child, so was defenseless. As an adult, I began to recognize that he used anger and meanness to distance himself. To reject before being rejected. To avoid feeling vulnerable. In any event, he died and I rarely miss him. He destroyed the peace of our home and gave me a terrible self-image.

I've been married to my husband for 36 years. He is exactly like you. As you stated, there are good times in our marriage too, and I do love him. I also take my vows seriously and would never leave him just because I no longer enjoy things I used to. But I want to tell you what it's REALLY like for your wife when you behave that way.

I used to love all holidays. Birthdays and anniversaries.
I used to make him meals that anyone would have loved to have had.
I used to try and keep our home a sanctuary for us both.
Notice I say used to. I no longer get any joy from any of the holidays and parties. I don't look forward to them and am relieved when they're over.
I also have stopped caring whether he finds me attractive or not. I've begun to neglect my health and screw the housework too.
Most of the time we live in seeming peace and harmony but I am a wife full of resentment! And yeah, I need help too. But that's not the point here.
When you feel like "trashing" her the next time, and really that's just what it feels like, stop and think about how crappy she's feeling inside. Do you want her to feel a failure in being able to make you happy?
And then get some help man, before she starts to resent her life with you. You could end up living with someone like me if you don't.

And if you REALLY want to take ownership, as you said, then do it.

To Liz1961
WOW! pretty much dead on with your post. The only difference is that I don't feel happy after. It's more like that I am triggered to do it for whatever the reason without respect for her feelings. I feel blank when I do it. Happiness doesn't enter into it. I am getting pro help and upping my med ( Lamotrogine ). GF is helping me through this. I am having ongoing introspection. She loves me and appears to like me most of the time through her actions. I do many loving things for her to except for this crap. I would give you a hug if I knew how. I think you are private though and do not accept hugs.

Thank you zrostratum. If you want to change your outlook I wish you much luck.
I don't believe my husband gets happiness from it either. In fact, I think he reacts the way he does because he himself is unhappy. He isn't belittling the things I do or enjoy with the thought in his mind that he 's doing it to hurt me. He does it because he is angry, hurting, unhappy or whatever and isn't thinking far enough ahead to realize how deeply his words cut me. And I don't know, maybe he feels blank like you when he does it.
Your GF sounds like a keeper to me and you do say you wish to understand why you do these things...I wish you and her the very best.

Hello zrostratum,
Your behavior must be very painful for your GF. I can tell you that the worst thing for any human being is to feel unappreciated by a love one. You might not agree that our actions are connected with our past but the past have the power to shape our future self for better or worst. Underlined or unresolved issues lingered deep in the subconscious. I agreed that individual counseling does not provide quick answers or fast result but the key to our unwanted behaviors is knowledge. To know is to understand for change to be possible. For individuals that seek a quick change, he or she should seek cognitive behavioral therapy. This type of counseling seeks to change an individuals way of thinking to modified behavior. Good luck.
--MROJAS1.

To MROJAS1
Thanks for the post. It's very hard to put a handle on this. I believe I have to censor myself before I speak or I may say something hurtful. It just happened again where I was in a restaurant that she loves. I said something in conversation that I thought was just harmless in the news and I made it seem like it was something to worry about. I didn't have any regard to how she would take it. I ruined the night out. She gave me every opportunity to own it and save the night. I realized my sabotage too late as usual. I took myself out of the drama for a while so I could vent without scaring her. My apologies are getting real old. I am getting therapy and meds. GF is a godsend and I guess I think I am unworthy and displace it on her for no reason.I am really trying to think everything out day and night.I am so sick of myself. I don't know what else to say right now, but thanks again for the post.

Well, the only thing that I could think of is something that you don't want us to say lol. It has to do with your upbringing. Was your father emotionally abusive towards your mother or to you? Sometimes children can mimic their parent's behaviors. Even if they don't want to. Counseling might help you. It is very good that you can acknowledge this as a problem though. Good for you. I do feel bad for her though. It seems like she might have low self esteem or feel like she is not good enough and deserves to be treated poorly..

How about you're just a rotten guy?

Love Alice, Thanks for the insight. My father who is 89 and still alive with my 88 YO mom was verbally abusive to us both. My mother sort of grew a shell. I didn't. I am (was) very sensitive to peoples emotions. Sometimes I feel I have a low self esteem. Sometimes the opposite depending who I am around. I'll tell everyone, I am getting a LOT of help from this site! Thanks again.

Very sensitive people can do other things to help themselves like practice yoga. It seems to build a healthy shell. It is something that you do at your own pace with no measuring against others. It slows down your thoughts and sort of massages you brain with some kind of peace chemicals (don't think endorphins but maybe).

Anyway, it helps me think before sabotaging (you are not the only one who does this).

You have learned sabotage and you were sent someone to help get you out of it. Make sure she sees concrete steps that you are trying to get out of this.

I should do the same, lol

I hate saying this but i completely understand what you are going through. I recently lost the love of my love/husband to be a month before our wedding date because I was always so angry over every little thing that didn't go my way or wasn't perfect. I was verbally abusive too. I was like you.. tried to change but never did. It had to do a lot with my upbringing. I want to advice you to read a good book I read that has changed my world in great ways.. It is called the four agreements. You need to step back when you feel yourself getting angry.. count to 5 and ask yourself, is it worth saying or doing something i'll regret later? is it worth losing this person over something so stupid and simple? I think once you take a minute to realize that its not worth it, you'll be cool again. I hope that helps :)