Oh my gosh. I can't even imagine how you must feel. My heart goes out to you.

Deborah....no no no guilt here! This is part of the disease....loss of inhibitions is a huge part, and the sex thing is a huge part of that. He may not have even wanted to have sex with you, especially in the old manner, but was just aroused and doing what he did does not seem the same to them as it once would have....they don't have shame or anything about it because the brakes that used to be put on that behavior are gone now. My Dad does that sort of thing to us, his daughters!! Yes, it's very disturbing, and simply say to him in a firm (but not angry) voice, "No, Dad, that's not for me", then I distract him immediately, with my head away to give him time to get himself settled. Good grief, he's 84! IF he were in his right mind, he'd be horrified. This is especially hard for me because my grandfather molested me as a small child and I ended up married before it all came back to me and had to go to therapy forever to get past that one. You have to keep saying to yourself, it's not him, it's the disease...over and over....and then I say to God, "Your strength, not mine, your strength not mine". He gets me through. I hate this darn disease! God bless you, I can imagine how you feel because they have so little pleasure in this life now and you feel like you're refusing to make him happy. Honestly, it isn't like that...it's a physical reaction and they act on it because there is no voice inside telling them "no". Be kind to yourself, you did the right thing by simply removing yourself from the scene.

Becky

Ok, thanks, good point, it's just a primal thing that he isn't in control of and you're right, my old husband would have been disturbed by it too. I feel less guilty.

Ken

Sorry about that,
At night Ken is always sticking his hand down his pants, One night I told him to stop playing with it and he very nicley told me" that sometime you just gotta play with it."
Just in the last week he has blurted out sex sex. At first I was surprised and ask him why he was saying that. (Don't ask me why, I ask)Now when he says it I just act like I never heard him.
I know Ken would never had acted this way, when it happens I my be a little surprised but I know it's not him, it's just this dreadful disease.
I totaly agree with you it is very diffcult to think about having any kind of sex at this point .

Deb,
I know that behavior is disturbing, but I really don't think it had anything to do with sex or love or desire. I think it's
some feel good
touch and maybe some crossed wires in the brain.

I remove Ron's hand from his pants a lot. I don't say anything ( not that he could say anything back) and keep a sheet or blanket over him most of the time.

I heard about a woman in a local nursing home who would take out her very ample breast and pet it, They finally started putting her robes on backwards.

No need for guilt. You did everything right. Hugs !

While I have not had this issue with either my father or mom, I read this and had several thoughts. Oh my God, we should all be awarded some special certificate showing how much we end up knowing and show how well we deal with it. It's like we should be the doctor's assistance for all Alzheimer's patients.

And this makes me realize I can still laugh about the serious things. You got to laugh at how the brain works. Hands in pants, petting boobs.....goodness. At least they aren't aware of what they are doing.

As I read the posts of the long time caregivers here I know I will get all the support and advice I ever need for caring for my mom.

Bless all of you! Such wonderful people.

Yes, you will Linda, I feel so much better having shared that, like I have not been alone.

Whenever you feel alone, which I hope is not often, come here to visit with us...

thinking of you, glad you feel better....

This web site has saved me many a time, I am so grateful to have all pf you out there.
Thank You all.

I am a new comer here, I hope to share my experience with all of you wonderful people. My mother does not have that problem, but she likes to scream loud and my husband does not understand that she is not in herself.
My mother is 89. She get gets resless, depressed and very needy. I can't leave the room without having her follow me. I am afraid of what the future will bring!

haven't had to deal with that (yet) but my heart sure goes out to you. If only people knew what we deal with. Its a double edge sword.......I would never tell "others" what goes on here..don't even tell our children everything their father does out of respect for him...but at the same time sometimes I can scream when people say "he seems pretty good!!" IF THEY ONLY KNEW...yet on one hand I don't want them to know for his sake and on the other hand I almost do want them to know what I go through!!! How crazy is that?? Can't have it both ways. I think I am so used to "handling everything and being the tower of strength, that the tower is falling down"!

Sher-

There were so many things in your post that hit a nerve, as I'm sure it did for everyone else.

sometimes I can scream when people say "he seems pretty good!!" IF THEY ONLY KNEW...yet on one hand I don't want them to know for his sake and on the other hand I almost do want them to know what I go through!!!

.don't even tell our children everything their father does out of respect for him

I think I am so used to "handling everything and being the tower of strength, that the tower is falling down"!

OMG.......it is like we are all living the same nightmare. People say the same thing about my hubby and I often want to scream......but then I am grateful that his behavior in public is still pretty good. As far as the sex thing, we had not had sex for almost six months. He was able and willing to perform even though he is paralyzed but he was so nasty and hateful to me I had absolutely no desire. It is really sad since our sex life has always been good. He started about a month ago on Aricept and these past few weeks have been really good. I have had a few bad days but much better than it has been. Even though it is difficult being sexual with someone who requires constant care, I have been caring for him since he went into a wheelchair many years ago. Even though paralyzed he is a good lover and after a few really good days I gave into his advances. I am really glad I did and I slept better than I have in months. I thought all of those feelings were gone but it helped me to know that the man I have loved almost my entire life is still in there. Sometimes he is overwhelmed by this awful disease; but with the recent addition of medication that seems to be working at the moment we are very grateful for the result and pray that it will last for a while. I love that we are able to share our most intimate and private moments with wonderful friends I have never really met. Somehow I feel we all know each other better than members of our family.......love and prayers to all.............Jeanmarie

When I feel all alone and scared in my journey and concerned and fearful of my thoughts....all I have to do is come here and know I am not! Thank you allI honestly don't know what I would do with out you, even with a good family and friends who try, no-one knows like you guys and there is no-one with whom I really would bear my sole on this subject and tell all as I do here. There is something about this that still holds a stigma and admitting what our loved ones are doing seems a betrayal that I cannot do (especially since it is not their fault). We are not only their caregiver but also their PROTECTOR just like we were of our kids when they were little. The other day my husband was in the other room for a long time so as I was concerned I hesitantly asked "What are you doing?" and I was sure it was something wrong .........and he answered "crying". I was reduced to tears myself as it is all so sad and we are all so helpless. Try as we may we are drowning...God PLEASE help us all.