I think I would send a nice little note, stating your husbands condition, and it would be nice if brother could come and see him.

Be nice, be polite, be to the point....after that, it'll be up to the brother as to how this plays out.

Sad that families sometimes just can't handle the AD situation

My husband's brother moved to Florida years before my hubby went into a wheelchair. He would come back to NJ to visit his other brothers and sisters but could not bring himself to visit us because "I couldn't stand to see Tom in a wheelchair." I am sorry but I have NO sympathy for people who make excuses for their awful behavior. He did manage to come home for funerals so

WHOOPS.....so I guess it was easier for him to see a family member in a coffin than in a wheelchair......go figure.

How sad...its a hard call to make, but if you have been in contact with his brother by email, I would just send him an email and tell him what you said here. Just maybe it might make him feel a little guilty and come and visit with him.

Hugs...Carolyn

Thanks guys, I was thinking of doing that but am going to sleep on it first.
It was so emotional to see hubby not only able to read the name but also remember his own which he hadn't for a long time.
Now I'm wondering what else he is thinking and knowing and I feel guiltier than ever for placing him.
This is such a rough road and how much easier it would be with family support.
I appreciate the support I have been given here.

Please don't even entertain the thought of taking him home again. You have just got him settled in there and remember that any change will set him off again. You would have an even harder time the next time it would be necessary to put him in NH. I don't mean to be bossy, but just don't want you to go through what you did when he first went in there. I'm sure the rally is temporary at best.

No excuse for the brother though!

Hugs...Carolyn

I am wondering if your husband has forgotten English but may still be able to communicate in his native language ? Perhaps he can only think in his native language.
Alzheimer's patients often retain early memories and not later ones.

Thanks, Carolyn. I know in my head that it would be wrong to take him home. He is heavy now, cannot get out of chair by himself, still resists personal care just as he did at home and is incontinent. Of course he still has the indwelling catheter and now he is trying to get out of bed which is a serious problem. I know I would be unable to shower him and the most hours I could get in PSW care would be about 7 hours a week. How would I get out to see my 90 year old mom when I can't get hubby into the car? All these things and more remind me that I can't manage but it still breaks my heart and hasn't really become any easier in the 4 months he has been in the home. All I can do is be there as much as I can, to give him his meals, sometimes assist with showers and generally comfort him. He screams as if he is being murdered when in the shower. The neighbours would be calling the police.
Anyhow, I have convinced myself he has to stay there but still have not solved the brother dilemna. The weird thing is he and his wife are in touch with my mother but never mention my husband nor me. I heard from his cousin that the only way he can deal with this is by staying away. I guess I have to accept that. He did the same thing when his sister had AD.
Thanks for your support.

The language issue is a complicating factor. When I applied for long term care I had to make a decision, to chose a home that caters almost exclusively to residents from his home country which would have meant an hour's travel into the city or a home to which I can walk. I chose the latter thinking of winter driving and how much I hate city driving. The home I chose became available within 2 weeks of applying. I could put in a request for a transfer but at this stage it does not make sense.
I have educated the staff in a lot of the basic words they can use to communicate with my husband and they are very good.
I always try English first as I hope he won't lose it altogether.
Nothing is easy with this disease.

I wonder how the brother feels when he gets his AD and no one visits. You think he will remember his excuse?

I think not! So sad

Ok, please be a little patient with me...I'm feeling sorta crazy...but THIS ISSUE makes me totally CRAZY...why the *(&* is there ANY reason for these so called family members to "avoid" or "not be able to handle" or whatever *(^$&^%$ it is called....this is just a total fabrication...WHAT can;'t they handle, WHAT is going to happen to them will they die on the spot or later? will they cry will they feel sad, will they be stressed...WHAT!!!!!?????? what do they think they mean what do they think they are saying....?

This is some sort of RIDICULOUS excuse cooked up by some nut job in our culture that anyone even thinks they can SAY this, ever.....

I absolutely LOVE sosad's reply about easier to se them in a coffin......

As far as an approach to his brother... i would send an email stating the facts, tell what happened and ask for what you want for yourself and your husband....nicely but clearly....then it's on their heads what they do or say...

And I DO KNOW how hard it is to see your husband like this but he has adjusted and that was really very much hard enough.....?

we all vent, it is simply part of what is necessary for survival....