First thing most people say when they learn I am caring for an end stage Alzheimer's patient at home .... " How long will you be able to
do that"

I give the only answer I can think of .. " I don't know, until I can't"
I don't know - there is no answer to that.

And I hear the " you need to put him in a home" all the time.. Gets old doesn't it ?

I know Deb and it makes me wonder what kind of marriages or relationships these people are in that it seems to easy to just "put them in a home".
Of course Neal is not as far along as your husband or Judys but I also get that thing about taking care of him or placing him, "time to start thinking about that you know". Well I have thought about it long before he ever got sick.
I thought about it way back when I was in nursing and worked in nursing homes and took care of all those people who's families "got rid of them" and I told my family that under no circumstances did I want to end up in one of those places. If I was still able enough to care for myself then let me and if I was very ill let nature take it's course.
I also promised Neal that I would not put him away, it was a big fear of his and I guess I'll just take it one day at a time and do the best I can.
Like you Neal is my husband, he was my best friend for a big chunk of my life, my partner in adventure and we just loved being together. Now that he is no longer the same man I married I can't just throw him out like he's all used up. All those good years have to mean something and be worth something from me in return.

Couldn't agree more. Mother even says maybe she should be in " one of those horrible old lady places" so as not to be a burden anymore. Sometimes I think maybe she truly wants to be since, as she says, "They know how to care for people like me and understand what I'm going through." Then........ half an hour later she says she never wants to leave her home and we'll get help in when the time comes"
I don't like this woman. I never have. She's a whining bitch most of the time and almost narcissistic in attitude.
I could put her in a home if I wanted to. Very easily. And will when I think the time is right but I promised my dad I'd care for her as long as I could and being the only child, it simply seems to me that I'm doing the "right thing"
I think each person needs to make their own minds up as to what is good for them and the rest keep their mouths shut until they' need to make their own decisions.
If I were still married and had a family, I sometimes think I might have made the choice to place her, but I don't think so. I think she'd be living with us as part of an extended family. It just seems to be a no brainer to me.

No one understands until they walk in your shoes. Even close friends say the same thing to me...you need a life, it's too much work, she really needs to be in a nursing home. I think people don't really know what to say and say what they think is right without any understanding or having lived through being a caregiver.

I give the best care my mom can get at this stage of her disease. When that's not enough I will do what I can to make her life as good as it can be. Maybe that will never be a nursing home. We each have to make our own decisions based on our situation.

I do the same as Jamr41 - I just explain that taking care of mom is the best thing for me and her right now. When it isn't, I will tackle that when it comes. I find this forum the only place I can "complain" or speak my mind and get good caring, kind feedback.

Find people who care and keep them as close friends.

I haven't had to many people say say anything about putting Ken in a home. But, my Mom has hinted around about it. I know she is worried about me so I don't say to much to her. She's never came right out and said but after helping with him while I was gone she did say I was a saint and doesn't know how I do it.
I received a very nice letter from Ken's 92 year old dad(.Ken's adopted dad )Still sharp as a tack anyway, he sent some old pictures enlarged to 8 by 10 saying it might ring a bell for Ken. I showed them to him and he recognized the one with his dad and mom I was very surprised. The one of a sister he knew it was a sister but no name.I have showed hm couple more times and he didn't know who they were.
The touching part was the letter was saying he knows it's tough on me and and we want to thank you for all you have done and am doing.There comes a time when you have to realize you can only handle so much.You will know when that is.
The last line that made me sad was thanking me again and give Kenny my love even if he doesn't know who it came from.

I thought it was very nice letter.

Just wanted to share something nice.

that was a nice gesture

I understand...I haven't quite heard that yet but do hear that it is coming soon. I am with you and Judy.........Until I can't and pray that never comes or God takes him first. No one can really understand except another spouse (like many of us here)..even though people try its unimagineable to understand. When even our day to day shocks us ..how could they? 24/7 is a little different than a visit once in a while. When your ROCK is crumbling it does things to us we don't even understand. I guess people mean well and think they are thinking of you.... but they don't understand we are all grieving even though our spouses are physically still here. Judys reply says it all!!! My husband has always been my best friend, partner, lover , my rock..now its my turn to step up for the man I love whether he is aware of it or not...I know.

I just tell everyone it is not going to happen any time soon, so forget it unless they want to pay the bill. That shuts them up quick.