I am so very sad for you and for Rollie, but I know this has to end. Everything you have told us about him is so lovable...Just the dreadful illness is awful....

I would talk to your minister/priest/officiant and ask how to handle your wishes in a formal manner. I SO know what you mean....

Debbie, I am so so sorry you have this to suffer through now. I stand with you....you are both in my heart and in my prayers as is your family....

Honey you can do anything you want and I urge you to do what will be best for you and your needs.
They have not been there for you or Rollie. That is something they will have to live with if there is enough humanity left in them for it.
When he passes go ahead and have the service you need. I would not even tell them when or where that would be. Let them know of his passing and that they will have to arrange their own memorial services but you do not want them any where near you. Once he's gone there will be absolutely no reason to have anything else to do with them.

That's a hard one. Are they people who "love" a funeral? If so trying to ban them will probably be more drama than it is worth. Of course you can drop lots of nasty comments about how he would have loved to see them when he was alive. And you can certainly try to not let them know he has passed although somehow the info always seems to get around.

What I would do is make the funeral director and anyone else involved that they are not overly welcome and that you expect there may be some upset. They are usually very good at handling these situations and being aware will let them minimize the problems.

Remember you can only control your own actions. Do not allow these people to make you behave in a way that is not natural for you. I've been trying very hard these last few years to not let family force me into actions and feelings that are just unhealthy.

I was in a similar situation when Mom's 3rd husband passed away (some 20 years ago) and she was mad at me because she thought that I did not deserve to be present at the time of his death since I was not around for his life. When he died, she went ahead with the funeral arrangements and never told me, so of course I did not attend.

I felt OK with it since this is what she wanted but it was a very awkward situation for everyone around. However she always held a grudge against me for not being there. Go figure!!

I'm in a somewhat similar situation. According to hubby's sister-in-law his brother has a hard time dealing with the disease. The only time they visit is when he is in hospital. Then they visit regularly and make themselves out to be the concerned relatives. I am so angry about that and am thinking as you are that I don't need to see them on his death.
Do what's in your heart. You don't owe them anything. You know you have done the very best for your husband in life and that's what matters.

Dear Deb,
My heart is hurting for you and Rollie but I do not think you have to feel any guilt whatever your decision might be. Some people love to portray the loving relative when they didn't give a rat's behind about the person when they were alive. I have heard similar comments about one of my hubby's brothers who couldn't bear to see his brother in a wheelchair. My hubby used to say to me "if he can't bear to see me in a wheelchair, don't you dare let him in the funeral home to cry over me when I am dead." Fortunately, his brother has been to see him several times since my hubby made that comment and feels differently now.

I think you need to do what is best for you. If you decide to allow them to come, you can always throw a few comments there way about how nice it would have been if they had visited Rollie while he was still able to know that they cared. I hate this disease and what it does to a family but really maybe all it does is show who is truly "family". That doesn't always have to mean you related. Family to me are people that care about you and are there for you when you need them the most. I don't think my version of family would include Rollie's "family." Love you Deb, you will do what is right for you and for Rollie and have peace with whatever decision you make. Hugs & prayers always......Jeanmarie

I am in a similar situation with my Husband's family. They haven't rung to ask how he was for about 7 years. He was diagnosed in 2007 with Alzheimers. Last year his son who has slight learning difficulties phoned which I thought would maybe open the way for reconcilliation but he was very demanding and blamed me for his dad not being in touch, said I was keeping his dad away from him and threatened me with a solicitor. This just isn't true. I have often told my husband he should go spend some time with his children, (all grown up now) I might add. The trouble is he always wanted me with him if he went, I had to sit outside in the car while he visited, which was awkward after a 100 mile journey, to sit on my own for an hour or so, in an unfamiliar place. They had our number but we didn't give them our address as we had had trouble with his older brother, and his son would pass our private business on. My husband always said no way was I to have his ex-wife at his funeral, which has left me in an awkward position again. His son rang about six weeks ago and I told him his Dad was in a Nursing home now, and would he let his two sisters know. He obviously told his younger sister, but aparently she is not speaking to the older sister. The younger Daughter came to see my Husband with her daughter and her mother a couple of weeks ago at the Home, had he been in his normal state of mind, he would not have been happy.
He couldn't even remember they'd been when I visited him. Arranging a funeral with all this ill-feeling towards me will not be easy.

My dear friend; Whatever works for you is the right thing. You are the important one at this time, and you certainly don't need any more grief.

My best advice would be to talk to the fneral director and ask them what they do in such situations , they may have the best advice of all as this is sadly probably not that unusual for them.

Ultimately the final decision rests with you and thats that. Whatever you decide I am with you and know it is the right thing.......Hugs Sherri

I think you can do whatever you want. And now that I know you, I really think you might punch one of them and I would not blame you. I might come and punch them for you.

Deborah, I am so happy for you and for Rollie that this horrible nightmare is coming to an end. You have been amazing and deserve great respect for what you have done. Rollie is so blessed to have you in his life. I sure wish his stupid family could realize that as well.

Love you girlfriend,

Sharon