Alzheimer's Disease Support Group
Alzheimer's disease (AD) is the most common cause of dementia and characterized by progressive cognitive deterioration with declining activities of daily living and neuropsychiatric symptoms or behavioral changes. An early symptom is memory loss (amnesia), usually manifesting as minor forgetfulness that becomes pronounced with illness progression, with relative...
Is it just me, or do other people with this terrible illness experience the same thoughts as I do about themselves and any possible changes in their personality, as I for one do not like what I hear, and can adjudge in myself anymore.
Prior to falling victim to this illness people used to tell me that I must have the patience of a saint as I was previously always an extremely composed person with an immense amount of tolerance and understanding which was a prerequisite within my past profession, and to ruffle my feathers (so to speak) was near impossible but slowly over the now almost Six years of my illness all previous tolerance has diminished turning me into what I can only call a Jackal and Hyde personality. One moment I am as calm and patient as the day is long but then if the slightest thing goes wrong or action or even a miss spoken word that upsets my equilibrium then I can explode into the foulest of verbal abuse conceivable which is completely out of my previous nature as I was never the type of person that used such foul language, I dont get in any way physically violent its just the verbal abuse which then always seems to descend blunt end upon the shoulders of my dear wife and family and at times I can see Sumi and my stepdaughter Yuni looking at me in utter astonishment maybe thinking who is this foul shrouded creature as its not the Barry we recognize yet still love.
I realize that at such times I am momentarily under the total effect influences of the Alzheimers / dementia, but what is it that actually triggers the sudden outbursts which cause me a great deal of anxiety and leave my darling Sumi weeping her heart out maybe its because Im becoming far more paranoid within my daily life and at times have the feeling that the whole world is against me and my every action in trying to maintain some quality of life, or trying to hoax me in whatever way they can (which of course is entirely untrue) but when paranoia gets a grip on your day it can be unyielding sending me into bouts of deep depression, and then, if Im perfectly honest, and this is not easy to say thats when I become resentful that we cant just pick up the telephone to discuss such problems with an Alzheimers help line or that there is no Alzheimers Society within our area to give us any type of support so YES at times I get extremely envious which then becomes prey to the paranoia.
I know we all say the same thing in that We hate this illness but what I hate the most is what its taking away from me (My dignity as a human being) but as yet thanks to God its not taken away the deepest love I have for my dear wife who I might add still showers me with far more love and affection than Im deserving and thats why I say, I dont like the ME anymore
Barry
Prior to falling victim to this illness people used to tell me that I must have the patience of a saint as I was previously always an extremely composed person with an immense amount of tolerance and understanding which was a prerequisite within my past profession, and to ruffle my feathers (so to speak) was near impossible but slowly over the now almost Six years of my illness all previous tolerance has diminished turning me into what I can only call a Jackal and Hyde personality. One moment I am as calm and patient as the day is long but then if the slightest thing goes wrong or action or even a miss spoken word that upsets my equilibrium then I can explode into the foulest of verbal abuse conceivable which is completely out of my previous nature as I was never the type of person that used such foul language, I dont get in any way physically violent its just the verbal abuse which then always seems to descend blunt end upon the shoulders of my dear wife and family and at times I can see Sumi and my stepdaughter Yuni looking at me in utter astonishment maybe thinking who is this foul shrouded creature as its not the Barry we recognize yet still love.
I realize that at such times I am momentarily under the total effect influences of the Alzheimers / dementia, but what is it that actually triggers the sudden outbursts which cause me a great deal of anxiety and leave my darling Sumi weeping her heart out maybe its because Im becoming far more paranoid within my daily life and at times have the feeling that the whole world is against me and my every action in trying to maintain some quality of life, or trying to hoax me in whatever way they can (which of course is entirely untrue) but when paranoia gets a grip on your day it can be unyielding sending me into bouts of deep depression, and then, if Im perfectly honest, and this is not easy to say thats when I become resentful that we cant just pick up the telephone to discuss such problems with an Alzheimers help line or that there is no Alzheimers Society within our area to give us any type of support so YES at times I get extremely envious which then becomes prey to the paranoia.
I know we all say the same thing in that We hate this illness but what I hate the most is what its taking away from me (My dignity as a human being) but as yet thanks to God its not taken away the deepest love I have for my dear wife who I might add still showers me with far more love and affection than Im deserving and thats why I say, I dont like the ME anymore
Barry
God bless you all
Barry
Your own tail is extremely sad, to have deeply loved someone for so long is something of a miracle in itself theses days so I can just imagine how hurtful your husbands anger must feel and yes we all say (Its the dementia talking which is true) I must also be honest as much of the time I dont always recall what Ive said to Sumi myself but I made it a point right from the start of my illness that she MUST tell me everything that happens, do, or that I say, as I have to try and explain to her whats happening to my brain and being as my condition slowly becomes worse, but your tail brings to mind the old adage (We always hurt the ones we love the most) yet that still doesnt bring us any consolation other than to say, that your feeling that terrible sense of Lose and pain because you love your husband so much if you did not love him you would not be feeling that way, and Im sure that if he is like me even though we shout, rage and cast aspersions deep within our heart and soul the love is still there frustratingly fighting trying to return to a life that once was!! In truth I think Love is something we feel (Not just what we hear or see!)
Go bless you
Barry
Sharon