Why don't you try going every other day for a week or so just to give you a break. I would not take him home on a trial basis if you are not physically or emotionally able to handle him. Maybe for now you ought to do what is best for you and not always be thinking of what is best for him. We caregivers are good at taking care of others but stink when it comes to taking care of ourselves. I know you are having a hard time but maybe a little space would be good for both of you. Hug and prayers......Jeanmarie

You could be so right about going to often. Try like Jeanmarie says and go every other day. I also would NOT try taking him home. As you say, he wants to come home and if you do, you may not get him to go back. It is really hard emotionally I know when they are begging you to do things you know you can't.
I don't know why this disease has to be so cruel.

hugs......Carolyn

I wonder if he knows I'm his wife- he doesn't say he wants to go to our house but rather mine. Am I just someone who comes regularly and cares about him? Whatever it is, it breaks my heart.

"Going Home" in Alzheimer's speak usually means the person is feeling uncomfortable and wants to feel more secure..... not necessarily "home" as we know home to be. It's a very typical reaction to feeling stress. I think what you might do is ask him what you can do to make him feel more secure where he is. Maybe a few special pieces he likes to see around him? That might help. Holding his hand will always help.

I know what you mean, Pam. However, my husband doesn't say he wants to go "home" but rather to my house.
He absolutely refuses to spend any time in his very nice room at the nursing home. It' s a private room and I have tried to make it meaningful to him. The only time he is in there is to sleep and it's a fight most nights to get him there.
As to holding his hand, he is at a stage where he does not want me to even touch him., not just me but even frinds and family who visit.
He also resists taking part in any activity at the home but just wants to sit. It 's very hard to make him happier.
The only time I have seen him truly happy, smiling and laughing was on his birthday when I took my mom in to see him. That was this week and I wonder if that has triggered his wanting to come home.

Dear I,
This has to be distressing....

,,,,,a few ?'s to think about.....was he a generally happy person before?

.......was he happy at home?

if so, what seemed to make him happy? (or unhappy)
was it the familiarity of the house, certain activities? a certain room?

is he aware of being in a NH?

does the staff seem to understand why he is unhappy?

have they adjusted his meds for depression?

there could be multiple causes for the mood, so also different possible ways to try to work on it

If you think the home is working ok with him then if your going does not make him happy, I agree that going less and trying to take care of yourself would be good

here hoping something will help ....

Thank you for your very thought provoking questions and suggestions.
Was he a happy person? Yes, I would say so.
In the few months before placement, however, the things that used to give him pleasure no longer did. He loved classical music, for example and would listen to the old Italian masters for hours on end. Then close to the time he went to the nursing home he no longer wanted music nor T.V. and was happiest sitting in his chair. He resisted personal care even then and didn't want the caregivers in the house, even threatening them.
I don't know if he knows where he is but he obviously doesn't like it. His response to everything is no. He has to be dragged into the dining room most days, same with going to his room and bed.
There is a lot of noise in this unit- often the TV is on as well as music at the other end of the room and I'm sure that disturbs him.
This is considered the best home in our area and so moving him is not an option. My only option is to take him home and I know that would be a mistake. He is a heavy man, has an indwelling catheter, his mobility is becoming more and more impaired. I noticed I'm feeling so much better physically since I don;t have full care of him.
He may be heading for a UTI again as that really changes his behaviour. They are reluctant to put him on ant-biotics all the time for fear he will build up a resistance.
It's just very difficult all round and our family doctor can no longer be involved in his care which I don't like either.
Sorry, I'm rambling on.
I hope to meet with the unit manager today and hopefully we can come up with something.

I just picked up on something you said in your last post about him being happy sitting in "his chair". Would it be a possibility to have "his chair" moved from your home into his room at the nursing home?

Maybe the noise from the TV and music coming from different directions could be irritating him as well. I know with my hubby that he is very sensitive to sound and is constantly telling me he hears a truck in the driveway or the telephone ringing when it is actually on TV and not in our home.

Happy to hear though that you have noticed an improvement in your health........time to take care of you since he is being cared for.
Hugs & prayers

a suggestion...How about earphones? I bought my husband a set of earphones and rather tahn CDS it is Radio earphones and he can listen to whatever he feels like it helps sometimes.

In your case it might block out unwelcome sounds and let him hear some nich music!..he could just " sit in a chair " as he likes and listen. You say he liked it when your Mom visited for his b'day ...how about taking in a picture of your mom and him. Maybe he really likes her and feels comfortable with her. I know my husband loved my mom dearly(God rest her soul) and she him. All those MIL stories aren't always true.

I am sure you already have taken in lots of pictures for him , but just in case not how abpout a "Collage" of good time with different family members by his bed.

Also something Itried with my husband starting day care , (at my daughters suggestions) I gave him something to hold for me until I came back! Any little thing would do , but it seems to assure them that you shall return.

I wish you luck, and agree with others taking him home would be a mistake unless you plan on keeping him there. I don't think you wpould ever get him back. ((HUGS)) Sherbear2

There is no problem with taking his chair to his room in the nursing home. However, when I discovered that he prefers to sit in the lounge I decided against it. I know he won't stay in his room no matter what I do to make it more like his room at home.
I had a fairly productive meetint with the unit manager this morning and brought up a lot of issues that I hadn't even thought of raising at this time.
I know I triggered his upset yesterday. When I walked in, his one shoe was covered in urine and when I took it off I saw his support stockings were also wet and his feet swollen. I freaked out. Another time I know I need to walk away till I have cooled off. The unit manager said she would brainstorm with the staff to see what other things trigger him.
He was fairly calm when I went in this morning and didn't ask about coming with me when I left for an appointment. It's this roller coaster which is so hard to take.

thank you to all of you for your warm thoughts and helpful suggestions. It means so much to me.. I wish I could give each one of you a hug.
I'm happy you allowed me into your "family".

I would not bring him back home. Is he cross and anxious with the nursing care as well?

Yes he is agitated with nursing care and any personal care.
Tonight he refused to go into the dining room and screamed and carried on. He asked me to take him to my house again. I feel terrible.
I now tell him he is there to get better and I will see him later. He looks so dejected. The guilt just keeps mounting.

I know that look Ingelo. Carl, while he was in a semi-normal state, would say" am I never going to get to go home again?" and I kept telling him that as soon as he could walk again, I would take him home. Even though I knew it would never happen, he didn't and it gave him hope. They forget right away anyway. It is really sad when you put yourself in their spot and try to imagine how they feel.

But I honestly feel you would be going backwards if you gave in and took him home again,. He is only going to continue to get worse and there is nothing saying he would'nt continue to be angry even if you did take him home.

i tell my mom, i will take you home when it is time. sometimes i tell her that she is in a place that is helping her with her memory.

i visit 2 to 3 times a week right now.

when i do take my mom out for ice cream or a drive, when we pull up to the care facility i tell her that we are going inside to visit somebody. she goes to her room and feels more secure because her things are there and then i tell her i have to go to work and will be back tomorrow.