If I had to give some memories on my dad it would be tough also. He wasn't an alkie like yours, but he was very abusive. I'm eager to get busy on the steps and get through some of the resentments with my dad.

I keep telling myself, he does/did his best, and you can't knock that. Although,it pisses me the F off.

I'd say sit on it a few days, surely you can come up with a few memories, this may be a good thing in disguise.

GL

When I worked through my resentments about my mother with my therapist - it was strange - the visceral emotion that thinking about it brought out in me - it was almost like my emotions from when I was a child were frozen in time and I had no ability to think as a rational adult when it came to that subject.

I found talking through it and re-viewing the situation through the eyes of an adult who is now also a mom doing the best she can - I was able to find empathy for her in a way that I had never been able to before. Like Ramblin said, it may turn out to be a blessing in disguise that you are being asked to do this. (btw, Ramblin, you sound great)

I can so relate. My dad is very much alive, but we don't have a good relationship. I have dropped my active resentments, however, my feelings toward him are ambivilent at the very best. He's a selfish man, and no amount of sugar coating can change that. He's a different man now at 64 than when I was growing up. The man he was when I was growing up was not pleasant and he was an awful father.
I am not mad at him, but I can't say that I love him either. Its just a tough relationship all around.
So I can relate. I had to do a 4th, 8 and 9th step to let go of the painful stuff. I am OK with where are relationship is today which is a huge change for me. He no longer has the influence he used to have on me. that's good.

If my dad had died when I was 22 it would have been very difficult for me to write down memories like your mom asked you. Not because he was an alcoholic or abusive, but because at 22 I was still in the process of pushing away from him. Even though we were close when I was a little kid, we did not get closer again until later -- we both had some growing to do.

Don't feel bad that you are struggling with this -- family relationships can get pretty complex.

I've been feeling bummed too. I just don't get this whole living and dying shit. Especially the dying.

I can relate about my own dad....memories of iron fisted controller whom I rebelled against till he was old and feeble....he died in 2009

I can see how hard this is for you. If I had to do it, I wouldn't be able to come up with anything. My dad was very abusive and an active alcoholic. I remember at 7 begging my dad to stop drinking. He let me have my first beer. I got a lot of my resentments out doing a 5th step. Some pop up and I have to do a mini fourth on it.

Hmmmm. Ok. I think a place to go with this may be something that feels neutral to you. Let's see, maybe, as he was an intellectual type-is there a memory of a book or area of interest that he had, that you could expand upon? Ummm, maybe something that happened that you remember that does not really strike you emotionally, but your mom might enjoy hearing-

If I was asked this, I would think of something neutral. I know you shut out a lot, but maybe even a hobby he had. Something simple.

I can imagine this may be the last thing you feel like doing-but lets get it out of the way, ok?

Hmm. That actually helped.

Hobbies... He was and artist and won some awards for his work. That was his passion I guess. When he was younger he was a photographer and as he got older he stuck "painterly" landscapes. His favorite color was green.

He also taught himself to speak Italian fluently. I actually think he was fluent in Latin and German also.

Books... He had a weird fascination with Hitler and Nazi Germany. Other than that he read art books and science books. I think he even had a manuscript for a book he was writing about painting.

He was very spiritual and was I think considered to be kind of a wise man in our small town. He had been a Franciscan monk and left the priesthood but did his best to keep his vows, including his vow of poverty, so he never wore nice clothes. His best friends were mainly priests or ministers. He was Catholic but didn't seem to have any judgments on other religions. He seemed to be a counselor to a lot of people.

He liked all music and would lay in the middle of the living room floor to listen to it. He listened to a lot of classical, but I remember him liking Paula Abdul, Fleetwood Mac, Gordon Lightfoot, Herbie Hancock, and a lot synthesized music. His vow of poverty did not extend to electronics apparently. He bought a really nice stereo system so he could listen to music. He also later taught himself to play piano and bought both a piano and a Roland D20 synthesizer. He tried to teach me but all I wanted to do was play drums.

He liked watching Alfred Hitchcock and a lot of old black & white movies.

He woke up every day at 5 am and went on a 6 mile run in the country.

He was a self taught electrical engineer. He had a Phd in physics but never used it after he work as a nuclear engineer during the development of the first atomic bomb. He retired from his electrical engineering job and became a technical writer and started his own company. Then he also taught math for a local college.

Wow.... that isn't too bad. Maybe that is enough.

Hi Taradactyl, I'm sure much of the history we learned in school was "sanitized" to present each notable in the best possible light. Tell the historian what he wants to hear. He's not from the Enquirer, is he? As for your own true feelings about the "man" (not the "legend"), think about your entire past with him - Good and Bad. Then, ask yourself, if this person weren't related to me but, simply a stranger, how would I feel about him? Would I want his friendship or, would I not even want him in my life? God judges each of us separately in the end. You were put here to live YOUR life. It was among your father's roles to provide a vessel for your eternal soul. But you don't owe him a thing for that, you owe God.

copy and paste above tara! Perfect.

Great job! I think thaat should satisfy the historians and your mom. Now you can get it off your mind.

I sent my mom what I wrote here. She was actually pretty excited. I think she still misses him.

It is crazy how much time can pass and it still hurts.

Thanks for all the feedback everyone. xo