I went to a wedding tonight. I was confident I wouldn't drink so I felt fine going. What I was worried about was the immaturity from those around me wondering why I'm all the sudden not drinking or pressuring me to drink. I didn't feel tempted but it was much more uncomfortable than I anticipated. I feel so small and almost with I hadn't gone. Nobody at the wedding knows that I'm in recovery but people starting to get curious, as I hadn't been drinking casually around anyone there for a few months now. I've been sober for near 90 days and feel great, I'm not going back to the life I was living before.

The ceremony was nice and then came the cocktail social hour. Someone wrangled me to the bar and I was going to get a ginger ale, I felt embarrassed ordering in front of him so I went to the bathroom to stall. I came back and ordered my ginger ale and sipped it socializing. The only person to grill me about what I was drinking was drinking straight scotch on the rocks. I lied and told him I got a ginger ale and whiskey. I fooled the rest of the people.

Dinner came around and they asked if I want wine and I said no thanks, the same guy again (halfway in the bag at this point) grilled me about how I didn't take free wine. A couple people were weirded out by this point but it was ok. I ate my dinner and had a good time, I was a little uncomfortable being sober but it wasn't that bad. After dinner they made toasts, this guy was mad I didn't order wine so he could get two glasses so I ordered a champagne to give to him. I toasted but didn't drink it. Then things got weird.

They were passing around a boot of beer to each table and everyone was taking a sip and passing it. The boot came to me and everyone was looking at me, I took the smallest sip of beer I've ever taken, flicked the stupid boot and passed it. I'm upset with myself I didn't just pass it but I figured what the hell now I took a sip people can get off my back. I felt pretty guilty but it didn't make me want to drink, it actually had the opposite effect, it reaffirmed my choice to not drink. I can't honestly consider this a relapse can I? One tiny sip? I could see if I had convinced myself to drink a beer or something but I can't seriously be upset at myself for having one sip, I basically did it to be easier on myself and not have people all over me about what's going on.

The boot got passed around several more times and I passed it and didn't sip it saying I've had enough of the boot, people were drunk by this point. A couple very drunk people got upset when I passed it and I just said no that's disgusting I don't want to get sick. I wasn't even having fun at this point, everyone drinking was unable to even have a normal conversation and were drunkenly cracking jokes and having a ball. I was so far off their wavelength that I just decided to call my ride and go home. The guy who was drinking scotch was pretty wasted and calling me boring to be around and said I'm a downer to be at a wedding with. He started grabbing my tie and being a dick, when I got home I took my tie off and noticed he had ripped the back of it. That was one of my favorite ties.

So I basically went to the wedding to please the bride and groom and I knew I'd get hell if I skipped, the groom is very emotional. But I didn't enjoy myself much after we had dinner. A girl I'm attracted to but work with was there and she was flirting with multiple guys and drinking and I didn't even talk to her. I didn't know what to say, I wasn't feeling very social, I was basically just physically there. Looking back I regret giving into peer pressure and having a sip of beer from the boot but I'm trying to not be hard on myself because it reaffirmed my choice to not drink. I'm really just feeling detached and depressed and lonely because I felt like I wasn't with my kind. Now my kind feels like the people I have deep meaningful conversations with in recovery and AA.

I really just needed to post to have some genuine human interaction because I'm feeling very lonely after tonight.