Anne,

You have a choice. You can forgive him and clean your side of the street, or you can carry the resentment for the rest of your own life. It's up to you and what you want out of it.

You know the funny thing - this is probably your "first" look at the reality of the how life was. My actual life compared to "booze drenched life" were two seperate things - quite scary.

Welcome to the return of sanity - :o

You will learn how to forgive and let go...

Anne, it's a process and takes time. Keep putting in the footwork and you'll get there. Don't worry or think about all the firsts yet to come... you've got today.

Much easier said than done to forgive however in order to heal you MUST let go. You were not at fault for being abused however your "part" in the abuse is to allow the memory and resentment to rent space in your head. Terrible loss for him not to see and be involved in his grandchildren's lives.

The payoff for YOUR sobriety is to be a wonderful and loving mom who is always THERE for your children. Anniverseries are so difficult. I would recommend you and your family create NEW memories this year by doing something you have never done before and make it a tradition. Have a wonderful Easter (new beginnings) with your children!

Well for me i think its best to love some family from a distance,i come from that backround so i can relate.agree with above try to forgive i know its hard god bless happy easter

Hi Anne, maybe you've not yet had enough of the wonderful, eye-opening, relief-giving "firsts!" Alcoholsim is so bizarre, we are desperately unhappy and want out and yet we paint "out" as a rotten place to be. One voice is our higher self and one is the disease.

Take care of YOU. I really belive we can learn to "parent" ourselves, and no, it won't change the past, but since that's not possible, I say the goal is to feel better, loved and hopeful, and that IS within your power.

You are brave and strong to quit drinking, please let us know how you're feeling.

Along the way, I had things that were part of my life that were not the norm for most. The good thing, I accept them for what they are. I have no control over what someone else does yet I have control over myself and my actions.

I know I wouldn't be the person today if it wasn't for all my past experience.

Seems like you are carrying the hod of bricks on your back today......you don't need to. You are doing what you need to do TODAY, the rest will follow.

I loved the firsts as it meant I was always a bit further away from my old self....as the Big Book promises 'we are reborn'.

(that aside, my sister and my niece came back into my life after 15 years as a result of the steps...my sister didn't hang around yet my niece did...you never know what this program will bring...you never know where it will take you...that is one precious gift)

Hey Anne, sounds like you've got a lot of pain going on. It takes a long time, with people like our parents, to work through the deep, intense feelings. Be self accepting, you're doing really well to be sober. There's no timetable on when you should be free of anger or pain or grief or anything, so don't let anyone tell there is. I hated my dad for 20 years after he died, and it took the help of another person to finally let go. I could say I still hate the kind of abuse that went on, but I no longer feel resentment towards dad. All the best, you might 'get there' a lot quicker than me. The best thing I ever learnt in all of this was self acceptance. good luck.

Hello anned22,

Being at Step 3, you have an opportunity to shape how you will deal with your immediate and long-term future. This is where many people fall down, simple because they fail to grasp the full magnitude of what is on offer in this step. If you gain an understanding of Step 3 and crucially, put it to use, you will not fear any other Step.

Although Step 3 is only about making a decision, it is the beginning of the process of change that will enable you to deal with life in a better way. The Step 3 decision is followed by action, starting with Step 4 and it is that action that will allow you to confront things like your relationship with your father. Make use of the Step 3 prayer on page 63 of the Big Book and you will not fear any other step.

Dont look too far ahead to things that are to come; when you get around to those things your thinking will be different and you will be better able to deal with them. That is why it is so important to do the Steps in the sequence in which they are laid out in the Big Book. It is a journey of progress and that means that you are never confronted with a hurdle that you cannot overcome.

ODAAT
From "The Missing Link":
"Exactly how was I supposed to not drink if my girlfriend breaks up with me, or if my best friend dies, or even through happy times like graduations, weddings, and birthdays. They suggested I could just stay sober one day at a time. They explained that it might be easier to set my sights on the twenty-four hours in front of me and to take on these other situations when and if they ever arrived. I decided to give sobriety a try, one day at a time, and I've done it that way ever since."

2001 AAWS, Inc., Fourth Edition; Alcoholics Anonymous, pg. 286-87