I work at a sobriety center and have the oportunity to meet many people. Some in recovery, some in denial, and some just right out using. Through looking at myself at various times, and watching others. I am blessed with all kinds of things. What has crossed my mind lately is how lazy we can become with sobriety. When I first came around A.A. I expected that things would change. They told me many things that would bring about change. They told me to go to meetings, get a sponsor, work the steps, phone another alcoholic each day. These things are relatively easy to do, but we can complicate the shit out of things by making excuses to not do them. As alcoholics, I worked extremly hard at F---ing up my life. It was easy and the most natural thing for me to do. And it made sense to me. For thirty years I did that 24-7. it was hard work f---ing up my li8fe, but everyday I looked foreward to it. But now that I have chosen recovery I find at times that even the most minimal things to get better, I can try to not do. Sometimes to read that Big Book can be so hard. It can seem like it weighs a thousand pounds. I can put any other thing before it, and have a reason. This time around I have decided to do what I heard at one of the treatment centers that I went to. I remember that they told me that you have to do your recovery the same as you did F---ing up your life. I worked extremly hard at F---ing up my life, like I said it was 24-7. I decided the first day that I stopped drinking that I wanted a life. I wanted to live and grow. I didn't want to die the life of a drunk. All alone wishing you were dead, and to scared to off yourself. I took that advice from that treatment center and I apply it to my life everyday now. I have gone all out to have recovery. To me recovery means life. A chance to grow and learn to live, to experience peace, jou, happiness, and a fullfilment of each day knowing that you have done the best that you can for that day. When I drank I could only dream of the things that I wanted to do and feel sorry for myself because of my inability to do anything. Alcohol was just sucking the life right out of me and I was helpless to do anything about it. This time around I am doing my recovery the same as I did my using. The results have been astounding. In the first thirty days I have gotten a job that truly is a blessing. I actually look foreward to going to work. The enviroment is great, the people are great, ansd I'm doing the profesion that I have always loved to do. I spent lots of time looking for this type of job. I learned from the past that not just any job is good. I worked at lots of things, but have found that if you are not happy with what you do, it's not worth it to me. And it will most likely take me back to drinking if I'm not happy. By volunteering here at the center I also have the oportunity to focus on recovery all day. Before I used to go home. I would sit and think about how much I've f---ed up my life, all the stupid things that I did to my family. I would compare myself with others who have spent their lives working for what they have, but I would wonder how come I can't have a life like theirs. Now their have been times that I go to work with only a few hours of sleep, and I find that I can still feel great. even when I drank to pass out, I could never feel rested because alcohol sucked every bit of strength out of me. Half the time I was so tired I couldn't even shave or get in the shower. No, now I choose to live my recovery to the fullest, and like I said, I am reaping the benefits of it. Already I have a bank account again, I can buy new clothes, I can buy food, most of all I am recovering. I pick up my Big Book, even when I don't want to. I go to my meetings, I started to put things before this but have stopped. Meetings are an important part of recovery. It allowsw us to be with people that understand us. We can receive love from others that normal people just cannot give. I'm also working the steps with a group of men. I didn't want to do this either, but this is how you recover. I'm astounded by the number of people in A.A. that don't work the steps. They got no time, too busy. If the peace. and happiness I feel lately are any indication of the benefits to come with recovery, then I want more. I've had to deal with swome issues that made me feel bad too, I've made some mistakes, but I know I'm human and I will make mistakes. But they sure as hell don't compare with the things I did while drinking. Getting through them are really not hard as long as you get off your ass and keep pushing ahead. I have no time to be depressed or sad now. I used to love doing that. "Sorry, got no time to go to a meeting. Gotta rush home and think about my wife and kids, then after contiplate suicide." No, for me I love to keep my feet moving in recovery. Try to always do something. I don't want to be lazy anymore. I want to live, thank God.
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