There is no such thing as negative venting. If a person cannot come here to vent then where should they go. For those of us who were treated badly growing up, we already have self-esteem issues. It takes alot to vent here. It takes alot to put yourself out there. It takes alot to try to be as honest as we can be.
As far as getting over it is concerned, I was in group therapy a long time ago. It was an ACOA group, Adult Children of Alcoholics. There was a man in the group who was in his 60's. He never got over it and he committed suicide by drowning himself at the beach. We found out in group what had happened to him and we were shocked beyond belief. He was a good, kind man but he couldn't get over it. Some of us carry a huge burden all our lives.
If the two people in the world who were supposed to "have our backs" and guide us through life were mean, horrible, human beings, then it's really hard to just "get over it".

Amen Brooklin.

my grandma was an acohloic and a mother severley mentally ill and abusive

Okay, well I don't use this as an excuse and it has been a place that I have grown from, but I was sexually abused from 7-14 by a live in nanny and my mother knew it was going on. How did she know? I told her twice and it never stopped, so as a child I accepted that it was fine and all okay. Turns out she was screwing my dad at will as well. My parents were rarely present. When my dad died, he named me executor of his estate and it resulted in my mother suing me. It lasted 5 plus years, going to trial in the 4th year with the jury ruling against her, then finally in the 5th plus year the last appeal possible being at the state supreme court ruled against her finding in favor of the original judge and jury's ruling.

So, yes my parents sucked. I don't blame it on my alcoholism, it is just a part of who I am and I have grown from it. Dealing with it in therapy was important and just realizing that it is part of me, and finding out that others have lots of their own shit, some lots worse than me, helps me to just deal with life as it is, life.

Do I have shit to get over? Yes. Have I gotten over a lot of my shit? Yes. Have I done some forgiving? Yes. Do I forgive everyone? No. Fuck no. Do I carry resentment to those that I don't forgive? No. I just feel sorry for them that as people on this earth that they suck so bad. I trust the my God or my Higher Power has put them on earth to help others learn lessons and grow themselves. There is a reason why there are people who really suck who seem to get a pass in life, it is just an equalization of all the karma. But karma can be counted on for sure. And I know I can count on my God and my Higher Power.

I hear you whodathunk. I relate for sure to what it feels like having folks who couldn't look after themselves, let alone me or other dependants. Spent half my childhood being taught to shut up and disappear, half being asked to step up and take care of everybody. Abuse of all sorts there but never ever talked about (and we still don't), so all seemed normal, and when not normal definitely forbidden, family secrets stuff...just confusing for a sensitive soul and with no way of verbalising why it didn't feel right. When I set out at 18 I swore blind my childhood was hunky-dory, it made me the regular success that I was.

Lay all that down and cram 15 more years of drinking, not talking, not feeling on top of that and I had (have) some unpicking to do. This stuff isn't going to disappear overnight, with or without a God of my understanding.

Mostly, I can be "not angry" with my family when they're not around. Whatever anyone else thinks, this is progress for me. I can often be civil or even loving with them, face to face. I don't always lash out at other random people in my life as if they we're my folks and ought to look after me the way they never did. I could always look at my family and say "these are sick people", but can I truly put it all down and live my life to the fullest regardless of what did/didn't happen? It's hard for me, no apologies for that to others on the recovery path, this is my journey and more and more I realise I need to share it when it might be useful. All of this is a work in progress, and when it's not painful it's interesting.

Most importantly, nobody is responsible for my alcohol-ism today. If I'm not willing to work on my spiritual condition in spite of, or because of all of the above and it takes me to a drink...well that's what it is. I wasn't willing, can't blame another soul.

Whatever peoples experience or journey is with this stuff, I wish them well with it. No way in the world that taking a drink will help me get to the bottom of it.

P

Thanks for sharing. It really helps to be able to tell people what you went through. When I was in group therapy, every time I told a story about what emotional abuse had been inflicted on me by my parents, they fully understood. I told a story once about how frightened I was when my mother (drunk at the time) sent my father (suffering from a blackout at the time) to my house. I had hung up on her because she was drunk and verbally abusive. She sent my father over to my house and when I went outside to see him, I could tell he was suffering from a blackout. I was terrified. I had two small children in the house. When he left, I wrote the phone number of the local police department on the front and back wall of my house.
It wasn't until I told that story to the people in the ACOA group that my feelings were validated. One person asked me how I had survived that incident as she found it truly horrifying. It was the first time anyone had validated my feelings on what happened that day.
In an alcoholic household these things are never spoken of. They get sober for awhile and no one brings up the bad stuff.
I know that having our feelings validated is very very important.
I shared my story with ten people every Saturday for a year and a half. Those people saved my life. I will be grateful to them forever.

By the way, I was lucky enough to hear the Dalai Lama give a public talk this year. He spoke at length about the importance of the maternal relationship in forming a healthy, happy human being...encouraging mothers to do their best in childrearing. He also said that while it is important to learn to view our family with compassion, it is often very helpful to seek out a counsellor or psychotherapist to deal with difficult situations.

It seemed refreshing to me - a man who spends 5 hours a day in meditation, and yet his advice was very straight-forward and down to earth.

P