best thing for me is to get out of my own head. work with others. if you can, find a detox and work with another alcoholic. it has done wonders for my recovery and it sure puts the stuff you described in perspective.

When you have suicdal thoughts the best anser is professional help. Do not waste time. Get it now!

Go for a walk. Cry, pray, be grateful for what you do have. 4 years sobriety? That is big. That is big, big, big greatness! BIG!!! I am jealous. I am really jealous. Envious? Both. Wrong to feel that way but it's honest. I think we can all relate to suicidal thoughts. I don't so much want to kill myself as just wish I was never born. One day at a time, linalq1. Journal. That's always a good one. 4 years sobriety. That is BIG!!! Give yourself a break. Forgive yourself. I don't know.....what do I know...

you need to talk with a professional. There is no shame in it, it is just a stepping stone to getting better. Reach out in your area and get a referral, please

you need to talk with a professional. There is no shame in it, it is just a stepping stone to getting better. Reach out in your area and get a referral, please

You do need to see about some professional help if you are having suicidal thoughts. If you do not check in immediatly the try to journal what is bother you. You may try finding and AA location that has a location that is open for you to go sit. You could journal there and maybe you will find someone that can listen and get you through this right now before you pick up a drink. Good luck

I am seeing a clinical psycologist once every few weeks but its no good, im supposed to be on medication but i am not going back on those they make me feel worse.

Have you tried other medications that may help you? Everyone is differnet what works for one may not another. We know the pharmicutical companies load them out there for us. lol

sorry, i did not mean to post twice earlier. For some reason my DS site is getting very slow?
Talk to your Dr. , you will usually have to try different meds before they find what works for you. Don't give up, 4 years is a big deal !!

We sure can get crazy. It's amazing where my head can take me.
Well, I think it's the middle of the night over there, but get out and get moving. If you pray, this would be the time.

Medication can be rough. It could be you need to have it changed. And if you just dropped of them when this all started, it could be the problem, and you should start taking them again.

You're just being a typical drunk with the All or Nothing thinking. It's either black or white, right?

My Sponsor had to point out the grey areas in my life until I could find them myself.

Grey area = options.

I would definitely get to a meeting to clear your head & talk about it. Otherwise you could be sabotoging your relationship.
ItsMyLife said it all when she said you need to get out of your own head.
Read all these posts because they all have excellent ideas.

Don't forget, you are recovering from a disease & there are things that will keep you from picking up the next drink.
YOU CAN DO IT, Right?!!

Thanks everyone for your replys just got back from a meeting did not think it helped me much at the time, but now im home i feel a lot better, things seem a lot clearer. I cant understand why i let myself get like that, its scary an its been happening alot lately. Thanks again

Get some anger management and learn some life skills, like journaling and mediation. Get some therapy is very helpful.

"typicle drunk" seems a bit harsh, taloola. More than a bit harsh. Abusive comes to mind but I won't go that far. I've been called a stupid, generous drunk. By my sister that benefited by thousands of dollars by my generosity. Typical drunk? That is just mean. There is no typical drunk. Now you made me mad.

Pride, and ego, will kill you.

Look squarely at the truth.

Your fiance is not the problem. You are.

She is not the one responsible for "me being like this". You are giving her the power.

What did she say? What did you say? What did you do?

Guru