Ashley,

One of the main criteria I've used when choosing a sponsor is how much common sense they show in dealing with other facets of life. Offhand I'd say this woman's lack of it is a big red flag, and I'd suggest getting away from her as fast as possible.

lol, I have debated it before...but she is a good woman and really does do the work in AA, she takes it really serious....I didnt really even know her before I asked her to sponsor me, just knew I needed someone...
And I am just now getting to step 3 after 5 months :-/ or 4 months of working with her...
But she has gotten better recently about meeting with me, now that I come to her house, lol
I am not sure what to do...she is really into AA though...and she is easy to talk to...
idk

Maybe you could ask her why she said it and share you concerns with her as to whether she doesnt listen or doesnt believe what you say. A relationship with a sponsor should be honest so it is really the best idea to tell her what is going on. I used to question my sponsor all the time about things she said, concerns I had etc. She was the first person that i said "I am angry with you" to. All hard at the time but it meant we built an amazingly open relationship and also helped me a great deal in my relationships with other people.

Yeah, I think you are right Nicky..its not the easiest thing to do but I am sure the right thing!
Ugh, I am not good at these things...but I know I need to be...

social clumsyness does not mean a sponsor is not the greatest...sponsors Nemo are drunks....we forget stuff and there is a we make stuff up too factor to some drunks....so having honesty is important...I think that her involvement in your life is helping her....I would stick it out...many people are socailly clumsy....cannot tell their head from hole in ground on some seemily little minute stuff...

she may just have used that statement as a filler in conversation at that point not knowing what else to say to toss it back to you...she avoided it in a way by deflecting to your bottom when you confronted her...which is sign that she wanted to cut the shit...sometimes I think the shit I am interested in everyone should be but NO not true....many of the small insignificant detailed info ruins me when I am talking to someone...like pole vaulting over rat turds....this may just be the case here...as I would not want a hot seat question posed to me I would let it go as a clumsy error of social graces of memory about you and your stand in AA.....she goofed let it go...hugs bill

Honesty and trust are the basis for any intimate relationship. Relationship with my sponsor MUST in many ways be intimate. IOW I share many personal feelings, fears and thoughts that I would not share with just anyone or even many friends. If I didn't absolutely trust that she can listen and keep a confidence and be honest with me then the sponsor thing just wouldn't work for me.

Try again to ask "why"...if you continue to feel she either doesn't listen to you or trusts you then you perhaps do need to look for another sponsor.

Personally, I took my time choosing a sponsor. As much as sobriety itself, I wanted to be restored to sanity and liberated from the character defects that were preventing me from living the life I really wanted, and I simply couldn't bring myself to trust people in AA who couldn't think clearly outside the recovery box or who had to be obsessed with it 24/7.

How many sponsees is your Sponsor working with? Sometimes, I forget who said what. I go to a lot of the AA assemblies and workshops and I talk to so many women in AA, I forget who said what sometimes. At one time, I had 7 sponsees. Whew! Too much.

I certainly do not expect anyone to remember details about me - or even remember my name for that matter!

We have to remember Rule 62 - "Don't take yourself too seriously." haha. (can be found on page 149 of the 12x12). I only say this because I did the same thing. I read way too much into what people thought of me or ... didn't think of me.

Give your sponsor a break - she's just another person that wants to help - who is also on her own adventure of sobriety. I sure hope that my sponsees learn from my mistakes! But, I always say ... communication goes a long way. Tell her how you are feeling ... she may not be aware of it ... or she may have a similar story of feeling like you do - to share with you!

Sponsors are not our higher power. As a Sponsor, I am certainly not anyone's higher power - nor do I aspire to be.

One of the legendary figures in AA in New England was a newspaper man named Lew Waterman, and he was known to sponsor upwards of 70 newbies at a time. One of those sponsees in the late 60's, now himself sober for for almost 42 years, called him on the absurdity of this endeavor.

"That's ridiculous," said my friend. "How can you tell which of the 70 are getting ready to pick up a drink?"

"That's easy," said Lew. "They call me up first and they all say the same thing."

"Impossible," said my friend. "They can't possibly all say the same thing."

"Yeah, they do."

"What?"

"Lew, I've been thinking, and..."

Hahahahaha. That's good, Nemo!

Ashley,

Remember that your sponsor is an alcoholic who is striving towards progress but will never be perfect.

I know from my own experience that we sometimes react wrongly to innocent remarks and blow them out of proportion. I did that in a big way a few times recently and the price I paid was weeks of feeling unhappy and doubtful. What I knew but still had some difficulty in accepting is that it was not important if the other person was right or wrong. What mattered was my reaction to what was said. My pride and ego were hurt and this is what caused me to feel hurt and wronged. It took time but by working on those defects of character, within ME it was possible to resume normal service.

Cut your sponsor some slack and accept that she is allowed to make mistakes. When you get to Steps 4 and 5 you will learn how to react differently to such situations. If it is still bothering you, talk it over honestly with your sponsor but remember that it is not her who must change but you.

Maybe it would be a good idea to forget what she said to you and get on with working the steps - this is what should be concerning you, that you have been working with her for four months but are only on Step 3.

I'm partway between what everyone said. Sponsors are just recovering alki's like us now matter how many years they have up and how well they pitch from the floor and we all forget stuff. Most times, comments like that are not said in malice (although, truthfully, there can be manipuation that goes on, and it's a long learning curve to pick that out), just people having Senior Moments, whether they are Seniors or not. AND we don't usually know what's going on in the most intimate parts of their lives, the stressors, the physsical illnesses, the family or work hassles, mental health issues - it's not their role to tell us all that - although of course we need to share some stuff otherwise each will never know whether the sponsoship is the right fit.

At the same time, we are spreading out our whole life in front of this person and it is one of THE MOST vulnerable of emotional scenarios that we can be in. So there HAS to be trust and in many cases, in my experiene, not just with sposnor scenarios in AA, once the trust is gone it's dang hard, if not impossible to get it back. So I agree with others to have a chat with her, don't worry about getting every word right - even tell her you have to chat with her but your nervous. Use the "I felt X when you said X" strategy rather than the "You did this to me" strategy. The former is less likely to get her on the defensive, although she still might and if she does go on the defensive you may learn more about her than in the whole time you've been working with her.

Having, I did all that with my most recent sponsor, who was vacillating wildly between being sickly sycophantic, ie bolstering my ego by saying I was going to be a "corporate superstar" when re-entering the workforce after losing my whole career several years be fore due to mental illness. I had explained and explained to her that that was falsly boostering my ego and I might not even be able to stay in the said job - which in the end I couldn't, to swing wildly over to the other side and take my inventory right out of context and evne right in the middle of discussion meetings!!?? I went through all of this with her in a civilised manner because I really wanted to make sure we were both clear about issues - including being totally open to any gripes she had with me. At the end of that process she pulled the "mental health card" and said, and I quote directly, "I'll just need to remember you're more delicate mentally than I thought". Exit Stage Left for Wendy!! LOL

I always tell new sponsees that their Step 5 is safe with me because 2 hours later, I will have forgotten the whole damn thing! It's that time when you have to shake your head and accept that the memory is not what it was! Now what was it??lol

Sponsors are human just like us. Be honest with her and then let it go.

AA conventions are a big deal for a lot of people and go to them often. Maybe, just maybe, she thought since you've been around the rooms of AA for some years that you might have attended one once.

Since your post was a few days ago, I hope this was worked out and all is well by now. :-)

Hugs!
~Chris