Alcoholism Support Group
Alcoholism is the continued consumption of alcoholic beverages, even when it is negatively affecting your health, work, relationships and life. If you think alcohol is causing you to lose control, it's time to seek help. Our group is a safe place to vent, check in, get back up if you fall, and reach sobriety.
Just came across some sobriety funnies and thought I'd share. Add your own too and we'll see how many we can get.
Happy Labor day to the Americans and have a good Monday to the rest of the world.
1.) How many alcoholics does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one - he holds the light bulb and the whole world revolves around him.
2.) A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.
In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we all know, kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers.
3.) A new definition for 13th stepping....
Steps 1 + 12, "My life is unmanageable and I want to share it with you!"
Happy Labor day to the Americans and have a good Monday to the rest of the world.
1.) How many alcoholics does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one - he holds the light bulb and the whole world revolves around him.
2.) A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.
In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we all know, kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers.
3.) A new definition for 13th stepping....
Steps 1 + 12, "My life is unmanageable and I want to share it with you!"
Down South we call them "soda crackers" hee hee...
Prayers for your tater salad being non mushy...lol! :)
EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation
GOSSIP: A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage
PARADOX (par'-u-doks'): Two physicians.
SELFISH: What the owner of a seafood store does.
VUJA DE: The Feeling You've Never Been Here
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What is the biggest problem for an atheist? No one to talk to during orgasm.
1. I decided I could handle any emotional problems if other people would just quit trying to run my life.
2. I firmly believe that there is no greater power than myself and anyone who says differently is insane.
3. I made a decision to remove my will and my life from God, who didn't understand me anyway.
4. I made a searching and thorough moral inventory of everyone I know, so they couldn't fool me and take advantage of my good nature.
5. I sought these people out and tried to get them to admit to me, by God, the exact nature of their wrongs.
6. I became willing to help these people get rid of their defects of character.
7. I was humble enough to ask these people to remove their shortcomings.
8. I kept a list of all the people who had harmed me, and waited patiently for a chance to get even.
9. I got even with these people whenever possible except when to do so would get me into trouble.
10. I continue to take everyone's inventory and when they are wrong, which is most of the time, I promptly make them admit it.
11. Sought through the concentration of my willpower to get God, who didn't understand me anyhow, to see that my desires were best, and He ought to give me the power to carry them out.
12. Having maintained my emotional problems with these steps, I can thoroughly recommend them to others who don't want to lose their hard-earned status, but wish to be left alone to practice neurosis in everything they do for the rest of their days.
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They each bought a pint of Guinness. Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage, three flies land in each of their pints, and were stuck in the thick head. The Englishman pushed his beer away in disgust. The Scotsman fished the fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing happened. The Irishman too, picked the fly out of his drink but then held it out over the beer and yelled "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT, YOU BASTARD!!!!"
This guy buys an old bottle at a yard sale. Upon polishing the bottle, a magical genie suddenly appears. The genie exclaims, ''Thanks for letting me out of the bottle, I've been in there for a long time. I'll grant you one wish."
'I've always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I'm afraid to fly and I get sea sick, so build me a road.''
That's too hard, got any other ideas?'' replied the genie.
''OK,'' replied the guy, ''I can't control my drinking once I have the first drink and if I stop I can't stay stopped. I want to be able to drink like a normal person.
The genie replies, ''Two lanes or four?'''
A recovering alcoholic.
Hee Hee Haa Haa =)
|=)
So, these 2 drunks are driving down the highway, JUST PLASTERED from their stop at the pub and they're drinking bottled beer to boot.
Pretty soon, they see the red lights behind them and the passenger says, "Oh crap!! We're busted for sure!" But the driver says, "Don't worry about it, just pull the label off your beer, stick it on your forehead, and let me do all the talking". OK??
The cop comes up to the window, asks the driver for his license and registration, and also asks the driver if he'd been drinking. "No sir" says the driver.
Copper says, "You were weaving all over the road and going a bit slow....you sure you haven't been drinking?"
Driver says, "No Sir". So the cop asks, "Then why do you two have those labels on your forehead?"
And the driver replies, "Cuz' we're alcoholics and we're on the patch!"
LMAO
Thanks all!