Alcoholism Support Group
Alcoholism is the continued consumption of alcoholic beverages, even when it is negatively affecting your health, work, relationships and life. If you think alcohol is causing you to lose control, it's time to seek help. Our group is a safe place to vent, check in, get back up if you fall, and reach sobriety.
Greetings! It is 11:11 i am noticing.
Where do i begin?
My alcoholic guilt almost always doubles down on gambling. Can't go on a bender wo another bender. Won $400 off $10 on a NEW casino app in my state. Had the sense to withdraw it. Did i have the sense to not redeposit it? Of course not. I likely laundered money for them in the course of this mad fury lock with dumb ass flashy lights game.
Why? Why sabotage a good thing? We suffer, as my husband speaks Russian and that's in their blood, but it could be worse. I don't know why i can be on point, the belle of the ball, creative fairy just dominating everything i touch..until..
I need that dopamine man. I get so depressed from the depressant that i need to stitch it back together. I need that feel good endorphin & i fight with him a lot. Let me have some fucking space. My God.
My husband is a true rare creature. He is irreplaceable, the real thing. I can't take his shit half the time. Aren't all marriage contracts some Handmaid's Tale bullshit? Like i have to negotiate my every move. I have to SERVE SERVE SERVE.
Fuck it!! Blaat to you sir. Imma sit my flat flabby white girl butt down.
He is trying, however. Most would think he's a prince among men. I know his creative energy is so powerful that if it's not being used constructively it's destructivly ..oft toward my failure to create a perfect world that doesn't suck for him. Have you heard my complaints of the morning? Here is an extensive list, try not to kill yourself. A black energy sucks it all out of the room, chasing my affection away.
As cool as i may appear, I am mostly lame. People described me as Sally Struthers & Sandy Duncan in High School. I was that at 18..pfff
Anyway.
I would love to fantasize that i am a cool girl, but facts are facts, Zendaya would never talk 2 me. If she did i would totally blow it and say something crazy, that's my brand i guess.
I'm not as wild as my the isolated wild things I've done in my youth. I love domestic life, tbh. I love Good Bones & Home Town. I love seeing houses transformed. I love the idea of building furniture, but now I'm just a middle age hoarder of wood and broken furniture that never gets made into the fabulous thing i imagine. My neighbors hate me.
So here i am. I guess the dopamine cycle must be it. We are such slaves to our body chemistry. There are stories of Parkinson patients developing profound gambling addictions due to their medication. To think it was preferable to deal with tremors than lose your house to the casino. One lady made that choice, knew she would never stop.
That was a biochemical thing, like my need to plug my brain into some addiction because i am at a reset. I will have new strategies and take this demon down. Don't underestimate me.
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check out that smoke ring. It tasted really good. I smothered it with Maulls BBQ sauce which is Local to St. Louis and one of the best I ever had.....
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I was recently separated from my wife of 33 years and it's complicated. Anyway I rented a room about 15 minutes away and I see my kids about once a week. I see the people who own the house I live in once in a while but other than that I stay in my room where I do my cooking, wash dishes in the shower, read, color, and sleep. I get out at least once a day. I grocery shop and I attend 2 meetings...
I worked on Foxwoods casino and was putting the last restaurants together while they were open. New shiny place that was pulling people in. I had as much overtime as I wanted and would work late every other night. Walking a half mile to my truck at midnight through the crowds. One night I passed a middle aged guy hitting and kicking an ATM in fury. The desperation was palpable. In two years there I didn’t drop a quarter because of that guy. Freaked me out.
However every bar I finished I had the opportunity to break in before my drive home.
How I’ve never even put a dent in a vehicle is a miracle.
My insurance company considers me a perfect driver..... if they only knew.
I feel lame when I think my present self is defined by my past self. Every morning when I work out for 30 minutes I have a productive day.
Those feel good chemicals just inspire me to take my life back.
I highly recommend this.
I still think you’re cool.
And Jase, I have seen those people outside of gambling venues that have lost all their money and are so defeated..................................I used to be one of those people, now, I refuse to hand my money over to a machine that is going to gobble it up, poker machines don't care that people can't pay their bills, or that they destroy lives, they just want to suck all that money out of us, give us a pissy little win to keep us playing, odds are stacked against us, I don't know anyone that has become a millionaire from gambling, it's a fools game and preys on the impulsivity/compulsivity of addiction, just like alcohol, thank God I stopped gambling & the drinking, I saw the light :)
I highly recommend mediatation to help stay present..
I dip my toe into the phone gambling thing from time to time, then need to self-exclude before it takes all I've got. I excluded for 3 months as i am aware that it is so easy to fall into when u can do it from home. We have a casino 30 minutes away & i can't take a bank card in there unless i want to blow my life up. I have a stack into the sky of things i need to do, and things i like to do, and yet losing money has such an appeal. Friggin haywire brain.