Alcoholism Support Group
Alcoholism is the continued consumption of alcoholic beverages, even when it is negatively affecting your health, work, relationships and life. If you think alcohol is causing you to lose control, it's time to seek help. Our group is a safe place to vent, check in, get back up if you fall, and reach sobriety.
My ADDICTION tells me I want to drink still, but I can tell you for sure I DON'T want to drink. It's like having 2 personalities both fully aware of each other.
The voice of my ADDICTION is my INSANITY and it speaks up when it feels threatened by permanent sobriety or when my SANE and SOBER self is weak, such as when triggers or anxiety arise. It is always lurking in the shadows.
I am getting good at recognizing when Insanity is peering around the corner. I feel it. It tries to set me up. It convinces me to tell my husband to leave town to visit his family because it knows I will be weak. It starts to dwell on past pain because it wants me to feel like I have permission to give in. It tells me to cut back on meetings because I need balance. It tells me to turn on music that triggers me. It forces me to consider "What if" I drank. Sometimes it even tells me I might not be a real alcoholic. At it's worst, it tells me I should trade my life and all my blessings for another drink. This is my "Cunning, Baffling, and Powerful".
My Insanity is actually stronger than my Sanity once it gets a foothold. Sane self loses the ability to think or control. There are things I do so that Insanity won't get me.
I ROB my Insanity of it's power.
1) I make known to friends and/or my sponsor ways I am setting myself up.
2) I make commitments to others days or weeks in advance.
3) I schedule things with people who will hold me accountable.
4) I share my insane thoughts when they arise.
5) If I am to the point, I can no longer even ask for the obsession to be removed, I will say the words anyway.
6) I go to a mtg before I pick up.
7) I promise friends I will call before I pick up.
These are my weapons. These things save me when Insanity hits. If I REALLY want to stay sober, these are things I MUST do BEFORE Insanity arrives, BEFORE the CRAVINGS hit, if possible, and at least before I pick up a drink.
Does this make sense to anyone?
Ignorance was Bliss for my Insanity. It kept getting me, but I have kept getting smarter. I can no longer plead innocence if I relapse. I know the steps to take. It is my Sane CHOICE whether to take them or not.
The voice of my ADDICTION is my INSANITY and it speaks up when it feels threatened by permanent sobriety or when my SANE and SOBER self is weak, such as when triggers or anxiety arise. It is always lurking in the shadows.
I am getting good at recognizing when Insanity is peering around the corner. I feel it. It tries to set me up. It convinces me to tell my husband to leave town to visit his family because it knows I will be weak. It starts to dwell on past pain because it wants me to feel like I have permission to give in. It tells me to cut back on meetings because I need balance. It tells me to turn on music that triggers me. It forces me to consider "What if" I drank. Sometimes it even tells me I might not be a real alcoholic. At it's worst, it tells me I should trade my life and all my blessings for another drink. This is my "Cunning, Baffling, and Powerful".
My Insanity is actually stronger than my Sanity once it gets a foothold. Sane self loses the ability to think or control. There are things I do so that Insanity won't get me.
I ROB my Insanity of it's power.
1) I make known to friends and/or my sponsor ways I am setting myself up.
2) I make commitments to others days or weeks in advance.
3) I schedule things with people who will hold me accountable.
4) I share my insane thoughts when they arise.
5) If I am to the point, I can no longer even ask for the obsession to be removed, I will say the words anyway.
6) I go to a mtg before I pick up.
7) I promise friends I will call before I pick up.
These are my weapons. These things save me when Insanity hits. If I REALLY want to stay sober, these are things I MUST do BEFORE Insanity arrives, BEFORE the CRAVINGS hit, if possible, and at least before I pick up a drink.
Does this make sense to anyone?
Ignorance was Bliss for my Insanity. It kept getting me, but I have kept getting smarter. I can no longer plead innocence if I relapse. I know the steps to take. It is my Sane CHOICE whether to take them or not.
Forgive me if I am failing to recognize some important AA strategies here. It sounds like since you recognize this insane side - doesn't that awareness give you the power to rein it in?
You say "ignorance is bliss for your insanity". If this ignorance is part of you, aren't you enabling it/making it stronger by giving it so very much acknowledgement?
My Insanity IS powerful. MY insanity. Powerful. Like a freight train. That kind of powerful. Is. Once I get to a certain point with the obsession, I CAN'T stop myself from drinking - at least has seemed the case in the past. This makes sense to me and likely others who know the insanity I describe.
Not really any AA strategies here, just using the suggestions they give to prepare for cravings.
Ignorance allowed me the excuse to drink, ie "bliss" for my insanity. I know the solution now. I know what I need to do. I am accepting accountability for myself. Pissing in my own beer if you will.
I asked if it made sense to anyone else because it may not. I suspect some will understand, some won't. THIS is helping me. I hope it helps someone else.
It gives me the power to deter it, yes. That's kind of my point.
Thanks for your comment :).
You need to get over this hump-and I do believe this is a hump that will become less and less pervasive with sober time under your belt.
I know you are nixing rehab now-but for me when I got this way it was my only solution.
Now I am not plagued by this with booze-but remember all too well dear friend.
I used a lot of the techniques you mention to try and give myself relief at those times. Some times they worked but sometimes they didnt. For me the only way I could stay sober continiously was to take the 12 steps and from that I was restored to sanity and have not had that battle going on for a long time.
The only way I can stay sober is to not have the battle going on. If it goes on to long I will always lose. As described on page 37 of the big book - the irrational will beat the rational eventually.
I also couldnt listen to people who dismissed the power of that insanity/obsession, i cannot speak for others but left untreated it is powerful enough to kill me.
Keep using whatever you can to keep safe in the short term but based on my own experience, take the steps as soon as you can. Those techniques will not work forever if you are like me.
There comes a time we just need to stay in the day and simplify are program. Again just my exp.
THIS obsession has "gotten" me enough times, I don't want it to happen again, and until the obsession is gone I have to do what I can to deter it. This is my strategy. It has worked in the last 100 days. This hard for me to do - rat out my insanity - but it is real and it is a threat. This is me going to another length. This is what I am doing differently this time.
Anybody that don't work that hard at the beginning is setting themselves up for failure.
I believe things become habitual as you work the steps with your life.
Sometimes I will even admit to the obsession being gone. There is a big difference between a thought and obsession.
My bullshit thoughts are properly handled these days without all the mental masturbation.
I just keep doing what I was told to do on day one.
Thanx for the good reads lately. lates