Not unusual for the professional community to 'prescribe' something like this my opinion is because there not educated on the disease if alcoholism that's why I believe if you can find professionals that's been there instead of just being book smart is always the bet way to go.

Just my opinion on the other I would not let the person dictate to you what her wants and needs are obviously her thinking on the matter hasn't worked out to well. Might want to find someone that is wiling to take some direction.

I have heard of people having multiple sponsors...

I thought of having 2 when I was afraid to abandon the one I didn't want to work with anymore. You might ask what her motive is?

I have many people who help me. I make some of my own decisions on how to handle things but I never pit them against each other.

This can be a tricky one to give feedback on because there are so many different views on sponsorship - but I will try and help you from the way I was taught to sponsor and what works for me.

When someone asks me to sponsor them we have a chat before I say yes. I explain how I sponsor and ask them how keen they are to get started on the Steps (if they identify as alcoholic from the first few chapters of the Big Book). If they are keen to get started and we make some agreements that work both ways, I take them on. That way there can be no misunderstanding and we both know what to expect.

I view sponsorship as purely a job to show someone through the Steps and share my experience with them along the way. Once they have completed that journey I will continue to sponsor them if they want me to, to help them on their way into sponsoring others.

I am happy for a sponsee to back out of our agreement at any time and go to another sponsor but I don't believe in a person having two sponsors - that just leads to confusion.

If a person wants me to sponsor them because they need a counsellor or a friend or want to try different methods of recovery at the same time, I am not the sponsor for them.

I offer to be a listening ear and be friendly but I will not sponsor them. I encourage them to look for someone else.

Hope this helps, what does your own sponsor think? My sponsor has about 20 years experience and I don't know what I would do without her, there are all sorts of odd situations come up with new sponsees sometimes! She's seen pretty much all of them whereas I am a beginner in comparison!

Hope this helps in some way.

Gailly, Thank you so much for your response. You addressed all my concerns.

My biggest concern being the 5th step. I think if I did my 4th & 5th step with two sponsors, I would pick and choose what I heard from both sponsors and take the "softer, easier" alternative.

I, like many others, have many people I turn to for support, advice and insight. But I had only one sponsor to guide me through the Steps. I agree that two sponsors may cause confusion.

Agreed, if the 5th Step is vague (not shared wholely with one sponsor) it is sure to have an unsatisfactory effect with helping the sponsee through the rest of the Steps - i.e. 6 through 9 because of them all being connected to the outcome of 4 and 5.

Glad I could help a bit.

BTW, Gailly, I have a call into my sponsor. But I would be very surprised if her answer was not very similar to yours. Your thoughts are along the line of mine, I just wanted to check my motives.

Honest question....

Why do sponsors place any expectations on their sponsees?

Isn't this, in it's own way, an effort to control?

I don't mean to "challenge" anyone. I have wondered about this for awhile.

I am not a sponsor. I have a sponsor who has taken the approach with me of providing guidance, but she leaves it to me what I choose to do and when. She often reminds me, "You will do it when you are ready". I think she and I both understand that the pain of NOT doing is a pretty good motivator.

I am bad example of "good" sponsee, in that I have had 5 different sponsors in the last year or so, but that was BECAUSE I was not really ready to commit to someone who really had "what I wanted". I finally felt enough desperation to ask someone who I really wanted to learn from. She doesn't have to push me because I am ready now to do what it takes to not be in pain.

If I am a sponsee who is dodging best advice, than it doesn't matter how many people I ask - I will do what I want. I am worth your time nonetheless as you give me the gift of it. In return, I have no expectations from my sponsor except that she gives me what she has to the best of her ability. She shares her experience, strength, and hope with me so that I might choose to follow. She has even made it clear to me that if I ever choose to work with someone else, that is fine.

If I were to speculate - I can see why it would be frustrating to work with someone who wants to work with multiple people, but I also know that while my own sponsor ultimately has what I want, for her to hear my 5th step might be a bit much as I don't think she will relate to much of it. It is okay.

Scarlettangel. I found it necessary to have two sponsors when I first got sober.It really didn't pose a conflict between sponsors only because one of them had zero spirituality. I needed him to introduce me to the human race again. My social skills were terrible. Yet my spirituality was in horrible shape to.Working the steps should be a one man job but lrt her try it her way. At least shes trying to get it. Don't get to personal with your sponsee. Remember you're a teacher not a best friend. Keep on keepin on. Greg

Taradactyl #7

I come to agreements with my sponsees before we start. I have no expectations of my sponsees beyond our agreements and vice versa.

Part of that agreement is that we go through this journey as set out in the Big Book. That is the way I was sponsored and that is my experience. Anything else is beyond my scope.

I don't tell them to call me every day or go to x number of meetings a week - that's none of my business, I am not running their lives for them and I don't want to, nor do I have the time!

All I am interested in is when they need to call me because they have a question for me or they are calling to say they are ready to go to the next Step etc.

So no, I don't control my sponsees, the pace is set by the sponsee, loosely outlined in our initial agreement.

The pace is suggested by the Big Book itself and it is up to them to take their own responsibility for that - they agreed at the beginning to be willing to go to any lengths, which basically means work thoroughly and steadily and don't leave anything out.

If they don't come back to me for a while I do not chase them!

I would fully expect my sponsee to share all of her 4 and 5 with me or there would not be much point in trying to help her with the
rest of the Steps because I would be lacking a lot of information!

I think it is probably far more important to commit to the process of the Steps rather the person.

When I looked for my sponsor I had to know she had had the necessary spiritual awakening and was happy in sobriety. That way she was sure to guide me through the Steps effectively.

It didn't really matter that we were not alike - and in my case, we are not.

But that's just me and my experience - does it clarify anything for you?

Not unusual for two "sponsors"... mostly for the reason Greg posted. My sponsor was strictly for taking me through the steps as outlined in Big Book.

I wouldn't say I had more than one sponsor, but I have a network of support. My closest friends are sober close to 40 years who I would consider spiritual mentors. Their experience goes well beyond the Big Book in matters that help me and interest me. They are male, though, and I would not feel comfortable sharing certain things with them.

I am currently looking for a new sponsor, reason being for another thing Greg mentioned... your sponsor does not need to be your best friend. It goes the other way around as well. But that's an entire story in itself.

You've got a ton to offer someone!! It's all up to her, though to accept that and work for it. Our recovery is our own. :-)

xo

I'm with Chris 100% the sponsor I started with took me through the steps and not much else that was are agreement. I have at least what I call 3 co-sponsors with over 70 years on recovery and at any given time if I need help in area that I may need help with from time to time. The cool part is today they come to me with issues as much as I go to them that's why I always say the fellowship is as big a part as anything else in the program. With this all said there comes a time we should be able to handle most situations, I have seen people with 5 or more years think the have to take everything to a sponsor that's not the way it works for me or the people I surround myself with.

"Why do sponsors place any expectations on their sponsees?"

Frankly, I hadn't looked at sponsorship this way, but it's a good question.

I always make certain people who ask me to sponsor them have a very clear understanding of how I view the AA message. I've always seen that as letting people know where I stand, not on making clear any expectations I have of them. Now, I'm wondering if I really am placing expectations on them.

I know I couldn't sponsor someone who is trying controlled drinking. It isn't something I would be comfortable with.

Personally I've found it too be a sense being ,what's the word, sincere in things that have kept me a little more honest .

A little old fashion about AA and sponsorship and how I found soobriety though!

It takes what it takes in all things and old habits lol! die hard !!The hunter's and gatherer's proved that lol!

I was a booble head in talking to folks Yes!! no ! no!! but really just nodded out of a conditioning and asking questions is a weakness!

I say Yes!! your gut really is best source of simple honesty.

Sponsoring has always been to me a honor and a grave responsibility to "You know " just do your best and leave the rest up to powers that be ! There really can be a special relationship built ,but as with most things depends on like I said sincerity in one person being there for another whatever might happen .

Can and has gotten pretty weird at times in spite of sincerity or good intentions !
Billy

Hello SA,

An interesting topic and many good replies. Personally I cannot see how the need for more than one sponsor would arise in the normal course of events. Bearing in mind that the main role of a sponsor is to take the sponsee through the Steps, surely it should be kept as uncomplicated as possible. I have had great support from other members while doing the Steps and have tried to give that support to others also but that is not sponsorship.

I suspect that your sponsee is trying to take the easier, softer option and avoid facing some harsh truths. However, I have come across some situations where people have used more than one sponsor. Sometimes, in some areas women find it difficult to find a female sponsor and in that case, although it is far from the ideal situation, I have seen women do the first three Steps with a male. Also, concerning Step 5, my own sponsor who has many years of experience offers sponsees the option of doing the Step with someone else, for example a clergyman. I have also taken this approach with Step 5; it works well for some people and would not be right for others. Since Steps 4 and 5 are so closely related I would have covered most of the ground with them anyway. However, there may be things that a sponsee would rather discuss with a stranger that they would perhaps not meet again. In that type of situation it is better for me to stand aside so that their Step 5 is complete. It is not a question of trust as trust on both sides must exist from the start.

I would suggest a good honest talk with your sponsee to see why she feels the need for two sponsors. Sometimes it helps to go over the reasons for doing the Steps in the first place as many people really dont know what the objective is and some do it just to be able to say that they have done the Steps. I find it useful to go through the Step 9 and Step 10 promises at the start as the sponsee then has something to aim for.

Sometimes people will fall away once it comes to the Action Steps and you may just have to let them go.

Hi M. This woman is working on controlled drinking. We in AA work with people who have stopped and want to stay stopped. Doesn't seem like your program and hers are compatible, are they? What does your gut tell you?

Personally, after I had a good belly laugh, I'd suggest she call me when she's done with her research.