Your not damaged goods, your just having a hard time. I know you can do this and you want this so vent away and open up.
PEACE, MARK

I tried to fix it. I tried so hard. It didn't matter. I didn't need to sleep at night. I didn't need anything. Didn't know how to hug until I was 16. wtf. I AM damaged goods. I'm so fucking angry. Not fair. Not fair I get sober and think about shit from my childhood like I'm a little fucking baby. Fuck this shit. FUCK.

I went through the same crap childhood memories they got so bad I attempted to kill myself. I drank and drugged off and on for many years after. Then I knew I needed help puking blood and pissing blood, I was dying. Went to a doctor got Medication and took them. Today I am of the medication still have flashbacks and nightmares,but I find new ways of dealing. Now you need to get moving forward as we all know you can.

Mornin-

I just read Ree's post....got me thinking.

I am broken....yes indeed....but I know it. I know one drink is never enough. I KNOW I can't take one drink.
I know other things too...that comes from me being broken

I know where I can go to keep my comfort level
I know what movies not to watch so I won't have terrors

Damaged Goods? I am OK with that...Many people want damaged goods....it is what you do with it

I seriously think you need some counseling...you have come a HUGE way in seeing your Dad's effect on you.

Gods make all....and all have a path to discover

I hope your posse encourages you to seek help with some issues you have....I want you to be well...you are awesome.

In my thoughts and heart

We're all broken when we get here. Like cracked pots.
But through the fellowship we manage to let others love us until we can love ourselves again, piecing back together those shards of ourselves.
Never perfect, the cracks we have now simply let a bit of us shine out for others and the light from others come in. Often fixing is not what we need - understanding is...
Hugs,
Dennis

You are not damaged goods. It's normal to feel like this. Many childhood abuse survivors struggle with the same feeling. Anger is the backbone of healing. You have every right to be angry. You didn't deserve to be abused as a child, no one does. It wasn't your fault.

It's normal to have memories surface of your childhood trauma as you get sober, which is why so many survivors, like myself, have difficulty giving up the drink. Drinking numbed a lot of pain for me that I just wasn't ready to deal with. I used alcohol to self-medicate. Unfortunately, it doesn't work for me anymore and is making everything worse.

Have you worked with a therapist before? I would really suggest finding a skilled therapist who specializes in childhood abuse and PTSD. These feelings can sometimes be overwhelming, especially when you are not used to having them sober. Healing from trauma is exhausting so I hope that you are taking extra good care of yourself right now. Do comforting and nurturing things for yourself.

Also, you might want to pick up, Trauma and Recovery by Judith Herman. This book really has been helpful for me to understand what I was going through.

Please let me know if you want to chat about anything or I can help in anyway. The childhood abuse, PTSD and sexual abuse support groups here on DS are wonderful. The people are very sensitive and considerate as a group, if you are not a member already.

Take good care xxx

The Cracked Pot

A water bearer in India had two large pots, each hung on the end of a pole which he carried across his neck. One of the pots was perfectly made and never leaked. The other pot had a crack in it and by the time the water bearer reached his master's house it had leaked much of it's water and was only half full.

For a full two years this went on daily, with the bearer delivering only one and a half pots full of water to his master's house. Of course, the perfect pot was proud of its accomplishments. But the poor cracked pot was ashamed of its own imperfection, and miserable that it was able to accomplish only half of what it had been made to do.

After two years of what it perceived to be a bitter failure, it spoke to the water bearer one day by the stream. "I am ashamed of myself, and I want to apologize to you." "Why?" asked the bearer. "What are you ashamed of?" "I have been able, for these past two years, to deliver only half my load because this crack in my side causes water to leak out all the way back to your master's house. Because of my flaws, you have to do all of this work, and you don't get full value from your efforts," the pot said.

The water bearer felt sorry for the old cracked pot, and in his compassion he said, "As we return to the master's house, I want you to notice the beautiful flowers along the path."

Indeed, as they went up the hill, the old cracked pot took notice of the sun warming the beautiful wild flowers on the side of the path, and this cheered it some. But at the end of the trail, it still felt bad because it had leaked out half its load, and so again the pot apologized to the bearer for its failure.

The bearer said to the pot, "Did you notice that there were flowers only on your side of your path, but not on the other pot's side? That's because I have always known about your flaw, and I took advantage of it. I planted flower seeds on your side of the path, and every day while we walk back from the stream, you've watered them. For two years I have been able to pick these beautiful flowers to decorate my master's table. Without you being just the way you are, he would not have this beauty to grace his house."

Each of us has our own unique flaws. We're all cracked pots. But if we will allow it, God will use our flaws to grace his table. In God's great economy, nothing goes to waste. Don't be afraid of your flaws. Acknowledge them, and you too can be the cause of beauty. Know that in our weakness we find our strength.